r/DestructiveReaders•4 yr. ago

[3463] Noose around a rose

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1n03MW6MO88Xk3Lxen3qN8LBapSbfDVE1mvA9vZL-tJA/edit?usp=sharing

This is the first chapter so it requires no prior information. Things I would like feedback on:

Do you feel that the chapter is too long for the reader to reach the hook at the end? If so where should I cut the length?
Do you feel like the main character has a believable, unique voice?
What did you think of the scene with the light in the bathroom at the end? Do you feel like I handled the subject with respect?
Did this chapter make you want to read on/do you feel like this is a good start to a story?

[1710] [2604]

Posted Mar 19, 2022, 12:31 PM UTC · edited

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Grauzevn8MODclueless amateur number 2•4 yr. ago

Apologies if you saw the leech mark come and go talking about Michelangelo. Your crits were smushed together on my interface and read as only one crit of a 1.7 piece.

bartosioOP•4 yr. ago

I'm sorry I messed up the formatting, it looked fine on pc and I now corrected the mistake.

sarcasonomicon•4 yr. ago

General Remarks

In this first chapter, Rose survives an attempted date-rape by mutilating (killing?) the guy with a (nail?) file.

If we strip away problems with your sentence composition, present/past tense, and everything else, and just look at story at the coarsest level, I think it’s this:

Rose has had some dark stuff happen in her past. I assume that’s what Rose is thinking about when she thinks about “the opportunity for normalcy. This guy wasn’t a demi-god ready to smite me down after witnessing an act that did not please him.” Now she’s finally bouncing back and this horrible attempted date-rape happens to her. This is pretty good – not for Rose but for the story. Your protagonist must suffer! Not that suffering alone makes for a good story - she'll need to want something she can't have too.

We end with her in the bathroom with the mutilated (and dead?) Josh. WTF is she going to do now? A good cliffhanger

So I think the fundamental skeleton is sound. But I think the execution failed in many ways:

The writing itself needs a lot of work. It’s hard to read the piece and see anything but grammar issues. I go over this in the Grammar section of my comments
There are big improvements needed in the way you approach 1st-person narration. See the Mechanics section of my comments.
You frequently commit the sin of telling instead of showing. See the Mechanics section of my comments

sarcasonomicon•4 yr. ago

Mechanics

This story is a 1st-person narration, mostly in the present tense. There are a few places where you flip-flop between tenses and I don’t think you meant to do it. Those are very distracting. Show stoppers, really. But let’s talk about 1st-person, present tense, starting with present tense.

I hate the present tense narration. Maybe that’s a just my taste, but I don’t see stories told this way … anywhere, really. I really want you to change to an all-past-tense storytelling mode. I think you’re trying to write it as if Rose was telling the reader – a close friend – what happened. When we talk to each other about something that happened, we might use present tense, like: “So now I’m talking to this guy, and he’s looking at my shirt…” That’s okay for us telling stories verbally, but I don’t think it’s okay for written stories. I don’t have a formal justification for that. Just … please write this all in the past tense.

Now onto 1st-person narration. First person narration is a great way to tell a story because there is no distance between the protagonist and the reader – there’s no narrator, so you don’t have to worry about distinguishing between the character’s thoughts and things the narrator needs to tell the reader that don’t involve the character. But there are LOTS narrative mistakes that needlessly put distance between the protagonist and the reader. Like these:

I get reminded of my nausea, so I pull out my cigarette pouch and roll myself one.
My nerves clamped my mouth shut
My neck relaxes a little and my shoulders slowly slump.
my chest is filled with pride for having finally taken the first step.
My chest puffed up even more, lifting me up and pulling my palms from leaning on the sink.
The words blew me back violently, causing me to hit my head against the wall, my breath quickened to the point of hyperventilation and my tears morphed into an uncontrollable sobbing.
My gaze diverted and I started to look into the dim light on the wall behind him.
my mind a mere observer of the events unfolding instead of a victim.
a glimmer sending a shockwave through my body.
The same body that only seconds ago was hammering blow after blow was now too weak to even support itself.
the verbal bombardement bringing small tears into my eyes
causing me to hit my head against the wall
My arms instinctively wrapped themselves around my body
a glimmer sending a shockwave through my body
All of my muscles started to tense again
My eyes fixated on a file
I experienced a similar wince to the one that Josh had when he tried his.

