[3000] Courage, Draft 2, part 3 NSFW

(1/2)

Hello! I hope I'm still in time with this critique to provide you some feedback before you change the project. Since you mentioned in all your posts that you can take harsh critiques, I’ll cut the fluff. I would like to state upfront that although I have lots of things to say, I think you can be proud that you put a story this long on paper and convince a random guy on the internet to read it all. It certainly wasn’t as terrible of an experience as this critique might make it seem to be. ;)

I hadn't read parts 1 and 2 before, so your summary in the comments helped. However, if you're posting multiple parts (especially 3 or more), I would recommend just adding a summary to your post. It can serve as a recap for people who have read the previous parts, as well as make it more inviting for people to just drop by and critique the prose for example.

Anyhow, I read part 3 and I felt a mixture of confusion and disappointment. I then decided to read parts 1 and 2 and re-read part 3, to see if that would change anything. And yes, it did make the reading experience of part 3 better, but it also made some issues more obvious. Since I read all parts I will pretend to critique the story as a whole, and not just focus on part 3. I will therefore not really go into sentence-level edits.

General

Alright, I’m not going to lie. Your post stood out to me because it was marked NSFW. I think you did well to do so, and I especially like that you explained why it’s NSFW. This is also a minor issue I have though. It’s marked NSFW for sexual assault. It’s not. It’s rape. I know this is a very ‘heavy’ thing to say in your post and it will turn many readers away. I understand why you would thus go for ‘sexual assault’, but I don’t think it’s quite fair in my opinion. Food for thought.

There is a lot of mentioning of brand names (alcohol), a car name, specific ‘slang’ for clothing etc. This completely pulled me out of the immersion. At times I felt detached from the story because of it. I’m not a car guy, nor do I drink, so seeing the specific brand of car and brand of drink just made me go ‘huh what’s that supposed to be?’. I also don’t think it matters. Saying ‘on the table lay a bottle of Bud’ only confuses me more than ‘on the table lay a bottle of beer’. I feel like it’s a recurring issue that you overdescribe some things and underdescribe others. Ironically, this is something I struggle with as well. I’ll get back to this later.

In part 3 you use *** 5 times (in 5 pages!) That’s a lot! At one point there are no more than 65 words between ***’s. I think you can cut all of them. You don’t need ***’s for skipping the time he’s in the shower. Personally I’d only use ***’s if you cut to Jeremy doing something a month later or so.

Characters

I felt overwhelmed with names and characters. Especially in part one. So much so, that I had to keep a list of who’s who. In part one (1000 words), 9 names introduced. That is one per 115 words! (At least half of those are redundant). Here’s the list I kept, with my impressions of them: Cody – kid in karate class; Ashley – kid in karate class; Flynn – dark hair, kid in karate class who wants to touch the spider; charley – the spider; Dave – karate master, warm and capable; Jeremy – friend of Dave (and his bodyguard); Paul – friend of Dave, uses drugs, funny; Tamara – Not liked by Jeremy, Pauls girlfriend; Roxanne – friend of Paul; annoying cackle.

See what I mean? Chances are you just skipped this because the summary alone is overwhelming. Also, if you read about what I picked up on them, it’s not really the most essential of information. Here is what I picked up about the characters and how I felt about them:

> Karate kids

Cut these names. It was very overwhelming to me, because naming these kids makes them seem important. My brain tried to pick up all information on them, which wasn’t necessary at all, since they only serve to set up the theme/main issue for later.

> Dave

Dave is described here as warm and capable. Now, if Jeremy sees him as his mentor, I understand why. However, in part two and three, he seems a lot more like some drug addict than a disciplined karate master to look up to. I understand that he pretends in class, but the contrast seems a bit too big for me. Either make him more of an asshole/out of control in class or make him less likable out of class. “What would Dave have done to get the point across if all of them had been like Flynn?  He would have found a way.  He always did.” I found this a beautiful way of showing the Jeremy looks up to Dave.

> Jeremy

Protagonist (although this only really became clear to me halfway through part 1) and friend of Dave. Works as his bodyguard (why can’t a karate master defend himself? Jeremy doesn’t seem to carry a gun, while Dave does. In part 2 (and/or 3) he gets a bit of backstory. I liked this, but it felt a bit shoehorned in. (The narration is supposed to be Jeremy, so it’s a bit weird that he askes himself about his parents.)

