Source
asearchforyou•

Interesting poem, Pins. I wonder what you would think of eliminating words. If I had free reign as an obnoxious editor (or a poem thief), this is what I would come up with:

Widowmaker Limbs climb towards heaven

Gray, ashen bark gives way to Beetle chew.

I tell myself

I am not so different.

Dead limb for dead limb,

Rotten root for rotten root.

On a winter day,

Under a pale sun

There is no hope

For dying trees.

Still, these limbs rise towards heaven

Like praying hands.

This is obviously just my opinion and I know it's annoying to just carve up a poem like this, so just take it into consideration and feel free to completely disregard my suggestions. Still, I think the increased sparceness would increase the somber feel. Also, the elimination of the praying hands rising would make your "no hope" line more impactful.

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taciturnpoet•

I concur with these edits with the exception of the removal of "Widowmaker," "ashen," and "a pale." These words do good work. Very nice piece. It says much with little.

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PinsandweedlesOP•

The original title of this poem was “terminal” Which possibly makes widowmaker limbs climbing towards heaven, a double entendre. Changed the title to leave more room for interpretation. Maybe the first line is a darling that can be killed accordingly. I don’t like beetle chew as its own line— too abstract for my tastes, and I worry without widowmaker in line one, the subject would be too obtuse. Similarly you cut away so much in the edits that I’d also get ride of of “I tell myself I am not so different”. One thing I wanted in this poem was a slight juxtaposition with a human element. Your edit removes that human element and leaves it implied (it also takes away even the idea of futile hope by slashing the last two lines) making that human contrast lesser. Probably it makes for a better poem, written by a better poet, But I’m not that subtle lol. Thanks for the in depth feedback and edits! It’s always helpful to see what does and doesn’t work for others, helps me improve as a writer!

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Ionizie•

Love the message (I hope I got it right): “If these leave-less gray dying trees can survive through winter, standing tall praying to the heavens, I can too”. Very vivid imagery.

I’m sure there could be something improved upon in the lines “There is no hope / For dying trees” but I don’t quite see anything wrong with it tbf. That’s just me trying to give some advice

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ISumer•

Hmm, I understood it differently, I don't think it is about hope of surviving through winter. Rather, to me, it is about futile hope of surviving through winter.

Once the mountain pine beetles make their way in, I don't think there's any escape for the trees. They're essentially dead. So, the limbs that rise towards the heaven in prayer, just represent futile hope, something that has been lost and can never be reachieved.

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Ionizie•

Ohhh I think you’re right. The beetle line flew over my head. Once they start chewing away at the tree, there’s nothing it can do. The tree can’t swat away the beetles.

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Eyeballsoffire•

Nice work. I don’t have a lot to say, other then a minor suggestion; if it were my poem, I’d swap the last stanza and the second stanza. The imagery is striking, but I think the structure could use a little tweaking. It’s very good nonetheless.

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penini399•

I agree that the ending could just end with "For dying trees" It brings it all together with a solid understandable ending

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ParadiseEngineer•

I'm really loving the strong opening lines here -- it immediately hits the reader with an image which is carried steadily to the closing thought. There's desperate hope in the image, and you definitely explore that effectively. Also loving the enjambment of 'gray', it's a strong opening syllable for the second line.

What I would look at here, is first 'beetle chew' -- probably just personal preference, but there's something about the phrasing that seems off, when compared to the rest of the piece -- my first thought was simply swapping it out for 'rot' (which probably isn't the best suggestion, because you use 'rotten' later). That way you're kind-of bookending the second line with single strong syllables. Also, it seems at odds with the image of the dying tree, that there is activity; that there is some form of life within it.

I'd also look at whether S5 is necessary. As far as I see it, you want the reader to see the image of this dying tree, then later come to the conclusion that it is saveable; that there is actually hope at the end -- I think that saying 'there is no hope' undermines the final message. My first thought was to ditch it, and move up 'still'. Like this:

Still, on a winter day,
Under a pale sun

These limbs rise towards heaven
Like praying hands.

what do you think?

Anyway, fantastic as always Pins -- I will buy your collection when you publish it.

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ifthisdreamcametrue•

"There is no hope for dying trees."

"On a winter day, under a pale sun."

These lines are some that stood out to me, as they have some sort of niceness to them. Simple and direct, yet still a sort of play on words or appeared contradiction? I don't know if that's the word for it, but i'm sure you understand what I mean. Thank you for sharing!

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LittleMyshkin•

I think this is really lovely, so resonant. I wouldn’t get rid of the ‘beetle chew’ it’s a tangible sensation, and enriching. The repetition suits the structure well, gives it a sense of the forlorn. What I might say is maybe just

No hope For dying trees

Still, these limbs rise Praying.

(Thank you so much for sharing this ✨)

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ItsSwabby•

This looks really good, and the imagery is pretty strong. However if I could suggest any advice, it would be that you change the lines “There is no hope / For dying trees.” It just sounds a bit clunky

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grapheo12•

I loved this poem. It resonates so well with my current situation, and, to a greater extent, the situation of the youth in this world right now.

The rat-race for success, money and fame has engulfed one and all. Only a chosen few come victorious. The rest of us hit dry walls again and again. Punching hard to break the barrier only bleeds our hands, renders our limbs dead.

In search of better life, we have come so far that we have forgotten our roots. We often burn the bridge of going back, only to later realise that it was back home that our true happiness lied.

Overwork has brought out dark rings around the eyes, just like rings of dead bark circle a dying tree.

However, it is hard to kill the tree, for, even with the slightest ray of hope, we survive. We survive despite all the baggage holding us down, telling us to give up. We survive to live another day under the pale sun.

^ This is my attempt at analysing the poem. I hope I got the gist correct.

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xannylxst44•

this is genuinely beautiful with a message i feel like can be interpreted many different ways. i see it as even though there is no hope in a situation, you still keep giving all your faith and devotion to it. watering a plant that will not grow. amazing work :)

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