Thank you so much for the detailed feedback! I took your comments to heart and am hoping that the next draft will resolve the issues you have highlighted. Appreciate it!

Just a few quick thoughts 

>There was no momentum in this story. I struggled to feel an arc. I didn't feel as though there were rising and falling moments building up to something and in the end, I don't think anything had changed. Not in the world and not in the character.  
  
*Definitely can see your point here, and going into your next point it seems that I could cut out some of the repetition and use that space to better build up the tension and action in the story.*  


I'm sort of on the fence - I read the story on the whole as being sort of like the balloon you mentioned. Slowly filling with pressure, eventually (ideally) popping. Generally I felt that there was a sort of gravity to your sentences, pulling towards the period and then the next. 

I also think there was a change -- not in the character or the world, but in our perception of the character. When I started the story I was expecting >!a creepypasta-esque murder, and then it ends in a grocery store line.!<

My pr

Thanks so much for taking the time to read and give me some feedback! 

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>There was no momentum in this story. I struggled to feel an arc. I didn't feel as though there were rising and falling moments building up to something and in the end, I don't think anything had changed. Not in the world and not in the character.

Definitely can see your point here, and going into your next point it seems that I could cut out some of the repetition and use that space to better build up the tension and action in the story. 

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>I think this is supposed to signal some severe emotional distress packaged in "crazy rambling" or something, and at a pivotal moment too, but what it does for me is that it breaks immersion due to lacking imagery or anything to rest my mind on, except for "basement" which is an image that is soon forgotten.

Essentially this story is about the fallout of trauma and the experience of post traumatic flashbacks. The crazy feeling of the story is intentional bu

This is not a full critique by any means. I just read your story on the bus and thought I'd leave a comment. 

There was no momentum in this story. I struggled to feel an arc. I didn't feel as though there were rising and falling moments building up to something and in the end, I don't think anything had changed. Not in the world and not in the character.

There's a lot of repetition in this story, and personally I think it's too much and a lot can be cut out.

> The basement. That’s where it happened, everybody knows. I never said anything, but everyone knows. Nobody asks. They don’t ask, we don’t talk about it. But everybody knows. Everybody knows but nobody asks. I haven’t been ok. I must do whatever it takes to make myself okay. I owe myself that much. Nobody else owes me that and I don’t owe anyone else anything. Just me. 

I think this is supposed to signal some severe emotional distress packaged in "crazy rambling" or something, and at a pivotal moment too, but what it does for 

You're welcome, I'm glad this helps! Keep faith and the hard work!

First off, thanks so much for taking the time to read and provide comments! 

You are right, it is very abstract which makes it important to be reminded of what you as the reader don't know because you're not in my head. I found your feedback useful and it's made me realize how much disconnect there is between the beginning and the end so you've given me a lot to think about there. I also think you're right about making a change to the format. 

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>I feel I've been dragged from murder, to some hooded figures, to the baloon, the to the basement, ... So, am I crazy? (pun intended) But I can connect those with a line (yes, another reference), it's quite a strange journey.  
>  
>The last part comes from out of nowhere, did the narator just get out of his thoughts? I suggest some form of transition, where reality blends in the previous state.

The idea behind the story is to explore the experience of traumatic flashbacks that occur in mundane every day settings. I can see what you'

GENERAL REMARKS

The story is mostly abstract, so it's more difficult to entice the reader to continue reading it.

To  hook up the reader at the start I felt there was almost the usual mystery trick. The one that makes the reader wonder what's going on, but the problem is that we can hardly get the promised explanation we thought we could have soon.

The last part comes from out of nowhere, did the narator just get out of his thoughts? I suggest some form of transition, where reality blends in the previous state.

Names of persons or songs (for 2 out of 3 ): the reader may not have the same references, I feel that this taints the story with the author's own frame of reference, without good reason.

FORMAT

I would suggest shorter lines since the font is small. And justified.

SENTENCES

>They come in the night and rearrange the furniture in my mind until I no longer feel at home.

I really like this one a lot. It's a clear image and I've never read it before, it fits well in the story

Thanks so much, this is all very helpful! I'm taking your feedback and the others into consideration while I work through a round of edits. I agree with you that some structure changes could help the reader follow along and elicit more of the feeling and emotional experience for the reader. You've given me a lot of great things to think about and I really appreciate it! The narrator is not meant to be me but a fictional character. But I can tell from yours and other feedback that I really need to be mindful of what I know vs what the reader knows and consider that as I edit.