> Paul

Friend of Dave. Deals drugs. The line “I told her what an asshole you are,” was quite funny to me. I don’t think it would do harm if you added more of these lines.

> Tamara

Not liked by Jeremy. Pauls girlfriend, apparently. Mentioned in part 1 and 2, but only appears in part 3. She is, in my opinion, completely redundant. She can be cut out of the story and nothing would change. Switch the rape around to Jeremy having a fight with Paul and there you go. I am also absolutely disgusted by the description of her ‘nasal voice’, I guess that serves it purpose well, haha.

> Roxanne

Friend of Paul. Later a whore. Her conversation with Jeremy is a bit weird. I’ll get back to this. I liked how your descriptions made her seem very trashy (make-up, long nails, etc.)

> Josiah, Dakotah, and TaylorThese are only mentioned in part 3 and serve no purpose. Cut.

Arcs

Since I just went over all the characters, I’ll keep this short. First I’d like to say that I like Jeremy’s arc, although it would benefit from a stronger conclusion.

Secondly, I’m quite confused by Dave’s arc. It’s all over the place. Sometimes he’s a mentor, sometimes he’s more like Paul. Try balancing this out. In part one he’s shown as kind and friendly to the kids. At the drug deal, Jeremy remarks the following: “It amazed him how much someone’s personality could change when shown a little flattery.” This confused me a lot. How did he change? Why did he change because of it? He seemed nice earlier?

Plot

Here’s a small advantage that I read part 3 first. I think you did a good job setting up the whole courage thing. I also liked that you made David’s ‘no courage without fear’ mantra come back in part 3. The ending felt a bit weak to me, however. I think this is mainly because the story is about Jeremy, but he didn’t have a ‘final moment’. The closest is the moment where he tells David it’s him or Paul, but the story goes on after that. It somewhat has a happy ending, but I feel like the ending would be stronger if Jeremy made the decision that he had enough of his shit and just left Dave. He’s his mentor, but doesn’t seem like a great influence to me.

Perhaps you could end on an even stronger note. Dave (or Paul) threatening Jeremy to stay (with a loaded gun.) Jeremy leaves anyway and says “there is no courage without fear”.

I liked how you showed progression in his arc by him rejecting Roxanne.

As I said before, I think Tamara can be completely left out. Her raping Jeremy does not progress his arc or the plot. It only serves to ‘have a reason’ to kick Paul and Tamara out.

Hey, I read your piece. Here are some of my observations, but please excuse me for not reading the parts before this one. I'll take into account that your story was shortened (cut details) in order to be posted here. And also, this is my first time posting a "critic", so I hope I don't screw it up.

General Remarks:

As I was reading it, I could see some hints of an interesting story with a fair quantity of drama, but a greater amount of interpersonal conflicts. I don't know if that was your intention, but finding more about the characters, how they interact with each other, and the consequences of their actions could easily generate an interesting story about overcoming trauma (possibly?)

Mechanics, grammar and spelling: I honestly skipped them since I focused more on the overall plot, characters and structure; but please proofread your writing before posting. The "Yea," for example.

Setting & Staging

I felt lost in several parts.

The start: there are some students sparring, Dave gets punched, Paul is upstairs in the kitchen... and then they're in a kitchen, and there are some rooms somewhere. The stage is unclear, foggy. It might not be so important, but setting the scenario would clarify different concepts.

I felt Roxanne was some sort of a mother figure, or someone who takes care of them, maybe a lover, a wife, a roommate; but she's a prostitute. So, is Dave running a brothel on top of his Dojo? How? That remains unclear. If he does some sort of obscure business up there, how does that affect Jeremy? Is he your main character?

If they are waiting for a prostitute, something in their behavior should warn us about it. For example: "Roxanne, called, she's nearby," said Dave. Paul checked the condoms he had in his pocket, and placed two on Jeremy's hand," or something like that. A description that tell us what their moods are: excited, anxious, calm, desperate, etc. If Jeremy was a virgin, shouldn't he had been more nervous? Was he being forced by Dave or Paul? How can we know, based on a description, how he feels about this endeavor?

