[973] Impossible choices made real--sci fi short for nature futures

Great premise - you always have such interesting plots.

I made changes in the Google doc where I found grammar/punctuation issues as well as some remarks about some of your word choices.

It's definitely a layered narrative. I think at the beginning, we're not sure about Aden and what his game is; I assumed he was simply a sales person who was so used to his job that he forgot about the human element. It was a surprise at the end, but it made his callousness make more sense.

The story is sad. The memories are sad. It really is a wonderful vignette in a number of ways. I think I'd suggest that you take care about subject/object/verb things - make sure we know who is talking and who is listening.

The bit in the beginning where he refers to them as weirdos - I would take that out. It's too "internal thinking"; it also doesn't really fit the tone of the story. Just telling us what he thinks without that little aside is good enough and besides, it telegraphs too much before we know enough. We want him to seem a little cold inside, a little dead inside, driven by profit, but "weirdos" is juvenile. Does that make sense? Your mileage may vary.

I think you've nailed the tone you wanted overall; the writing just needs a little polish. The conversation around this bizarre tech is intriguing. Generally good dialogue, although I noted a few places where it fell flat for me. The ending is the right ending, although some of the punch is taken out by having his first rumination be about the money and hating his job. As it's written now, I can't tell if he's more annoyed at spending the money or that his wife doesn't like him. Also, if both of them were "revived", what about her? Is she different? Does he like her? He's bitter and that's obvious, but we're missing a lot about who he is and who he used to be. I know you have a word count constraint, but I'd like to know more about who he was vs who he is. How did he die? Did they die together?

I guess it says something about how effective the story is overall, though, that I want to know more. This critique is not very in depth and it's all over the place, and for that I apologize, but I'm happy to talk it out with you if you want.

Quick note, is Nature Futures a magazine or contest? That wasn't clear and I first thought it was some kind of genre that I've never heard of.

OVERALL

Damn, this is a powerful story, especially the ending paragraph. There were a few crucial details I missed on my first reading (explained below) that I think would make the story more impactful if it these details were more obvious.

EMOTIONAL IMPACT

The first emotional line was when they mention they're resurrecting their son. I'm intrigued.

The memories have potential to be more impactful. I understand they are emotional for the mother, but the reader does not have this relationship with the son that seeing him make cookies is emotionally charged. Perhaps change it to memories of him doing something heroic or saying "I love you" or something that is universally heart-wrenching. Alternatively, spending more words describing the memories might make it more impactful.

Hearing Aden's troubles after resurrection was powerful.

Hearing the kid will likely commit suicide again, that Aden kept this from the parents (probably so he could make the sale), and that Aden will probably do the same is a triple whammy that is a superb ending for this piece. I would start "He tapped away the last warning" as a new paragraph to further make this part stand out.

SCIENCE

On my second reading, I start to wonder whether the child is human or robotic. Probably intentionally vague, but if so you should point out the vagueness more.

You barely go into the science, so that's something you could give more details on. Perhaps by explaining the styles of fabrication to potentially use for the son (with emotionally charged implications of each choice).

I also realized on my second reading that they must have tried this before (calling the project v3 and mentioning "we want to make good decisions this time". That's a good point that I wouldn't want to be missed, so I would make that more obvious.

POTENTIAL FOR CUTS

As you include more details, here are some parts I would cut in order to keep yourself under 950 words.

The first paragraphs before "We're resurrecting our son" could be much shorter. We don't need the details on how caring Aden acts or what the Perfect Solutions logo is made of.

The details of the verification/approval is likewise an unnecessary detail that could be shortened.

LINE COMMENTS

Aden lost composure for a millisecond before he adjusted the amperage of his smile from hecto to kilo

So Aden is a robot with human consciousness? This is a good way to show it! I don't recognize "hecto" though so you might want to phrase this differently, like he doubled the amperage.

I'm in the top two percent for economic impact and customer satisfaction, and we are not a small organization

That's not as meaningful a boast as it could be. Top 2% is impressive regardless of the organization size, by the nature of percentages. A better boast would be that he's one of the top 10 individuals. Alternatively, you can keep 2% if you convey that the org has very high standards for all their employees.