In each of these cases, it’s not Rose doing something, but part of her body doing it. Rose’s eyes are Rose. Rose’s arms are Rose. Rose’s mind is Rose. You’re dumping a bunch of extra words into these statements, and making the reader link up Rose’s eyes with Rose. This might be the greatest single issue with the storytelling here – it’s like Rose isn’t doing anything, just different parts of her body taking actions. Just do this, it’s simpler and so much better:

I felt like puking so I rolled a cigarette
My mouth clamped shut
I relaxed
I was filled with pride
The verbal bombardment made me cry
I fixated on a file
I winced like Josh

You also commit the sin of telling instead of showing. Here are some sentences that stood out to me as telling me what happened instead of showing me

A while later I took my last few puffs and signalled for him to lead the way in
I stood there looking at the man in the darkness for what felt like forever, then leaned in to light my cigarette
Josh stammered for a while
Something about the suddenly apparent calm made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up
Used my hands to feebly try to discourage the assailant in front of me.
I began to unload a hail of blows into his torso causing him to step back a little

Each of these, I think, should be replaced with few sentences that show me the stammering, or the feeble use of hands, or the unloading of blows.

Ever since Stephen King published “On Writing” we’ve been on a witch-hunt against dialog tags other than “said.” You do a pretty good job with the dialog tags, using them when needed and skipping them when it’s obvious who’s speaking. But a few non-said tags slipped in. Maybe one of these could stay, but, I think most or all should just be “said” or “shouted.”

- I said somewhat bitterly.

- he quipped.

- Josh wailed.

- he barked

sarcasonomicon•4 yr. ago

Setting

The story takes place outside and then inside of a dive bar. The major scene here – the sexual assault / Josh-mutilation takes place in the women’s room of the bar. I question using the bathroom as the location for this. In a crowded bar, there’d likely be a lot of traffic in the women’s room. Also, a bouncer or bartender who is on the lookout for crap happening in the establishment might see a man push his way into the bathroom. My sense is that Josh is calculating enough to commit his assault somewhere less risky. I could be way off base here – I’m a guy and therefore haven’t put the huge and constant effort into thinking about bar-safety that women have to. Perhaps this kind of assault is common?

Sentence Composition

I had huge problems with the way you compose your sentences. I’m going to pick one paragraph from the story and go over the problems in details. Keep in mind, I had the same kinds of problems with your sentence composition throughout. I only have time to pick apart one of them. Here’s the paragraph:

He drags me into the pub, tugging on my arm as if I was still a child. As the doors swing open the thick aura is the first thing that hits me, and it comes in successive waves. First is that distinctive smell that develops after a carpet has been left wet for too long, akin to that of a wet dog. Why does a pub have a carpet anyway? Second is the smell of spilt alcohol and cigarettes that has sunk deep into every crevice after years of abuse. Last is the river of sweat originating from the sea of people currently making fools of themselves on the comically small ‘dance floor’. Whatever music they have playing, like you would even be able to tell, is drowned out by the discombobulating chatter, shouts, and laughter of the patrons.

He drags me into the pub, tugging on my arm as if I was still a child.

I'd like it if you used the past tense, and removed some words:

He dragged me into the pub by my arm, like I was a child.

As the doors swing open the thick aura is the first thing that hits me, and it comes in successive waves.

The sentence has the high-level form: As X, and Y. I don’t like this. “As something happened, and it was adjective.” It doesn’t work. Further nitpicking: An “aura” isn’t something that hits you, I don’t think. The doors swinging open is a short event, and you have several waves of “aura” happening over the course of the short event of the doors opening.

How about something like this instead:

The smell hit me as soon as the door opened – perpetually wet carpet with canine undertones. Why did the pub even have a carpet?

Second is the smell of spilt alcohol and cigarettes that has sunk deep into every crevice after years of abuse.

Why don’t I like this? You can’t really smell that it was deep in the crevices, can you? Years of what kind of abuse? Spilling abuse? What about something like this:

The smell of yesterday’s cigarettes and last week’s spilled beer?

