Usually

Nice poem! I’ve enjoyed your past few including Smoker (revised) and Ars Pathetica. You have good command of words and vocabulary. It looks like in this poem you are describing your usual routine getting on train / train going but stopping unusually because of some malfunction before starting again after 12 minutes / and then eventually getting off the train and getting a coffee. So you have sketched a fairly routine subject matter that none of us really would think twice about ourselves using vibrant language, and I enjoyed it. It was almost a puzzle making sure I could understand certain phrases and words and debating which words I would have to look up on Google (less than I thought I would actually lol, I think just ‘lith’ and ‘sapience’). The figurative language like ‘reverse lobotomy’ are well done too and add more detail to the poem / story. I don’t really have anything to suggest, except I wish you didn’t use the word ‘suckle’ only because I have seen it used in several poems recently and I don’t know why everybody is suckling all of a suddenly lol. Anyways, I think it’s well done. Thanks for the read!

Dang, I love the picture you painted with the getting a lobotomy from people looking at you on the train. It’s powerful and original. I feel like people talk a lot about feeling alone/being uncomfortable in large groups of strangers and this was a very original take on that feeling!

I think you’re last three paragraphs make a nice “sandwich” with the sounds of the words you choose to use. Like the second paragraph his full of soft sounds in your words, lots of U’s, O’s, W’s, M’s sounds then the next paragraph you have more harsh sounding words than soft sounding ones. With the c’s, T’s, and Sh sounds. That third paragraph with the harsher sounding words really brings out the negative verbs and helps emphasize them. Then you come back around with painting a happier picture of getting coffe from a pretty girl and bring back the soft sounding words :) It makes that third paragraph in the poem really stand out and feel harsh.

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