Also, economic impact (I'm assuming that means he makes a lot of sales) is not really something he should be mentioning out loud to them.

She cried flat-faced, as the minutes until lunch clicked by.

It took me a second to realize that "She" refers to the mother in the present real world. There should be a clearer transition that the setting is now outside the memories, perhaps something like "The memories stopped playing"

Also it seems a little strange for the minutes until lunch to be mentioned here. It would make sense if Aden was the POV character, but as a 3rd-person narrator it's an odd detail to include. Maybe "as Aden counted the minutes until lunch" if you were intending to show boredom.

"Just Cryan v3." The man answered.

You spell it as Cyran v3 a few lines above so this seems to be a typo.

So I did like the plot of your story overall. I definitely see it as one of those winning short story challenges on plot alone. I do feel like it could use some changes to really get it to the next level.

At first, when I was reading the first sentence, I was like okay this has to do with some kind of business deal involving 3d printing so I was a bit iffy about continuing on. The main part that got me hooked was when they got to the what are we making today part and they answered with we want to revive our son. I think you should start with that because the readers will be like okay this is some kind of sci-fi esque story where resurrection of people is a thing, let me read more. I do understand why you would introduce the main character first comforting these two nervous clients and describing his nonchalance, his ease in doing these types of things in contrast to these people's nervousness. It does make you wonder why these people are so nervous though it's not something that I would be like...ohhh this is unusual. I think you need more of an attention grabber.

I could even see the "So I see you two requested an appointment for a custom ultrahigh definition project. Tell me more?"being the start of the story and then explaining more and possibly checking his watch or his stomach grumbling because it's lunch time. I also do think introducing his calm demeanor and his ability to ease clients with a so what are we making today dialogue and then him questioning the couple like....are you sure this is the path you want to make. Maybe even develop his character more where he becomes the nervous fidgety one because he has gone through the same thing and he doesn't like it.

Call me dumb but I had to look up what the deal is with a fifty tesla magnetic field. If you want to appeal to the non-physicists, maybe add in that it's a strong magnet but I'm just not sure how that ties in with nerves but I understand what you're trying to say.

I agree with one of the other commenters about the smile so white comment. I think that there is a better way to describe the fact that Aden's family photo is not normal, hinting a bit more that he himself (and his wife) in fact is not normal. An idea would be to actually use an older photo of him and his wife that he barely remembers because some of his memory is limited but don't make it obvious.

Your descriptions of certain events are great such as "Aden lost composure for a millisecond before he adjusted the amperage of his smile from hecto to kilo." I love this sentence and it tells me that he is somewhat affected by the couple's request. This sort of description is sprinkled throughout the story. The usage of the bird's nest metaphor is great because it describes his delicacy in handling customers so you're already sort of describing him as a comforting people person. And I also love the the way you list the seconds of events. You start off with the list of events and then you list off the amount of seconds with more detailed description. I think it's my favorite part of this story. It really tells the reader like hey this type of project is really expensive and the two people have worked so hard to get to this point but unfortunately they still have to consider a limited version of their son. It really elicits a sad reaction to your story which is what I hope you're going for. And the mothers choices of what she wants her son to remember is so motherly but then I'm like uhhh father, what are you doing? Why would you want your son to relive his suicide? Though it does make the story interesting. You do wonder whether the son will last having these memories versus without these memories. And I also wonder where his father is coming from.

And then the last paragraph is, to me, a bit much. You're introducing Aden's backstory after developing the couple's story and I think it's a lot of information to tag into the last paragraph. He not only revived himself but also his wife, who doesn't love him. I love the sentence: "The kid had a ninety-two percent chance of committing suicide again". It's got that omg factor that definitely makes me want to read even more after the story has ended. But then you go on about how Aden feeling the same way but throughout the story you don't get a sense that Aden is suicidal. I don't think the character of Aden is developed enough for me to feel sad about Aden. He just seems like a really good salesman. I think if you can sprinkle some more emotional reactions from Aden we could get a sense of who is he. I know that the amount of words you can use is limited so it's hard to choose the right words sometimes.

