Ah, well that is great feedback in itself!

Yeah, the punchline of this story is that the protagonist never saw a moose at all -- her anxiety was just so high that she believed there was danger from nature when the only danger was that she might stir up problems where there were none. Sounds like I need to go back and ramp that up so it's clearer.

I had a writing teacher tell me that I have to trust my audience more and not hand-hold them, but I think maybe I went too far in the other direction, here!

Wait what? Lol. No! The thought never crossed my mind! I assumed the moose just went elsewhere and the Comcast guy happened to be there and was unknowingly close to being trampled.

Thank you for your feedback!  


It seems like the very end -- where it turns out there was never a moose, it was a Comcast employee -- wasn't obvious to you. Would you say that's correct? If so, I need to amp that up since it's a big part of the plot/change in the protagonist.

Hello! Thank you for your submission. Disclaimer: I know nothing and you're obviously a better writer than I am.

#**GENERAL IMPRESSION**

This became increasingly entertaining as it went along. Very slow and uninteresting to start, but I was laughing like once per page by the end. I think that means a lot of this could be cut from the front end, and the rest would lose nothing. I don't think I would have gotten to the end if I'd been reading organically, so I'm glad I saw it here and not elsewhere!

#**HOOK**

> When I was seven, a coyote attacked her while we were on a hike.

This, for me. Coyotes had been mentioned on the page previous, but they were dropped in the middle of a list of animals, in the middle of a stream-of-consciousness type of passage, and I didn't trust that it was going to go anywhere until the actual story began to unfold. This was also the first active scene, which helped get my attention. How fast can you get to this line? I think the general theme of the lines

lol to the stackoverflow comment. Apparently this MC is a little toooooo close to home if you got that she was an SE without me ever saying it.

Hmm. Personally I'm not opposed to the beginning you have there. It drew me in because I \*felt\* that. (Like I said, this fatigue is relatable, and enough to pique my interest, but not enough to keep it later when it feels like one of the only traits.) When I mentioned the start is slow, I mean after that. There are a lot of sentences that feel a little bit ramble-y. I think you can segue to the hike without telling us how long it takes to get there or talking about Africa. Something about how she'll take the threat of coyotes over the cold light of the laptop and sticky drudgery of trawling through stackoverflow. bam she's on the trail and we're thinking about coyotes already. I think just be tougher with each sentence. Your prose seems to flow naturally so I can understand why it's tempting to say more than you need to. But ask yourself with each sentence--does it move the story forward? Does it move the character further along her arc? Ideally, does it do both?

p.s. sorry about th

In terms of a better place to start, would you think that beginning with the hike itself would be better? I wrote it that way in one of my versions and it ended up not feeling quite balanced when the MC ends up on a bike path.

Hi there, this was an enjoyable read. Here are my thoughts.

**General impressions**

For the most part, I like the style. You have a decent turn of phrase and there were parts that were quite entertaining to read. I like the descriptions of nature, the backstory about Tally-Ho and the interactions our MC has with Trout. I think it's a bit meandering in terms of plot/story and all the real action is somewhat crowded at the end. The characters are a bit lacking, but I think this is all repairable.

**Characters**

I struggle a bit here.

*MC* - My first impression is that she is your typical burnt out, starbucks-drinking, Subaru-driving tech yuppie (side note--apparently a millennial yuppie is called a yuccie? that's what google says). Besides a couple references that make her sound older than 40, this first impression remains unchanged through the story. Cliche, generalized, unlayered, and rather boring. Moreover, she slightly alienates herself from the audience by remaining staunchly 

You’re welcome. :)

I’m sorry for the miscommunication. When I say fiction I mean stories that are generally grounded in reality but aren’t based on real stories. I’m pretty sure that’s how libraries and bookstores organize it, but I could be wrong.

I’m more into fantasy and sci-fi, and there are plenty of those stories here that draw me in. I, myself, am writing a fantasy story right now. Again, my apologizes for the confusion.

Thanks for the feedback!  