Last is the river of sweat originating from the sea of people currently making fools of themselves on the comically small ‘dance floor’.

The first two “waves of aura” are smells and this is a “river” of sweat. It’s obviously the smell of the sweaty people, so I think you should describe it as a smell, not a river. I think you’re packing too much into this sentence: river of sweat, sea of people currently making fools of themselves, comically small dance floor.

sarcasonomicon•4 yr. ago

Your questions

Is the chapter too long – there is a lot of fat you can cut. You could get a 10% word reduction just by tightening up the writing. There’s a lot of words used in the description of the bathroom light that I think need to be removed (see my comments below).

Do you feel like the main character has a believable, unique voice? No. I don’t think her observations about things – the smell of the pub, Josh’s appearance, for instance, give her a very unique or believable personality.

See below for my comments about the bathroom scene and whether I’d keep reading.

The bathroom scene

I want to talk about the fight in the bathroom in detail. It’s got to be visceral, unfair, realistic, and gross. I don’t think you achieved those goals. The structure of it this:

He forces his way in and is verbally aggressive
Then he pins her against the wall
She responds timidly
The effects of the drug hit her
Then, somehow, she makes a comeback from the drug and fights back
He responds even more forcefully, pinning her back to the wall
She stabs him with a file in his torso, shoulder, neck, head, and eye socket

#1 – I think you did an okay job of making Josh frightening. I sensed a real and serious threat towards Rose. She’s in serious trouble.

#2 – He pins her to the wall. I don’t think you make this bad enough for Rose. Somehow it’s gotta get even worse for her. We should be even more aware that violent rape/assault is coming and it’s going to be bad. ‘I’m going to get what I’m owed.’ he whispered isn’t enough, I don’t think.

#3 – why is she so timid? Is it a survival tactic? The drugs?

#4 – We really lose the pace of the scene with the entire paragraph about the light.

#5 – The comeback isn’t explained at all. What happened? Adrenaline?

#6 – I think Josh needs to do more than pin her to the wall. Something really bad.

#7 – Is this a nail file? Aren’t those pretty flimsy – even the metal ones? Wouldn’t Josh fight back more. I think this part needs to be more brutal with Josh fighting back more instead being a passive knife absorber.

Finally, this last line doesn’t work for me:

This demon of my creation put me into a state of hypnosis, unable to move or to even comprehend the world beyond its creepy judgemental gaze.

How about if eye-socket-hole Josh is twitching on the floor, blood everywhere, and then there’s a knock at the door “everyone all right in there?” Or something make us realize that Rose isn’t out of the woods yet, and we really need to keep reading to see how she gets out of this situation. Maybe that’s not what you’re going for, but the “demon of my creation” sentence doesn’t work well as a hook of for the next chapter.

Banger1233•4 yr. ago

Your critique is so good, damn. I was so confused, I thought she was some kind of demon and she got demon powers in the bathroom scene.

bartosioOP•4 yr. ago

I wanted to thank you so much for putting this together. I knew from reading it over and over that something was wrong with the mechanics of how I wrote it. I just couldn't put it into words. I also feared the comment about the character voice. I have a lot of exposition planned, but seem to struggle giving them a unique voice. This is the first long story that I wrote since secondary school and I knew it had issues. Again thank you so much.

Infinite-diversity•4 yr. ago

Hey there. Would you be willing to open the document to comments?

bartosioOP•4 yr. ago

I wasn't aware I've done that, let me fix that real quick!

edit: if you click the link again it should be fine now!

Infinite-diversity•4 yr. ago

[1/3]

Before the critique begins: There were a lot of tense shifts in the beginning, but I'm going to assume they were innocent errors—you've been going back and forth, making adjustments, they were a product of the process—so I won't mention them any further. There were also a fair amount of arbitrary semicolons, some of which were incorrectly used. But that's also nothing to be harped on about. Oh, and, obviously, nothing I say here is personal. I don't know you.

MY FIRST READ

I didn't like it. Neither on the technical level, nor the story level. The pacing, in parts, didn't match the happenings (too much time spent on needless details). The plot itself was "cheap", gratuitous.