Sorry this turned into a looooong essay. Overall though, I love the plot and your use of 3d printing as a resurrection tool, definitely unique. The structure of the story and the development of your main character does need improving. I liked your use of dialogue and the actions surrounding them as well as your descriptions. Good work!

First off, I did really enjoy this, and almost wish it were longer, though I understand why it isn't. It's compelling. Most of my notes are on slight inconsistencies.

Questions Raised

If they haven't done any custom printing before, why is it v3?

I do question why he doesn't know that they want to make a human, or what their budget would be, if they've already had a consultation.

How did the dad know to have exactly three minutes prepared? Why would the memory around a suicide note be okay and not the note itself? Why would the dad want to include it?

Specific Wording That Didn't Work for Me

"not a single blemish on his happy family, smiles so white a dentist asked them how they did it" Like TBex said, this didn't hit home for me. Picture perfect, maybe? Idyllic? A different eye color might work too, like you mentioned. With the existence of veneers, I just don't think this line does what it's aiming for.

"We've been saving for 15 years, and we just want to make good decisions this time." This could be more emotionally impactful IMHO. 'Fix' things? Second chance? Hug him again? "Make good decisions" feel a bit distant.

Aden

I love the direction you're taking for the ending; a bit of polishing and it will be incredibly emotional and thought provoking. As it stands, I question whether or not his wife was aware of the modifications Aden would have made, and whether or not their child was alive prior to their resurrection. Did they die at the same time? Was she pregnant when she died? How much of the difference in her love is due to the physical differences as opposed to them not having all their memories/the intense stress of being 'reborn' into a lifetime of debt? And how much could they possible remember, if 600k over the base cost only netted the customers 6 minutes of low-quality memories? Is the real problem that they are mismatched now that they are redeveloping themselves as people?

​

I'd love to read it again post-editing. :)

GENERAL REMARKS

Once I got into it, which didn’t take long, I was captivated by the flow of this story. The flow is great and its biggest asset, I think. It’s consistent and works well with the diction. The tone is great. The subject matter is interesting and the ending heartbreaking, as intended. It doesn’t read as just shock value. Overall a very good story. I don’t have any super harsh criticisms to provide so I’ll include mostly what worked for me and why.

TITLE

I found the title kind of bland. It’s too abstract for me. I can’t really suggest an alternative, I don’t even know if you need an alternative. Maybe an open sort of blank canvas title is good for this story. But I just want to let you know it didn’t pop for me and I didn’t immediately read your story because of it. Although it says a lot after reading the story, it says little prior to. It didn’t tell me a lot about the tone of this story or what I could expect from it. Maybe that’s what you’re going for? As far as I’m concerned, an average reader, the title is an area for improvement.

HOOK

For me, the hook is not exactly what you wrote but rather how you wrote it. It’s got a rhythm. Secondary to the rhythm it anchors the story’s characters and setting, which is well done. But most importantly to me the opening paragraph introduces the flow of the story. One thing I did like about the opening sentence is how you mention lunch lol. To me, that adds a very human and relatable aspect to the story from the start. The way you described Aden’s smile and eyes had me re-read that segment, at first hesitant, but I think the description is bold and the line is consistent with how the story is written generally.

MECHANICS

The sentences were easy to read, the sentence lengths satisfactory varied, and I think I got the right feeling for what the piece attempted to express. I didn’t spot any annoying adverbs or grammar mistakes. There was a name that was spelled differently on occasion, probably one of them is a mistake. Easy to miss.

There were some great lines in this piece that I enjoyed that I want to highlight:

aggressively comforted

handing them the conversation with the care he would use to handle a bird's nest.

Aden lost composure for a millisecond before he adjusted the amperage of his smile from hecto to kilo

She cried flat-faced, as the minutes until lunch clicked by

All the modifications he took on to be perfectly suited for the job rankled him with every bite of lab grown salmon

And lastly:

The kid had a ninety-two percent chance of committing suicide again.

