Source
r/OCPoetry•
NigelTMooseballs

The Cave

How dare you try to comfort me?
You tell me, welcome every thought,
every sorrow through the door,
as houseguests, may they clear
the furniture for something new.

Who it is it that you wrote that for?
There are no carpets here, no bed,
no chairs, just waist deep brine that laps
stone walls where pictures ought to hang.

Should I welcome every crab,
every stinging sea anenome,
every clutching tentacle
that wraps itself around my legs?

Maybe someone else will pin that shit
onto their fridge, and quote it every day
but sugared sentiments dissolve in here,
a single aspirin dropped in
a swimming pool thats full of piss and booze.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/rm7j5l/jenga/hpkosx6

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/rm2oya/breathing_again/hpkqx77

Posted Dec 22, 2021, 5:05 PM UTC

1611
IsaiahBellville•

I love the imagery, that use of dichotomous scenery is so powerful here. I appreciate your ability in this piece to convey the scenario of living outside the limited perspective of those around you, and thus being unable to be understood effectively.

As for the message itself, harsh, brutal, emotionally gutting, but incredibly well built into. It wasn't 0-60, you started off with a sense of foreboding emotional turmoil that grew with a gentle crescendo into the heartbreaking finish. Wonderful.

Thank you for sharing with us :)

2
NigelTMooseballsOP•

Thank you for the feedback and I'm glad you enjoyed reading it. I wasn't sure about certain parts, I'd usually cut a lot out but I didn't want to dilute any acid with this, since the, er, speaker here feels particularly crochety!

1
[deleted]•

[deleted]

2
SoftArm4•

Well like a cave our mind can cling to the dark crevices at times. Thing is opening the door gives us the options of the entire array of the world out there. All through the hue of our own perspective. I believe in the power of Good.

1
TheCavesCrack•

This gives physicality to the feeling of sinking I think so many feel. Not many can put it to words but that is what we strive for as those who put our hearts to the pen. Beautifully done, OP.

Remember in darkness always look to the moon.

2
NigelTMooseballsOP•

Thanks! Also, nice username!

1
akledge•

I love this. It captures really well the feeling I get when people, well-intentioned, try to help but can only display their ignorance of how I feel. It's an irrational anger, not rightfully directed at them (though often mishandled), but at the whole situation, the world, the feeling of being trapped in my own head.

For feedback, I found the swimming pool to be a bit of a mixed metaphor with the sea cave -- swimming pools are sun and plastic and chlorine to me; even filled with piss and booze a far cry from a dank, crab-infested piece of ocean.

2
NigelTMooseballsOP•

Thanks for the feedback, I totally agree with you about the swimming pool. I think, at the time I was looking for the ultimate mundane and was trying to steer away from cliché such as a teaspoon of sugar in the ocean, or something dissolving in the ocean. A manky swimming pool was the best I could come up with but this is good food for thought to tie things coherently together with the slimy cave imagery.

1
bdcranmn•

This is simply wonderful. I can imagine a room this takes place in and the emotion it brings simply from that room.

2
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1
frohike_•

I think the core imagery and flow of the poem would work without the telegraphed vitriol in both the first "how dare you" verse and the entire last stanza. To me it doesn't really strengthen the emotion but dilutes it a bit and feels disjointed. If left in, it might be worth reworking it to fit the sea/shipwreck imagery. The title should also be reconsidered to fit or resonate with the rest of the images in the poem.

1
NigelTMooseballsOP•

Thanks for the feedback. You could very well be right about the scathing parts diluting the emotion, ill play around with it. Although, as the title is concerned, I had this idea of a sea cave full of critters.

2