The beer was a hint, but it came later rather than sooner.

When Roxanne goes into Jeremy's room, I feel I need more information with her interacting with his belongings, maybe asking him questions about some objects there; questions he would answer dryly (I guess, because he's nervous and wants this to be over).

The Tamera portion was completely unexpected. I might have seen how it fits into the overall plot, but, many questions come to my mind regarding her purpose.

Characters

I hate Tamera, period. (but don't remove her. Is she your antagonist? Maybe she should be.)

Dave. Is he a father figure? A hero? A savior? A sage? I have learned in my life that the kind of parent who makes their child have sex with a prostitute falls into a very specific personality category, like, they tend to see women as objects that make their sons become men... or something like that. They value rigid standars. This guy practices some form of a full contact sport (I'm guessing), so he might be the disciplinary, sturdy, stubborn kind. There's nothing wrong with them being paternal, but... the final part, why act like that with someone who isn't their child? This opens up several possibilities for Dave as a character.

Paul. Is he someone's sibling? There is an insteresting sentence that gave me an idea of what kind of relationship they have:

“And I’ll make sure you don’t have your fucking nunchucks this time.  My shoulder still hurts.”

So, is there a rivalry between them? How does Dave behave towards Paul in comparison to Jeremy?

Also,

Tools could mean anything when Paul was involved.

I can interprete this portion in a multitude of ways, most are not good, but I liked that sentence being there. Actually, I feel it would have worked better in dialogue rather than in description as it tells more about the perception Jeremy has of him. Is Jeremy afraid of Paul? If so, I feel I need to read more about Paul being some sort of a destructive idiot or something like it, to clarify his role in the story.

Finally, Tamera and Paul's relationship: how toxic is it? Don't get me wrong, I like the idea of two people destroying everything around them because they're unable to communicate properly. They can become the catalysts for key plot points perhaps (?)

Roxanne. Is she in love with Jeremy? Why does she act so motherly all of a sudden with him, once he had rejected her? (Showing pictures of her daughters, their age and some medical details). That's intimate, personal information. She even feels hurt because of his rejection. Could she have an interest in Jeremy beyond their ordeal? She and Dave, how does that work? If she is not important for your overall story, then you can just leave her there. But if she is of substance for something in the future, make her interaction with the boys more crucial for the plot (reveal/hint a secret or trigger a character's inner conflict).

Jeremy. From what I read, this guy can go into several directions. I am not sure what kind of story you want to tell, though, I'm leaning towards him resenting rejection, feeling lonely and vulnerable or something like that. He's a natural black belt, but why? What are his motivations? Has he been abused before?

He's shapeless in my mind since there are no descriptions in this part. Also, I feel that more details of him interacting with the environment are needed in order to have a clear view of him as a person.

Plot

Since I haven't read the previous parts, I'm not sure how this portion connects those previous two together. There are some holes in your plot in regards to your characters as I described before, but also, the Roxanne part, and the Tamera part, seem disconnected except for having Jeremy placed there. For me it is hard to tell where the story is heading based on only what I read, all I can do is predict. Now, my question is: What kind of conflict do you have in mind? (Jeremy vs Dave, Paul, Tamera, or is it Jeremy vs the idea of him not being incapable to stand up for himself?)

POV, Description, Dialogue and Pacing

In terms of pacing: it went fast. I got the gist but it sacrificed most descriptive elements. You got some points on the dialogues though, but more are needed. Most points of the story would do well in dialogue, but don't forget to provide clues on how the characters feel, rather than tell how they do, by describing them.

Jeremy as the protagonist and POV (which is limited to him) requieres to give us more information in order for us to understand his surroundings/circumstance. I'd like him delivering key information on dialogues [maybe add a best friend/love interest/ a character that works as an exposition dump (?) to whom he can express his grievances, triumphs and secrets.]

Sometimes, one falls in love with one piece of writing, and we don't want to remove it because it works in our perspective. But you might want/need to reconsider the efficacy of some parts. Therefore, I humbly hope my notes help you in that matter.