I didn't like either character. That's not a bad thing, but what it does is damage this story. She was extremely hostile towards this man before he had said/done anything warranting hostility. She came off as a massive bitch, to be blunt. It would be better if we felt sympathetically towards her before the climax, it would add a greater emotional punch. You did attempt this immediately prior to the climax, her daydream… but it's too late by then. Yes, of course we feel sympathy because of what the guy did. Of course. It's not the point, though. As I said, it's not an incorrect thing to do with the character, it's just (I believe) a misstep for the plot.

However! You could be trying to execute a very valid point. That is: What a woman chooses to wear, or how that woman's attitude is perceived—friendly or hostile—is not grounds for sexual assault.

I could make the case that that's what you were going for here (but I could also argue for the opposition). I believe it's a very obvious message, poorly executed. But it does give this piece a larger purpose. Without it, though: cheap. The moment the guy (Josh, I believe) hit the ground she should have stopped. Was continuing a justifiable act? Yes, for sure. I'd be more than willing to argue for a crime of passion if I was her lawyer—and she'd probably win. But it doesn't make it right just because we can justify it, because we can understand it. I mention all this not as a character analysis, but as a consideration of the possible message: what does this say? "Kill all nice guys"? That's a message I can stand behind in theory only. First we murder the "Josh's" of the world. Great. Probably a benefit. Then we murder the "Steven's". Well I mean, he had the potential to go full Josh. Okay, fine… it was a preemptive strike. Before you know it we're asking why people are murdering the "Andy's" for the slightest of things. Vigilante justice is a logarithmic slope. Yeah, Josh deserves it. But Rose also deserves her stint in jail—it stopped being self-defense the moment he fell.

So, why did I just go on that rant, also? Because if that turns out to be the overarching message of your book, awesome! That's a complex issue with an ocean of varying opinions. However, in the way this has been presented to me (after my first read, admittedly) I struggle to believe that this is nothing more than gratuitous revenge porn. Which is quite cheap and distasteful. There are only two kinds of stories I can allow this message for: 1) a story of continuous, domestic abuse; 2) a family member killing the abuser of an underage relative. And even then, they have to face the consequences of that action (bonus points if they go into their revenge completely ready/willing to face the consequences, even if they try to evade arrest).

You may believe I've gone a little too far with the above. I personally think it is valid. A story of this kind needs to be very careful with the message it puts out into the world.

Note: you can still do any message/theme you want. I stand by that completely. I would never say "Don't do that!" I am only speaking my opinion. There will be those who disagree with what I've said from every possible angle. And that's fine. The core of what I'm trying to say still stands: make sure your message aligns with what's presented.

Additional Note: This was my first read through, it's possible I missed some key details which would alter the opinions above. If that is the case then I'll be sure to rectify this in the more in depth critique. This will be staying as is, however, as it gives you insight into what a casual reader may think.

Infinite-diversity•4 yr. ago

[2/3]

THE ACTUAL CRITIQUE

Do you think the chapter is too long, and where should I cut the length?: My short answers are "Yes, and everywhere." There's hundreds of wasted words (I don't believe I am exaggerating). The only way I could show you where I think things should be cut would be to rewrite it entirely. Sometimes, that's okay to do. A user on here once did it for me during a critique (I didn't agree with their version, but it offered insight and illustrated their valid points). The problem is that my submission was 500 words. This is 3400. Some consider it in very poor taste to do a rewrite, but I need to in order to answer your question. Here's the first paragraph with all the information I believe is unneeded removed.

This night started like any other. I stood outside the Horseshoe pub shivering in the dark, moonless night. My short jacket and light dress provided no protection from the piercing wind, although that wasn’t the only reason I was shivering. There was no sign of him. I felt nauseous waiting, so I rolled myself a cigarette. The heavy wind kept extinguishing my lighter, and I grew more and more agitated with each try. Suddenly a lit lighter punctured my periphery, ‘Rose Williams, I presume?’ I stood there looking at the man for what felt like forever. Then leaned in to light my cigarette. Nervousness clamped my mouth shut, and all I managed was an acknowledging nod in retreat. I used a drag of my cigarette to take stock of him: a bit chubbier than his profile, definitely not 6 foot (shorter than me, in fact), I couldn't help but notice how unsure of himself he seemed. We stood together in the darkness, awkwardly, whilst I finished smoking. During my final puffs I signalled for him to lead us inside. ‘No, no, no, ladies first. I insist,’ he insisted.

