Source
r/OCPoetry•
BlueJayAvery

Garden

Wants are there for disregardin’

and you should focus on your needs

tend diligently to your garden

before you are over run with weeds

​

Weeds are there to make life hard and

you will wish you had prepared

because although grown outside your garden

these weeds could've been prevented if you cared

​

​

But cares are there for you to discard’em,

and worries won’t grow without feed

for some the most important thing is their garden

but there are worst things to be tangle in than weed

​

​

8 13

Posted Sep 16, 2021, 1:52 AM UTC · edited

1734
[deleted]•

I really like this. The rhythm is almost soothing, and I love that it's not just about gardening, it's also about life.

5
BlueJayAveryOP•

Yea, it was half based on some "motivational" thing someone once tried to tell me, that you have to tend to every part of your life to be happy; but I am fine with my garden being over grown if there are other things more pressing

Also, I smoke a lot of weed, but you know there are worst drugs 🤷‍♀️🤷‍♀️

Oh, and thank you, I was quite proud of the rhythm in the first stanza and decided to continue it

2
PeaceOpen•

Reminds me a little of Seamus Heaney: I agree a soothing rhyme and comforting. Something I might see hanging from a country barn -- in a good way!

2
BlueJayAveryOP•

That sounds like the highest honour, I think maybe the reason it belongs in a country barn is the weird contractions?

But by all means, if you have a barn I would love for you to hang it there

1
Lenny-in•

The rhyme scheme is quite pacifying, not to forget the "tending to our garden" lest the weeds take over which sounds like something Voltaire's Candide "we must cultivate our own garden". The metaphorical weeds pile up in our lives when we ignore the problems that distress us. A stoic approach isn't rejection of said problem but rather mitigating it through calm collected actions

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BlueJayAveryOP•

Thank you, I do feel like a gardening metaphor is common, so it is easy to use it and have everyone know what you mean 😊

1
Lenny-in•

I see

2
BriBongGin•

I like your message a lot. Very Zen in my opinion. It did take me a couple of reads because of the lack of line breaks. But I'm not really a fan of those anyway.

2
BlueJayAveryOP•

Thank you, a lot of my stuff is about mindfulness and how to be zen

I am glad you enjoyed it 😊

2
BriBongGin•

No problem, thanks for writing it!

2
BlueJayAveryOP•

That was the cutest thing I have ever heard 🥺🥺💙💜💙

2
[deleted]•

For some reason I have this image in my mind of an old, wrinkly man in a straw hat with a little piece of straw in his mouth telling this to the local rapscallion child, who interrupted his relaxation on the porch.

Random imagery ramble aside, I really enjoyed this. To me, it felt like the first to stanzas were from a voice giving advice, and the third sounded more like someone taking that advice and making it better fit their world view.

The rhyming was pleasant, and the whole thing read rather smoothly. I also appreciated the idea that while one should maintain their “garden” there’s other things that need your time.

2
BlueJayAveryOP•

You are exactly right on that second point of someone being told advice and then changing it

Only partly wrong on that first part though, I am a lady, although my back makes me think I am indeed old and wrinkled; waiting on the straw hat though!

Thank you for you feedback

2
sidksyek•

Overall nice, but a couple of bits that jar rhythmically though ‘Before you are overrun with weeds’ has one too many syllables. Maybe a ‘you’re’ would fit neater.

I’d take issue with the disregardin’ and discard’em’ but I kind of feel like it adds to the jovial carefree nature of the speaker.

The rhyming stress on and in ‘Weeds are there to make life hard and’ jars. ‘Because although grown outside your garden’ is again one syllable too long and the stress lands oddly on ‘OUTside.’ There’s a couple of other bits that would benefit from some tidying up of metre. Overall quite liked this poem.

Like my own garden, I look at it and think it’s good, but could do with a little bit tlc

2
gelema5•

Same with disregardin’ and discard‘em. To me those signal that this is a speaker with a country accent (I’m from rural Virginia, which is quite accented). Speakers from those parts usually use contractions, like you’ll and aren’t. It would be very odd to hear someone say in full “you will”

I personally would prefer that the accent matches everywhere in the piece (either more country overall, or more proper overall). But if you choose for it not to match it does give a very whimsical vibe, like “I’ll break the rules of English accents if I want to, I’m just having fun with words!”

