Weird. I'd've thought my DMs would be accessible...

Anyway: >!This story's based fully on a video game by the same name, so I wanted to keep things present tense so the reader (or player, in the game's case) sees things when the boy does. At the same time, I didn't want to do a directly first-person POV (the game's from a third-person view, and I watched a full video to write it. This likely influenced what I settled on). I wanted to keep the action current, because I think it's be difficult to write this using only vague descriptions *just* to keep with the detail that this all in the past, when that isn't even brought up until the game's end.!<

No, it's not nit-picky at all. Seeing that it's a reminiscence explained why I had a kind of dissonance reading it.

Hi! For some reason, it won't allow me to send you a DM.  I did have a quick clarifying question re: narration: >! If the narrator is the boy recounting the story, wouldn't it make more sense to write the story in the past tense? Additionally, there are elements of the boys actions ("eyes widening in equal parts confusion and awe" "his dark eyes scan over this mythical creature") that evoke the sense that the narrator is watching the boy rather than remembering himself or his own actions (would someone really recall their own eyes "widening" or "scanning"?).  This is a very nitpicky point, so feel free to ignore!!<

Hey, thanks for taking the time to write such a detailed critique! I appreciate it :)

On the topic of narration specifically, just to clarify: (spoilers) >!The narrator is the boy himself, all grown up after many years. He's recounting this tale of his encounter with a Trico to a group of kids.!< 

While they weren't a deliberate style choice, I think the exclamations work out given context.

Description-wise... Yeah, that's on me. I'll admit this type of thing wasn't on my mind when I was writing, so there's definitely work I could do here.

Anyway, thanks again for the review. If you wanna continue to chat, my DMs are always open :p

Hi! Thank you for sharing your story! Below, please find some thoughts/comments/suggestions – let me know if I can provide any clarification!

  
1.	**Perspective/Narration**  
I struggled with the narration here.  I think that the choice of third person was good, as most fantasy/action stories require a fair bit of worldbuilding, and third person narratives make for more efficient world building.  However, it was difficult for me to enjoy the narration in the story because the use of questions from the narrator (“…but what could be so dangerous as to require such bindings in such a desolate place?” and “Is there something he has to do?”) as well as the frequent use of exclamation points during the action sequence suggests that the narrator is reacting to the events of the story at the same time that the reader is.   
I recognize that this may be a purposeful stylistic choice (perhaps the narrator is some deity/god that truly is entering the story at the same time as the reader).  I

GENERAL REMARKS


I didn’t love this story, not only because of the abundance of annoying exclamation marks (and I’m generally not against the use of those). I didn’t get immersed, the moments intended to peak my curiosity didn’t, I didn’t care much about the main character or his situation, I didn’t feel threatened by the beast, I didn’t crave an answer to those questions you posed throughout the text, I didn’t even feel provoked. It was just kind of dull to me.


TITLE


Another generic fantasy title that I don’t like. It did nothing to spark my interest or tell me anything about the story, apart from it being fantasy, which such a title would suggest. I don’t yet know how well the title fits the story but it wasn’t interesting to me. I googled the title before I read the other comments, as I was sure there are tons of works titled like this, and behold… it’s a video game. So you managed to combine my worst genres, fantasy and video game fan fic. As I’m not your target audience, just



Hi everyone! Trying again with this because my last attempt wasn't satisfactory critique-wise. Hopefully they're up to par this time :p

Any feedback, no matter how harsh, is appreciated, though I'm especially concerned with descriptions (too much? Too little?), and flow.

Link to story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/15ympikwBqykL30pElbkE-AQ7y0IKDXBCMEbyE5mYOzo/edit

Links to critiques: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tyomp8/907_untitled_urban_fantasy/i3twku1/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tx9jqk/1675_wrerravian_chapter_1/i3rwp7a/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/tzpv8n/636_dont_turn_around/i41tzxn/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3

[1273] Last Guardian Introduction