Hey there, here are my general impressions on how this story could be improved sandwiched by some compliments, because I never want criticism to turn someone off writing, and I know it can be intimidating to share, especially as a new writer. Here goes:

\-The first thing that struck me is that I do not know who is talking: it felt a bit like an essay, as in, this is your voice? It's obvious it's written in the first person, but the cold and semi-philosophical beginning here did not leave much room to the imagination. The hook at the beginning isn't as effective as I'd like it to be (and as effective as it c*ould* be). Practice giving tour readership the benefit of the doubt, that they can fill in some of the gaps you leave for them with their imagination. You don't need to give them every bit of information about the themes of the story and a character's perspective of that theme. For example, if a character believed I absolution, forgiveness, questions justice, and tows the line betw

Thanks so much for the detailed feedback! It was truly helpful as I went back in and edited the piece. You gave me a lot to think about and I'm hoping that I have resolved the issues you highlighted with this next draft.

**General Remarks**  
This piece has a lot of mood and feel to it. You've also left us with some good imagery, but overall I don't think there's much story here. It felt more like a series of vignettes going through this person's mind without much through-line beyond the general feeling of being insane. From the beginning, you have these lines about your character thinking about murder, which implies to me that maybe she killed her mother or something in a basement? But I'm not sure. It's fine to leave things open to interpretation, but I would have liked clearer answers. Unless you're set on it being a pure mood piece, in which case I would maybe cut some of it out. There's a lot of stuff that feels repetitive. It could work as a mood piece, but it would have to be shorter and should still have more tangible connections between all the ideas you're throwing in.

  
This is all assuming I'm not missing something huge, which I feel I could be. And that was probably my favorite thing abo

>It was sort of hard to piece it all together, to be honest.  
>  
>First off, I'd get rid of a lot of the self directed questioning in the first few paragraphs. While this feels like a good way to get information across, it quickly gets stale. Also, I'm really struggling to understand what it's all about. A crazy person who hurt you, and invading bad thoughts?

You're totally right. I've already started the next round of edits and have done exactly this. I can see now how the internal questioning distracted from the points and ended up diluting them instead of strengthening them. I have completely re-worked the beginning so far. 

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>I feel dread here. But then it quickly fades away because we're back in the narrator's mind. I'd say try and keep with this, keep it show-y. Keep it real, not abstract.

I'm happy to read that the basement elicited fear and dread, exactly what I was hoping. Your feedback has helped me to realize that I can do some work in order to better build thi

So this is sort of hard to follow. You start off talking about someone, using a lot of questions. Then it's hooded figures. Then balloons. Then someone's crazy at the end. Then the mother? It was sort of hard to piece it all together, to be honest. 

First off, I'd get rid of a lot of the self directed questioning in the first few paragraphs. While this feels like a good way to get information across, it quickly gets stale. Also, I'm really struggling to understand what it's all about. A crazy person who hurt you, and invading bad thoughts?

I suppose this is what the hooded figures represent? Bad intrusive thoughts? But it's hard to know for sure. Then it's off to balloons and furniture.

I will say this, I liked the balloons reference, becoming a weapon of terror when too inflated. And I liked how you related it back to the hissing in your head at the end; that was smart.

I also liked the furniture representing thoughts and perhaps sanity. 

I will say this: as we moved through the 

\[1,721\] The Basement - Short Story

**Feedback Requests:** I am planning to submit this story for a short story contest and would appreciate any feedback to help prepare me to submit. I'd like to know what I can do to improve as I am a new writer. All feedback is greatly appreciated!

**Story Link:** 

[The Basement - Short Story](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1cyZjzRofeCBDbZG5SPA0uOWc9Do7o_6j/edit?usp=sharing&amp;ouid=115894005268205196611&amp;rtpof=true&amp;sd=true)

**Critiques:** 

[First (1,110)](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/qtdkft/comment/hkpkxbr/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[Second (2,372)](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/qtmwzo/comment/hkpjald/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[Third (1,352)](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/qu6c6i/comment/hkpap4a/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[1,721] The Basement