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r/OCPoetry•
Affectionate_Hat_235

a new sky is born but a pelican swallows everything

the sky cracks

and oozes another sky

it reigns over the earth

and no one knows its an imposter

​

in place of the sun

a pelican howls

shooting from its mouth

yellow gold

red gold

splashing waves

of blueflame gold

more color than

rods and cones

can comprehend

​

grow into the size of the seed

says the pelican to the tree

fold yourself back

into the seed and grow

i can dip my beak

into the depths of the sea

and make it disappear

watch how i swallow

all of us

​

1 2

Posted Dec 21, 2021, 8:47 AM UTC

1612
[deleted]•

I went back and read some of your other poems after reading this, and I'm a big fan of yours. It's all beautiful, including this one

2
Affectionate_Hat_235OP•

Thanks for reading and commenting! This poem was more of a first-ish attempt at surrealism. Got kind of inspired after discovering Max Ritvo’s poetry - highly recommend checking out his poems!

2
asearchforyou•

I will have to read some Max Ritvo now, and I applaud you for making your first stab at surrealism. It's a wonderfully revolutionary genre. Ideal for poking fun at convention and pissing off powers that be. My advice to you, here, is that less is more. For instance, I would cut words from your title. I'd also edit your first paragraph as follows:

the sky cracks
and oozes another sky
it reigns over the earth
and no one knows its an imposter

You, of course, are the poet, these are fallible recommendations, and many have already come by here to say how much they enjoyed your work. I offer this in the spirit of being helpful and friendly.

2
AdorableNerve2445•

Wow, Just wow. The word I would use is igniting, You're an amazing poet. Keep up the good work.

2
SherbsSketches•

I love this. Please keep exploring the surrealist path-- you have a unique voice and your imagery is energized.

2
Affectionate_Hat_235OP•

thank you!

1
Feeling-Low-9195•

The first stanza is really awesome! The verbs "Cracks" and "oozes" when applied to the sky make for great imagery. The end of the stanza is eerie and the whole thing sets up a good mood for the rest of the poem.

The pacing of the second stanza is somewhat slow. I am not sure how necessary the lines "yellow gold / red gold" are to the meaning of the stanza. I may have missed the intent of these lines.

Overall I really enjoyed the poem, I think that it works as a surreal piece. I read some of Max Ritvo's poems, as you recommended in another comment, and I most enjoyed "The Soundscape of Life Is Charred by Tiny Bonfires" and "The Big Loser". I like the stream of consciousness style that he uses. I look forward to seeing more of your poems in the future!

2
yellenyouth•

the surrealism here really works! the dialogue between the pelican and the tree feels truly strange, but beautiful. you should be really proud of this!

i felt like the second stanza seems out of place, compared to the other two. i found the lines about gold to be somewhat clunky, particularly the “blue flame gold” however, i feel like you saved it pretty well with the last 3 lines of the stanza.

overall, this poem is fantastic. if you tinkered with the second stanza a little bit, it would really be top tier. great stuff!

2
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1
ozirisonix•

This poem is rather unusual. I can't say it captivates me, because I find it goofy and looks like something my niece would think of. Nevertheless, it has some hidden philosophy in the end, so I can relate to it.

1
Betrayed-Master•

Is this saying how a creation can be taken and made to be seen as another’s?

I like the symbolism of the pelican adopting the new sky. It says it can give it what it needs, although it seems like the new sky would be better of being free.

1
[deleted]•

I love how surrealistic this is. I love the imagery and how short, simple, and sweet it is. Thank you for sharing your work!

1