Hi Callum. Here you present five endstopped lines, when what is written constitutes a single sentence. So what we have are five sentence fragments, each standing alone but entirely dependent on what came prior. Structurally, this is an interesting presentation but I can't suss out its intent, what is being gained. I find myself pausing for an extreme, relatively speaking, amount of time at the end of each waiting for something to be revealed in the white space. Is that the intent? To have the reader hang there, unfulfilled or filling in what is absent. It is just so darn odd and interesting at the same time.

This is a really nice piece. The ending feels very mysterious to me - did the hermit come back because someone escorted him home? Did he come back with multiple people? Or was it just him, and a multitude of thoughts?

The use of the word "crowded" is very interesting, it has so many layers of meaning that could come into play here, even though it's not strictly grammatically correct ("with a crowd" would probably be a more strict translation.) I love it.

My only critique is that you can drop the periods after some of the lines for other punctuation marks, or just leave out punctuation entirely. The periods feel a little out of place here.

Thanks for posting this poem, I really enjoyed it. It's always a treat to get bilingual poetry in both languages, so thanks for that, too. Keep the poetry coming!

I really like this piece. It's got me wondering: why is the hill always hidden? Why did the old man leave? Why did he come back? And crowded in what way? If one of the he points of this piece is mystery, you nailed it. If not, you could flesh it out by answering these questions. 

I'm not sure I like the title though. Maybe "Hermitage" instead? It was more of a journey than just a lonely old man imo.

But awesome piece! I like it more and more with each reread!

full stops hit like a ton of bricks straight away, loved the effects on the reading, really makes you relish and reread each line. 

I just adore how it’s so picturesque in its simplicity, really evocative. The whole piece is a big mystery, from the hidden hills to the quick description of the character; where he went and where he came back from.

Also weirdly spooky, the more I think about it the more I’m in a horror film.

I love it, and how much it makes you think !


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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I found this poem to be fairly relatable, mostly because I too often find myself in situations trying to find a sense of solitude, but failing to find it. Overall I enjoyed it, I don't think I have anything negative I could say about it. Thanks for sharing.

Upon those pine covered hills.   
The ones that the clouds hid.  
Lived the frail old man.   
Who went to be alone.   
But came back crowded.   


那隐士  
—  
在彼由松林所覆盖  
亦为云层所遮蔽的山丘之上  
居于其间者  
垂垂老矣  

他为孤独而去  
却被簇拥着归来  


[Link 1.](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/se4z1r/comment/huhdfmh/)

[Link 2.](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/sde60n/comment/huhatnq/)

The hermit.