The original paragraph was 277 words. This is 188. I didn't try to write it how I would have, and I am in no way saying this is better. I only aimed to condense it (I understand that doing this may have removed details I couldn't know were integral to your story moving forwards). I feel every paragraph could be trimmed to a similar extent, meaning it may be possible to bring this down to approximately 2000 words whilst still retaining its "essence". Also, I really like the "he insists." line, although I don't believe it needed to be italicised (the point stands on its own).

Is Rose's voice believable and unique?: It's impossible to answer that question. The prose is far too cluttered to make a fair character assessment. Do I find her believable as a character? Yes, but this answer could change depending on your intentions (I have to assume you're going for realism with this subject matter).

Did this chapter make me want to read on? Is this a good start to a story?: No. I wouldn't have proceeded beyond the first paragraph. Yes, in theory I believe this would be an interesting first chapter. But my answer is no because of how you executed it. This is only partly because of its "choppiness". The main issue is that I have no idea where it's going, and the questions (as covered in the "first read" section) which would usually hook a reader… I have no wish to discover their answers. It's not because of the subject matter, it's—and this is going to sound horrible—because I don't have confidence in your ability to deliver those answers.

What do I think of the end scene (the light), and do I think you handled it appropriately?:

I've read the chapter a few times now, and there are three different ways I am interpreting this scene. One of them would really piss me off if it were true. Another would have me say that this is accidentally distasteful. And the last would be the best of the three. I'll start by assuming the last.

What you're trying to do is good. Using metaphors to describe the rape is a far more palatable way than bluntly describing it. It hasn't really worked, though. Likening the walls to the gunmetal-grey of the "familiar prison" is okay. The light is an interesting (actually, it's inspired) way of implying both Josh's thrusting and Rose's dimming into despair. This image is also solidified with the fact she has been spiked.

Before we move forward, I need to highlight two things that have potential ramifications:

I lifted the glass up for a toast and sipped the drink.

After I came to from my train of thought I took a note of the time on my watch and realised that I was late, [...]

In the first excerpt Rose takes a single sip, which is far too low a dosage. In the second we receive an indication that some time has passed (although we don't know how much), and this was done to allow the drug time to take effect (and also get her purse in the bathroom). Hold these in your mind, and let's carry on.

The problems begin with these descriptions:

Infinite-diversity•4 yr. ago

[3/3]

The bulb flickered slightly, giving off a warm orange light.

Describing it as a warm orange light is completely off-tone considering.

Time slowed to a crawl, each flicker now seemingly minutes apart, a dash of light, then a moment of darkness,[...]

This is an okay description. Both the hopelessness and the drug are taking hold.

But then the light came back, a glimmer sending a shockwave through my body. I felt a slight tingle in my fingertips. The monstrous engines that power my body slowly powered on and the great beast lumbered forward.

And this is where I start to get a bit worried as the first and second of my interpretations of this scene gain a tangible footing. I hope that this is just a failed attempt at a more "poetic" description. That her rage alone, her newly revitalised hope (the light coming back) is what is being described. But it is also implausible in this interpretation, because—

My head started to spin a little and I felt a little faint. I grabbed the sink again to stabilise myself, shook it off [...]

—she should not be able to recover (to fight Josh off) from a date-rape drug, in any capacity, if it has reached the level of intoxication described. However, as I mentioned above, the drug has been administered in too low a dosage and (maybe) too little time has passed, and you could certainly know this. This would suggest, if it wasn't in fact an error, and she really did recover, that one of my other interpretations is correct.

I'm going to highlight the excerpts and describe myself afterwards.

My elevated heart rate has settled but now a familiar heat began to rise into my head through my neck

‘Do you like studying biology?’ [...] My necklace was indeed an abstraction of a phylogenetic tree.

This guy wasn’t a demi-god. [...] A being with insatiable wrath, holding all of his power over me, manipulating my every word into an insult, looking, prying, for a way for a way to unleash it.