This read so sad despite me as a reader already knowing about the suicide. It’s probably the cold calculations involved that had me feel something.

These lines appear to me as fluent and effortless. They’re evenly spread out across the piece which tells me you paid equal attention to every part of your story. By that I mean it doesn’t seem like you refined mostly the beginning or end, but the whole thing received the same care. It creates a really enjoyable tone.

This line however felt a bit cliche:

smiles so white a dentist asked them how they did it.

But as I mentioned, the real strength with this piece I found to be the flow and rhythm, how the sentences worked together and the readability that came from that. In short, the beat works.

PLOT AND PACING

I think you approached the plot, to revive (3d print) a child lost to suicide in a very readable way that didn’t jolt me or seemed illogical. It’s a premise I could accept as a reader and as the story progressed I got increasingly curious as to how you would wrap it up. The length of the piece is just right, it didn’t feel rushed and it didn’t linger at the wrong places.

I’m torn with the ending, frankly. I feel like there’s five major touchdowns in your story that has the reader potentially feel something:

"Actually, who."

"We don't include suicide notes."

The kid had a ninety-two percent chance of committing suicide again

Reviving himself and his wife was expensive.

Once his debt was paid and his kid was set, that was his plan too.

And although the ending makes perfect sense, is logical, and wraps up the piece consistently I feel like it might be one too much. But honestly, it fits, and I don’t know how you could pull it off differently. It’s just a lot of punches. Maybe I’m misunderstanding something here. In a way, as I said, it makes sense. You prepared for that. Probably that was the point of the whole story. But maybe I’m a little emotionally exhausted by that time for the ending to really kick in. I don’t know. Obviously it’s a good thing your story made me feel something (my heart is made of stone I like to think). But maybe I got saturated before I reached the ending. I don’t have a fix for that and I don’t even know if it’s really broken and needs fixing.

SETTING, STAGING, AND DESCRIPTION

I’m picturing this scene playing out in an office. There’s not loads of description of this office, but there’s a fair amount of staging which I think is sufficient seeing how this scene is put together. It doesn’t lean on a lot of interaction or reflection (until the end) and it doesn’t need to. It’s not overdone.

In the first part of the story there are some action descriptions that I think worked well to show Aden’s engaging with the couple, although they have the same structure:

Aden gestured to them with a cupped hand

Aden reached across his desk

Aden leaned forward just a hair,

The similar structure here is not really a problem but still I want to point it out.

As far as worldbuilding is concerned here, it was not until the couple mentioned they want to print someone rather than something that made me realize this story takes place where that kind of business is possible. I think the timing was good. I bought into it. I don’t think it needs to be hammered down earlier what kind of time or place this is. Adding a time or a place might not be a good idea, either. As it stands, the fact that this procedure is at all possible tells me everything I need to know.

Overall I think the staging in this story is realistic and added personality.

CHARACTER AND DIALOGUE

Describing the couple as grey-haired was a really good way of adding colour to them. The memories served to add backstory and they felt smoothly incorporated. The memories are a key part of this story to chisel out that character that is the son. Without it, the story would be lacking something.

Overall, the dynamic between the three of them in conversation felt organic and natural. The spoken lines felt earned and smooth. It was clear who said what. The characters all felt alive.

CLOSING COMMENTS

So you can tell I really enjoyed this story and struggled to find parts to really criticize. Here and there are bits of information that I thought were great, everything from how this appointment is the last one before lunch to the fact the lunch break is only ten minutes long, and loads of other stuff in between. It tied the story together well. In just a few words you created a space where everything was clear, nothing clouded, although the story itself is not so simple, but it seemed effortless nonetheless. My only reservations are some word choices, the title, and the ending (a little bit, but now when I’m concluding the critique, I’m not so sure anymore, maybe it’s a good ending after all). I didn’t find any structural problems with the story, the flow is super, the plot is interesting.

Thanks for sharing!