I am curious though. If you don't like to read fiction and you don't like to read nonfiction, what drew you to this subreddit? There ain't much else available...

# General Remarks

I don't really like to read nonfiction or fiction. The stories are often too grounded for me to read, and I usually absorb them through different types of media. However, your writing is very concise, and there was no point in the story where I wanted to stop reading it. You have a good sense of pace, and some of your jokes definitely landed with me.

# Mechanics

You're writing style is very simple. Nothing too purple or unnecessary. Sentences were very easy to read, and the story wasn't very hard to follow along. Idioms are used sparingly, but when they are they're usually funny or interesting. No egregious offense of the adverb abundance. The title is very fitting. We follow someone who has a fear of nature to some degree, and you show that through countless examples of wildlife harming humans and their domestic pets.

I do find the simple writing style and the lack of a general hook a turn off for me. This is not the story for me, but I commend you for not wastin

Thank you all for your attention! I just heard that this short story is in contention for a prize, so I'm removing it from the internet to ensure that I'm abiding by the rules of the committee. 

I appreciate every piece of feedback I was given.

Hi there! Thanks for submitting. First of all, I love a good nature-based story, I have a heeler, and I love CO. With that being said, I should absolutely love this story, but it really falls flat for me. 

**What I Liked**

I think you have a good premise. From what I can tell, this story is meant to be about a young woman overcoming her fear of nature. I like the setting and the characterization of the dog. 

**What Needs Work**

Unfortunately, I found this uninteresting. I feel like this story is all plot. I can't seem to find a theme or a "character issue" which leaves it feeling flat. To me, this story was just a girl walking a trail, describing what's happening to her, jumping back and forth from the past to the present. It lacks substance, and there are ways you can fix that. 

First, I want you to consider that a story, regardless of its length, isn't necessarily the plot, but about how the MC is affected by the plot, how it changes her and creates her into something new.  

Yo

Sorry to butt in but maybe this will help. It seems like you're sticking yourself with the structure of your original draft which is seat of your pants/discovery writing. It's okay to write a first draft to find your story but often editing requires a lot more than polishing the prose. Theory on story structure goes back to Aristotle find one that works for you and use it to find and reveal the story within your draft. I like Storygrid but it's alot if you haven't studied story much. A fun, easy starting point might be Save the Cat—it's meant for Hollywood movies which are easy to analize. Story Genuis might be more up your alley but may not be a good starting point.

I get it, I also like history and personal observations. They are stories, just a different kind people don't immediately recognize as such. If I knew you, and we were chatting somewhere, I'd love to hear these kinds of stories. They are personal, perhaps the most personal. They want to ask: do you see what i see? They're primarily about sharing. Which I do think is a valid form of storytelling.

But when it's someone you don't know, they're separated from that perspective and asking a different question: why are you telling me this and who are you to think this is important? It kind of sucks. It is less personal, more transactional even. But, you have to give to that question a bit or else they don't reciprocate.

As for exercises? I dunno. I'm a pretty imprecise person, but if I could come up with something, I'd say you should try to rewrite your story in as an outline to an essay. Your actual story doesn't need to resemble the essay, but it helps you develop a sense of the skeletal 

This was a very helpful critique, thanks!   


And I don't take the comments personally, at least not in a boo-hoo-how-dare-you way. Only in a I-wrote-this-so-I-personally-need-to-fix-it way.   


I think I have a lot of trouble with story and structure because the thing that makes me want to write has always been either personal observation or someone else's stories (history). So creating a plot to move a character forward in a specific way feels odd and manipulative. I'm not sure what exercises I can do to fix that. Any suggestions?

Which brings me to another point: why are these paragraphs organized in such a way? The idea of animals being dangerous doesn't need to be spread out throughout this way. You could easily bring these paragraphs together at the beginning and then continue onward with the physical action of the story, only sprinkling (not introducing whole stories with lots of detail) reminders of the danger nature poses. 