Each flicker was one more step of a dead man walking, trying to prolong the inevitable.

The darkness was seeping into my body, corrupting my soul, my core; a beating heart of darkness.

But then the light came back, a glimmer sending a shockwave through my body. I felt a slight tingle in my fingertips. The monstrous engines that power my body slowly powered on and the great beast lumbered forward.

Another thunder bolt of light, sending terror into the dark, feeding more power into the engines.

I began to unload a hail of blows into his torso causing him to step back a little, the light made the room so bright that I noticed every corner of the cramped room.

This may be, innocently, a failed attempt to display a prior mental health issue. Why do I say "failed"? Because it's being passed off as some kind of superpower, capable of overpowering a date-rape drug. Admittedly, you could know that she ingested too little. That's possible. But even then the way you've described the mental health issues are slightly distasteful. These are sensitive subjects that require you to be extremely accurate, extremely considerate, and in my opinion you failed.

The worst interpretation comes if nothing here was an error. If these descriptions I'm believing to be figuratively analogous of the assault are in fact literal. It sounds as if you're using a rape scene to introduce a protagonist's superpowers. Superpowers very similar to those featured in the film "Wanted". I really hope this isn't the case. Biology is constantly used as a protagonist's interest when they have inexplicable superpowers ("the next stage in evolution!"). Rose describes Josh as not being a demigod, and then digs into that description as if she has indeed met a demigod who did unknown abusive shit to her. The line "each flicker was one more step of a dead man walking" can also support this, as if she knows she's about to go full James McAvoy on his ass. I hope this isn't the case. It's a personal opinion but revealing superpowers like this feels "dirty", and I've wrote and read some fucked up shit. The true problem lies in what this would mean for the rest of the story. If you refer back to what I said in my first read and then throw this on top… man, I don't know. I'm an avid believer that everything can be done if the writer is skilled enough, I don't think you're ready to handle what this could possibly be.

EVERYTHING ELSE

I've pretty much covered everything besides prose, setting, and characters. But doing this would be irrelevant as the entire text is obfuscated with unnecessary words, tense shifts, and a lack of direction. I feel this needs to be gone over with a razor blade. The pacing is off. Josh is completely one dimensional and existed only as a murder-mcguffin. Rose was not a well explored character (she had hints of a background, but that background could be anything from a loveless childhood to something involving a literal demigod).

What I'm saying is that I believe the entire thing needs to be rewritten. Going into the technical writing aspects would be like carving Mount Rushmore with a spoon. I'm sorry to give you a critique like this, I know how they feel. But I can guarantee that in a few weeks/months you will look back on this draft and laugh. Please do edit and then resubmit this. Remember, "not personal, just my opinion."

bartosioOP•4 yr. ago

Hi, thank you so much for giving your honest opinion, I will try to address some of the things that you mentioned to ease your concerns a little. Firstly, I wasn't striving for any point with the murder of Josh. I simply thought it would be an interesting hook in the sense of 'I've just killed someone in a public place, wtf do I do now?' Although, I do concede that Josh becomes an asshole abruptly, and that might send the wrong message. About the rape scene, it was 100% intended only as a metaphor, since I really didn't think I could describe it any other way without being insensitive. Regarding the drug dosage, what I tried to convey is that the dosage is indeed too low. She is meant to feel slightly woozy. That she is able to fight it off with sheer adrenaline since she only had one sip. At least that's what I was going for and I explain this later in chapter two with a monologue. Again thank you so much for the criticism since it gives me lot's of things to improve on (like the likability/voice of the character)

Banger1233•4 yr. ago

(1/2)

I will split this critique into two parts, first I want to give you a fast TLDR on the questions you gave me and then put a more in detail critique into the child comment. I also would take this critique as always with a grain of salt, because English is not my mother language and I m not a professional writer. So, here we go:

Do you feel that the chapter is too long for the reader to reach the hook at the end? If so where should I cut the length? No, I think it is a fine length but I have no idea how long your book will be. If it only will be 40k words this chapter is too long.
Do you feel like the main character has a believable, unique voice? She talks too little to have an opinion about this. But from the few examples in this text, I would say yes. She sounds like a young woman from the southeast of the USA.
What did you think of the scene with the light in the bathroom at the end? Do you feel like I handled the subject with respect? I don't know what to think of this scene. I'm not sure I got the scene. But if this scene was him drugging and trying to rape her and her getting her demon powers, then you probably handled the subject with respect.
Did this chapter make you want to read on/do you feel like this is a good start to a story? No, I just feel like the character seems so blank and uninteresting (keep in mind that this is my opinion, and opinions can vary), she doesn't have any character. The only thing I want to know after reading this is why she is hiding from the demi-gods and why they hunted her.

