Source
r/OCPoetry•
peanutist

Notes from a starving person, starving for sadness.

Poem

They say that the poet must interpret his surroundings and turn them into words.

If that's true, I'm the worst poet in the world.

But why does it matter? Such a word only has a meaning if I want to.

I try to spill my feelings on the paper, but I don't even have anything to spill.

…

Ironically, the only thing I feel is nothing.

Non-ironically, the thing I want to feel the most is sadness.

I've become a kind of mental masochist, who hurts himself for pleasure.

Do I do this because sadness is the only emotion I can feel?

…

I remember to this day, the feeling of being wrapped in tears, of being desperate.

Of not being able to breathe, of feeling like your life is hanging by a thread.

Nothing compares to that adrenaline rush.

Maybe just the feeling of looking at the floor from my window high up in the sky, and thinking how everything would work out if I dropped all my weight to the side, makes it worth it.

…

But that's a story for another poem.

Because the point of this one is sadness, and you can't be sad when you're dead.

1

2

Thanks for reading.

Posted Mar 22, 2022, 1:21 PM UTC

2213
dollymithril•

I relate to this so heavily. That lust for creative expression without emotional inspiration is hell.

2
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1
JohnTightor•

I have nothing to say besides that I resonate with this

1
peanutistOP•

It’s more than enough, thanks for reading.

1
Felouria•

Very solid poem. What I get from this is that this person wants to be sad to write poems, but also they want to be sad because it is the only emotion they can feel.

This next interpretation might be a reach, but I want to draw from my own experience what I feel about this poem. I feel that is could be about depression, in that someone in depression cycles between feeling sad and feeling nothing. Because depression is about this mental black whole, this blockage, in your head that prevents you from feeling anything. And thus you mostly feel nothing, but sometimes the sadness crawls through. And somehow you find you welcome it, because as you say, sadness is the only emotion you feel, and also because it gives you inspiration to write.

Great poem. I'd say don't change anything, maybe add a little more though.

1
peanutistOP•

You hit the nail on the head with your interpretation. I wrote this on one of those moments sadness crawled through, so I guess that helped convey the emotion. Thanks so much for your analysis, it means a lot.

2
magicweasel7•

I can relate. For a good part of college I wasn't sad, I was just kind of neutral all the time. Just floating as life passed me by.

The love of my life just left me, and I am scared of reverting

I started writing poems as a means of coping with my sadness post breakup. I hope someday to also write about happy things as even with my ex gone, there is still so much in the world to make me happy.

1
peanutistOP•

And I can relate with what you wrote right now. I'm dealing with 2 breakups right now (I know, I shouldn’t have entered another relationship while broken inside, but I was stupid and desperate) and combining that with my ocd and depression, it really makes every single day pure hell for me. I’ve found writing poems a way for me to at least express what I feel, since my friends don’t really care about me venting. Thanks for reading.

2
magicweasel7•

That sucks you don't have more supportive friends. Mine have been my rock and helped tremendously with processing my feelings. Have you seen a therapist?

1
peanutistOP•

I have, but I don’t feel like she understands it. I’ve told her I have no will of doing anything at all, and she told me “well do you want to stay like this?” and when I said I don’t even have the will to want to change she said “then you’re going to stay like this”, like I didn’t knew that already. My only hope is the new meds that I’m taking, which should start kicking in in a few days.

1
magicweasel7•

If you make effort things will get better. Even without meds. It won't happen right away, but slowly, things will get a little less bad. Its work, it sucks, but it is rewarding when you are no longer being hit by these awful feelings.

1
ISumer•

My poetry preferences are a bit different, so I won't say too much here, since I don't want to make a sad person sadder.

I guess you do have the passion and emotion in you to then channel into poetry, which is good.

One comment I have is that you might want to use less cliches: "life hanging by a thread", "adrenaline rush" etc. I feel they're just overused phrases that don't mean much anymore, and don't really evoke the images that they once would have.

1
peanutistOP•

I’ll look into that, thanks for your feedback.

1