Source
r/OCPoetry•
CaesarTheFirst1

The forge

I was forged in the pit
Worked under the sun
Forbidden to sit
I cherished the run

.

I was pinned to the ground
Shattered and hurt
But down there I found
My fondness of dirt

.

Where they molded my back
With the pounds of defeat
But whispered me luck
When I would not retreat

.

Where they burnt my soul
With rejection and shame
But loving a goal
I still long for the flame

.

All the hills to be crested
All falls to be taken
All records to be bested
All Earth to be shaken

.

Oh the laughs and the scars
Oh the friendships I weave
Let my wonder of stars
Be the reason I live

1

2

(in retrospect this came off as trying to compliment myself instead of revering the feeling of failure and progress which was my intention. I'll try again some other time).

Posted Sep 21, 2021, 10:05 PM UTC · edited

211
beumuth•

The singsongy ABAB meter and familiar poetic elements ("forged", "sun", "ground", "weave"), in contrast, autologically climax a "live"/leave antithetic mind rhyme.

2
CaesarTheFirst1OP•

I pondered a lot between live and leave, I'm glad it's clear when reading haha.

I do apologize for my basic vocabulary, it's all I know

2
beumuth•

Though since this is a poetry workshop, if you want to improve vocab, here's one practice. Every encounter of unknown word/meaning, look it up on wiktionary (or dictionary of choice). Also, you can look up the etymology, which in part breaks down words' components (called morphemes). For example, apologize has morphemes 'apo-' (prefix meaning 'from') + 'log' (root morpheme, a derivative of 'logos' meaning 'speech') + '-ize' (suffix that converts to verb), adding together to mean "an account"/"story". Then it becomes easier to learn words with morphemes already recognized (e.g. dialogue, apogee), and you may create new morpheme combinations into words (see nonce, protologism, neologism).

3
CaesarTheFirst1OP•

Thank you, I will try!

2
beumuth•

Many prefer basic vocab, no worries.

2
kstrohmeier•

Don’t apologize—it’s straightforward without being simple. You have endured heartache and obstacles but you have transcended all of that. There’s enough mystery to keep it interesting.

2
CaesarTheFirst1OP•

Thanks fam; nothing worse than feeling basic :P

2
kstrohmeier•

And yet your math level is orders of magnitude higher than mine. We each have our skills.

2
WorldWarG•

I really enjoyed the meter of this poem, or cadence I would call it, though I think they're one in the same really. Still learning the poetry jargon.

I love the 5th Stanza. The repetition of "All" is like the hammering of the forge. Such a great use of repetition.

I was gonna say that the last line doesn't rhyme but upon reading it again (and reading the other comments here) I did read it as "leave" and I appreciate the nuanced use of the "antithetic mind rhyme" as the other commenter put it. Well done, over a really clean reading poem. Good job!

2
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AutoModeratorMOD•

Oh, hi there; didn't see you! You've reached r/OCPoetry. This is a workshop site where you can share, read, and talk about eachother's poetry & etc. To post your own poems, you need to give feedback to 2 other writers. If you aren't trying to share, you're encouraged to give feedback, but aren't required. Try to be nice, questioning, and specific. If you can't do that - eat a cabbage and come back later. Try to give feedback to a writer without any feedback. Lastly, read our feedback guide , other writer's comments, or this author’s feedback links. If you still aren't sure whether your comments are useful ‘feedback’, or you have any other questions, send us a modmail!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

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