Banger1233•4 yr. ago

(2/2)

Now let's go to my more in-depth critique

Grammar

I want to start with the worst part of your chapter, which is without a doubt the grammar. You switch from past tense to present tense all the time. Even I as a nonnative English speaker saw most of these mistakes. There are too many of these to be worth listing up here.

Pacing

The pacing of your text is okay at first but in the last part especially the fighting scene you are over describing the scene. Also, I would suggest removing the paragraph where she regains her strength or at least reducing it. It kills the pace.

Characters

I'm sorry but the mc is just dull and empty. I don't care for her. I find her kind of annoying. But you hit the spot on Josh, he feels scary and creepy. The fight scene makes his character "shine".

Formating

I don't like single quotation marks in texts. It just looks weird, this is just me probably but I don't know. Some of your paragraphs could also use some splitting up.

Conversations

I don't know if it is the characters or if the conversation is just dull. It's really hard to describe but it felt like the characters didn't want to be there. Sometimes I thought Rose would answer with a normal human response just to respond with "OK" or "sure".

Ease of reading

For me, this text was because of its grammar hard to read. The chapter was also very confusing, especially when she regained her strength. I hope this text was about a demon woman, I just wrote another critique and he didn't mention it, so I don't know.

bartosioOP•4 yr. ago

The other commenters touched on the grammar and mc issue and I will try to fix it. I will also have a look at the conversation. From what I gather this was a chore to read through so I really appreciate your patience and taking the time to write this up!

hugmebrutha•4 yr. ago

Hi, this is my first time posting a critique on here so apologies in advance if I mess up on the formatting. This will mostly just be random things that jump out at me so it make be a bit disorganized. I'll post a summary at the end of my initial thoughts/impressions.

Initial thoughts

As others have pointed out in the document already, I'm noticing a lot of inconsistencies with tense. You bounce back and fourth between present and past which makes it feel awkward. I've found that a lot of people seem to have beef with present tense (I don't mind it, if the story is good I can get into anything) so it's especially important when using present to get it right so it feels more natural. Also, in your first paragraph you start a lot of sentences back to back with "I verb" which feels repetitive and a little dull. For example:

I peered away from the ground for a moment to look around, still no sign of him, I rub my hands and blow warm air into them. I get reminded of my nausea, so I pull out my cigarette pouch and roll myself one. I put it in my mouth but the wind put my already weak lighter out. I kept rolling the flint in futility, growing more and more agitated with each try.

Just a suggestion but something more like

I peer away from the ground for a moment to look around - still no sign of him. My hot breath does little to warm my fingers which are growing more numb with each icy gust of wind. Another wave of nausea rolls through my body threatening to send what little I have in my stomach onto the sidewalk. I pull out my cigarette pouch, roll myself one, and place it between my lips, the sweet taste of tobacco already easing my queasy stomach. Cupping my weak lighter in my hands, I bring it to the cigarette and attempt to light it, but the wind has other plans. I roll the flint again and again, growing more agitated with each try but the wind refuses to let even a brief flame emerge.

This is a habit I find myself falling into a lot and when I do, I try to focus less on what the character is doing and more on what they're feeling. Ask yourself what they're thinking, what they're seeing, what they're hearing and try describing that to break up some of the "I verb" sentences.

You end the first paragraph saying the man insists on the mc leading the way but then begin the next paragraph saying he's dragging her which feels a little contradictory.

In the third paragraph, you should spell out the number three.

I don't love the phrase hold your horses, it feels a little cheesy to me.