(Edit: mentioning u/BlueJayAvery here because I don’t think you’ll get a notif for this reply otherwise)

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BlueJayAveryOP•

Fair point, I am a country lass, unfortunately my country accent is a weird New Zealand one

I guess writing for my accent doesn't translate well and a lot of my stuff should probably be read outloud

But yea, noted, I need to commit to the contraction

1
gelema5•

I mean if that’s authentic for NZ, no harm done! I spoke from a place of ignorance assuming American authorship.

1
BlueJayAveryOP•

Tbh I was just making a shitty joke (which is actually on point for Kiwis)

1
BlueJayAveryOP•

Weeds are there to make life hard and

to make you wish you had prepared

'cause although grown outside your garden

those weeds would've been prevented if you cared

Maybe that works better?

Agree with the "you're" suggestion, I really need to edit poems before posting them and I would've caught that

I was trying something weird with the rhyme scheme I know, but personally I like the mid sentence rhyme :)

Thank you for the feedback ♥♥♥

1
sidksyek•

The stress still lands awkwardly. I think it might be the two phyrric feet at the start. Maybe this works better.

“‘cause THOUGH they’re GROWN outSIDE your GARDEn”

This may be because you didn’t edit this, but this poem feels like you’ve got an instinctive feel for metre but not perhaps not that ‘book learning’ on form.

Try to keep the same number of feet in a line and a regular stress pattern. This has a mostly iambic tetrameter (four feet of ba-DUM) with the first line of each stanza (excluding the last) in trochaic (BA-dum) tetrameter, -which reading it back does excuse the line ending ‘and’-. But some lines have more than 8 syllables, and these jar. Bear in mind that the a line with 9 syllables and a feminine endings like ‘GARden’ sound okay and are generally acceptable.

I know traditional form and metre aren’t particularly fashionable these days, and I might be teaching you to suck eggs, so feel free to ignore me, but I’m a big fan of it. I think it makes writing a poem feel like a puzzle to be solved, and it gives me the confidence whatever shit I’ve put in a poem I can at least stand by the fact it is objectively well written (most of the time.)

2
BlueJayAveryOP•

Thank you so much, this is exactly right, I don't have a formal education in writing, and what I did get tried to teach free verse

I agree that metre and rhyme aren't too hip these days, but I am an old lass at heart, and sucking eggs is how I spend my Sunday afternoons

If you have any advice on where to start my education that would be great 😊

1
sidksyek•

The Ode Less Travelled

This book probably taught me more about poetry structure and form than an English Literature degree and Russel Group university. If you can read it in Stephen Fry’s voice or better still, get the audiobook then even better.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

1
Elyse827•

I love this. I think message is clear, and the rhyme scheme works really well. I think the first few lines are especially interesting because they discuss that the things you want aren’t necessarily going to fulfill you, and you have to focus on what you need first.

2
pickletricks•

Reminded me of this. the perfect high - S Silverstein

2
allyisyourally•

I absolutely love this. The duel meaning and the almost swing rhythm from line to line. I agree with other that this has a soothing feel. If I had any criticism here, I think you could actually tighten up the wording in the last stanza. Your meaning comes across very well, and I think by making it just a little less wordy you could keep that good swinging feel and add a little more ambiguity. Overall really nice ☺️

2
BlueJayAveryOP•

Thank you so much. maybe something like:

​

But cares are there for you to discard’em,

and worries will never grow without feed

for some only care about their garden

only to find worst things to be tangled in than weed

Thank you for the feedback ♥♥♥

2
allyisyourally•

Of course! I really like the edit!

2
BlueJayAveryOP•

Thank you! ♥

1
Nashshsh•

This gives me magic spell vibes, as if a fairy godmother is giving me advice. A garden fairy telling you that you should take care of yourself! I agree with everyone saying it's soothing, like you can sip a cup of tea while you read it... in your garden :)

​

Thank you for sharing your poem!

2
BlueJayAveryOP•

Thank you so much, I think I am more of a witch than a fairy godmother, but like a good witch, and most of my spells are just to remind people now to worry

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