Now I have read the section with Tamara before, and in that draft I felt that one of the strongest issues was that it was preceded by the Russian roulette game, and these two scenes did not go together well. This time, it’s preceded by a scene with Roxanne. Now, I think that this is a step in the right direction, but the Tamara section still isn’t where it needs to be. However, first I want to address the Roxxanne section.

I actually think the Roxxanne scene is the best section I have read thus far, or at least I enjoyed it the most. I think it might be because I expected the worst from this woman, and to have her not be a complete piece of shit was a nice touch. However, there are a few issues. The smaller one, in my opinion is this line:

“She told him about how her oldest daughter wants to be a ballerina and how her youngest has ADHD and her meds are really expensive. She asked him about his family, and about Dave.”

Honestly, I thought they were having a conversation that flowed nicely, and I think it should have continued. I was genuinely disappointed to read this line, because I would have liked to have read it coming from Roxxanne’s lips. It’s revealing information and having it come directly from the character that the information concerns could lead to a potent moment. I think you should continue to explore the conversation from this line.

My other issue concerns this line:

“Dave’s choice of words… first time. So what had happened between them… didn’t really count? It was one of those questions he had always been afraid to ask. But now he had his answer.”

Nope, there is no way. There is no way that Jeremy would not know whether or not he had been raped by Dave. I mean, I guess it's just implied, and without knowing what happened between them I cannot know, but if it involved penetrative sex at all there is absolutely zero chance that Dave would not understand what had happened to him. Think about it, he is about to have sex for the “first” time with Roxxanne, and he already understand enough to bring his experience with Dave into question here. There is know way he would be still wondering about what had happened between them.

The only way this situation might be possible would be if Dave had raised Jeremy since he was a young boy, and kept his contact with the outside world to a minimum. But that is not what happened here. If any kind of sexual activity happened between them, Dave understands what is happening. You might be able to make it work if Jeremy lives in some kind of extreme denial of what is happening. But then, I would question why he denies what is happening between him and Dave and yet he fully grasps what is occurring between him and Tamara.

And that's another problem with this line. Whether he denies it or not, it kind of steals the thunder from the scene with Tamara. Why is the scene with Tamra such a big deal, when it is clearly happening with Dave already? I know from what you said that Dave’s relationship with Jeremy eventually involves him taking sexual advantage of the kid, but the manner in which it is brought up makes Tamara’s rape of him seem redundant. Or at least gratuitously unnecessary. Since this incident forces Paul and Tamara out of the apartment and isolates Jeremy and Dave together, maybe Dave’s abuse should be after this happens? No matter what though, I don’t think you can get away with making it seem like Jeremy doesn’t understand what has happened to him. Not at age 16.

As for the second section with Tamara, while having the Roxxanne sequence precede it is better than having the Russian roulette scene, at least thematically, I still don’t really feel that this scene has been earned. Tamara is just such an abrupt and random character and this scene happens incredibly fast. I’m not sure if other people would have a problem, but the way its wrapped up is seriously quick. The rape occurs, then we flash to him waking up and talking to Tamara and then talking to Dave and then Dave yelling at Paul and Tamara and then kicking them out.

To me, a whole lot happens within the space of a few paragraphs and I would prefer that everything be spaced out. However, if you prefer to keep everything brief, then I think you would be greatly aided by a few transitory sentences placed in the right areas. A line that properly moves the story to another location or time so that the reader is able to follow along. Earlier in this critique, I criticized a line in which a conversation was reduced to the narrator describing what took place. Well, this is the time for a line like that.

For example we have this sequence:

“Dave sat down across from him. “Tell me what happened.”

*****

Laying on his bed, he listened to the shouting between the three of them. “He’s my fucking responsibility! I let you two stay here and this is what happens!””

Maybe just add a few lines like:

“Dave sat down across from him. “Tell me what happened.”

And so Jeremy did.

*****

A few hours later, Paul and Tamara returned from whatever degenerate escapade they had set off on.

Dave was waiting for them

Jeremy laid in his bed, curled like a ball, as Dave roared from the living room. “He’s my fucking responsibility! I let you two stay here and this is what happens!””

Just a few lines here and there that help conclude each scene and begin a new one. If your going to be brief, then every sentence and word you use needs to lift its own weight in telling the story. So, when you are transitioning between scenes, make sure the words that are doing the transition are the ones that ought to be there.