The paragraph where the mc is in the bathroom fixing her mascara feels a little on the nose with the description of demi-god men and gaining normalcy. In this one paragraph you desribe men as demi-gods full of wrath looking to smite and manipulate, and then you bring up past demons, anxiety and childhood trauma without hinting at what any of those anxieties, demons, or traumas are. Something a little more subtle that relates more directly to her experiences or reasons for feeling this way would be more effective. To give another quick example of what I mean instead:

Unfortunately for Josh the smile had nothing to do with him, more what he represented for me: the opportunity for normalcy. He was awkward, and forgetful, and a little weird but he was normal. I didn't have to watch what I said around him, always calculating every word that came out of my mouth to and then waiting to see how it would be used against me in the future. Josh wasn't exactly a prince charming, but when all you've known are ogres, even the jester can help chase away your demons.

In the first sentence of the next paragraph you repeat still before and after arguably. I found this paragraph confusing. I get the beginning of it - she's proud at having taking the first step towards healing. But the following stream of conscious narrating doesn't seem to connect.

The sudden change from Josh feels very jarring when he pushes her into the bathroom and the mc doesn't seem to react much to his sudden change in character. Obviously she's scared and that definitely comes across but if I were on this date I'd be thinking wtf happened to the nervous guy I was sitting across from ten minutes ago? And if I'd also suffered trauma that it seems the mc has I'd be thinking that I was right all along and maybe there is no normal.

In the following paragraphs describing the assault you use the phrase my assailant a lot to describe Josh so it feels repetitive.

Summary Thoughts

Prose/grammar:

You switch between tenses a lot which really pull the reader out of the story. At first I thought you were going for present but kept accidently slipping into past but after reading the whole thing I think it's the opposite? Either tense is fine as long as it's consistent.

The prose itself is... fine. It got clunky and repetitive in spots but I could tell it started to flow better the deeper into the story I got. I would focus on picking out repetitive words/phrases and trying to replace them with something more exciting.

You do a lot of telling with a little bit of showing mixed in. Readers don't want to be told by an mc that they're dealing with trauma, they want to see how that manifests in the mc's mind and actions. If you've dealt with trauma (speaking as someone who has dealt with trauma) you don't look in the mirror and think "Hey look at me I'm dealing with my trauma". You think about how proud you are for going on a date, how maybe that date physically drained you, how maybe something about the way the date smelled reminded you of the person who caused your trauma. I think a good rule of thumb when trying to show vs tell an emotion is to not actually say that emotion. You don't want the mc to say I'm tired. You want to show them yawning and forcing their eyes open and being forgetful because they're tired. Same goes for things like trauma/anxiety. You don't want the mc to say they're dealing with trauma you want to show how they're dealing with that trauma.

Story:

There's definitely a lot to unpack here with the mc and I love that. I think your story starts in the perfect place, the inciting incident happens immediately and is obviously going to be followed by a lot of fallout that I'm excited to learn more about. Your mc is clearly dealing with past trauma and misconceptions which makes for a really deep and interesting character with a lot of room for change. From the first chapter I can tell this is going to be a story worth reading.

Plot/pacing:

I realize it's a little hard to judge pacing on one chapter but it felt a little rushed to me. I like that your inciting incident happens early on but we go from being nervous about a date to that date being a walking red flag to that date being kinda awkward and okay to realizing your overcoming trauma to getting assaulted pretty quickly. The date itself lasts what has to be maybe five minutes? I realize he was late but they exchanged a couple sentences and then the mc got up to go. I want to see some of that normalcy she talked about in the bathroom on the date. Maybe have them share a couple laughs.

It also felt a little weird to me that Josh got so upset about thinking she had left when she said she was about to leave. I get that creeps are gonna creep but it might help if you just don't have her planning on leaving when she goes to the bathroom so he thinks she ditched him in the middle of the date instead.

As far as the assault scene itself, I was a little confused by the fading to light. I'm assuming it was her body shutting down in defense but was she going back to a previous assault or was she just spacing out?

bartosioOP•4 yr. ago

Wow thank you for those thoughts, especially since you managed to give me fresh critique on top of what was already said. I appreciate you moving past the grammar and critiquing the plot, since I only got passing thoughts on that. Lots to work on, thank you for your time!

[deleted]•4 yr. ago

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