Source
r/OCPoetry•
weeface

Aunt's couch after a party 2

The clock ticks.   
Tick tock, tick tock.  
Too loud to ignore, 
I wish it would stop. 
Slip off the nail, 
Perish from the drop.  
Tick tock.  

Condemned to contort, 
The couch is too short. 
Why did I stay? home's just a short walk.
This wafer thin sheet, 
Retaining no heat. 
No more can I bare the chill in my feet.
Tick tock.

An uneven fight, 
Thrashing left, thrashing right,
Wherever I turn no escape from the light  
Through the drapes from the street
A weird cold glow that renders a sleep
An impossibly steep, insurmountable peak.
I'm beginning to weep.
Tick tock.   

Tick tock, tick tock it's persisting to mock. 
I need to silence that fucking clock. 
Time marches on and tocks turn to ticks
My mind’s playing tricks
Everything switched
The inevitable tick, now follows the tock
Impending, relentless.
Can’t be prevented.
I’m feeling demented.
utterly helpless.  
Repenting
Defenceless
Defeated
So bleak
Please clock, let me sleep
Tick tock.

Please note I posted the original of this after unearthing in my notes app nearly 3 years after this night. This version I am more happy with but feel free to check the original out and let me know which one you prefer (If you like). Thanks.

Although I would kindly ask not to focus feedback on comparing to original. Thanks again :)

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/rlxqnc/i_dont_trust_cupid/ https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/rmhq1n/ceramic_palace/

Posted Dec 24, 2021, 12:16 AM UTC

37
Boring-Ad-9602•

Do you have autism by any chance? I have autism and I hate clocks. I could be taking the poem too literally (that would also be autism)

2
weefaceOP•

Hey again! No I’m not on the autism spectrum, at least not to my knowledge although it’s an interesting observation and I could see why you might draw that conclusion. Thanks so much for the comment

1
Mynamejeaff•

I really liked this (I liked the original too). The flow is great and each stanza is sharp, relatable but original. I love the idea of using “tick tock”

The last stanza is fantastic and takes the poem in a slightly unexpected direction.

Great job 👏🏻

2
weefaceOP•

Thank you for reading both and for the kind feedback :) I feel this version is more polished and complete but somehow the original still has something I can’t put my finger on, probably because the original was all written at the time. I just feel this version flows more naturally which is something I tried to correct. Glad you enjoyed and thanks for the feedback :)

1
Indieosaur•

This was a very nice read! There is such a palpable rhythm you’ve created. The similarly styled stanzas and repetition add to this awesome beat you’ve got going and helps to contrast and highlight the change in beat in the final stanza. The goddamn frustration of being so intensely fixated on something is simple as a clicking clock is such a maddening feeling and you really wrote that experience out so well. :)

2
weefaceOP•

Wow, really great feedback and so pleased that the effect for the last verse came across to you in the way I intended. I have said elsewhere on the original that I am not a poet by any stretch and I don’t consume much written poetry. That being said I listen to a lot of 90s and 2000s rap music so perhaps the rhythm stems from there somehow.

Again thank you for the feedback and so glad you enjoyed reading :)

1
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1