  
I think what I'm getting at (sorry about being obtuse) is that it feels like you have an issue grasping structure. You understand sentences and paragraphs, but you have trouble taking advantage of overarching plot structures so that you might utilize them for their maximum efficacy. There's an art to that as well. Like I said, these details are oriented in a kind of roundabout way that doesn't really speak to the necessity in accordance to the theme, or "punchline". As a reader, I ask myself, why am I spending so much time on this paragraph for a punchline? Why do I need to know th

So, from this piece alone, I get the feeling that you're a "sense" writer--in that you want people to get a "sense" of something. Which is great. It's something a lot of people skimp on. It means you can utilize details to suck the reader in and give a sense of authenticity. It's a valuable skill. In fact, your prose is pretty good. I'd say it's probably the best I've read on here (note, that I have not been on here too long and I'm just one person). I'd probably read this story just for the writing. It's acquainted with its material and environment. It's lean, but descriptive. It presents a narrator that invites the reader and takes a hands-off approach instead of jamming themselves into the action. This narrator (mostly) trusts me to make sense of what's going on. And I do love the "sense" of Colorado and dogs and walking paths and people you give us. I've been there a couple times myself. 

But here's the problem: it's all sense. The purpose is tacked on and that's clear. In another

**This is not meant as a critique for credit.** 

I found a lot of good elements to this story but I think they need to be woven into the narrative of the walk instead of just told to the reader. Also, I understood that there was no moose and was disappointed. I'd end it with her overcoming one of her fears and screaming at the Texan. 


Take us along for the hike and use description and action to convey her fear. You could start by giving the big picture of how the hike progresses as sections so we know how it's going to go. Ex. Up through a meadow, through a dense wood along a stream, up a steeper rocky section to the summit then back down. Then when things go off plan it seems more important also it will seem like an eight-mile hike which I didn't really get from this telling. As we move up the mountain she can be on the lookout for coyote tracks and then tell the story of the other dog. I'd weave in that she's got to be back to check in at work maybe some more about how she's afrai

It seems odd that she doesn’t seem to have any issue with Trout just following the guy when he goes to kill the moose.  It’s been made really apparent that she really loves her dog.  Why would she not try to stop him?  Also, he’s on a leash, isn’t he?    
  
Harumphs is another word I don’t know.  But honestly, I’m not going to look it up because I’m really trying to finish this crit before I have to leave for work.    
  
I’m not sure why the MC is so worried about this guy killing the moose.  If it’s not hunting season and he’s not licensed, yes that’s illegal.  But what does she care?  It’s him that will get in trouble.  Is it because she’s an animal lover?  Is she vegan?  Etc.    
  
And also why is he so intent on killing it?  I guess it doesn’t matter since at this point he only appears to be a side character.  But it seems like it’s a macho thing.  Like he wants to shoot it so he can go back home to Texas and tell all his buddies what a big badass he is.  That’s just my im

Thank you for the critique! I appreciate your compliments and where you called out something that didn't make sense to you.

Hi,  
So, my style of writing is really minimalistic.  So obviously my critiques are coming from that place.  I am all about saying what I want to say in as few words as possible.  I am also not a professional.  I’m just some rando on the internet.  So feel free to take whatever I say with a grain of salt.    
  
Commenting as I read:  
  
“Slack my boss I’m sick…”  This word choice really confused me.  Is slack being used as a verb?  I know what you mean just by context.  Well, I think I do.  I’m guessing the narrator is lying to their boss and saying they are sick to get out of work?  I’ve just never heard the term slack used that way.  I know there are some regional expressions that people from outside the region wouldn’t understand.  I’ve run into this myself with my own work.  Idk if that’s the case here.  I’m just speculating.    
  
I like the whole thing about being sick and tired.  Because exhaustion is a valid reason to miss work sometimes.  But society doesn’t see tha

You know what's funny -- even though I am a grammar snob, some of them actually worked quite well with the tone and pace of your writing. Very fun read! You should consider doing a New England themed piece next time you need inspiration!

Thanks! If you're up for some grammar-snob line edits, I'd love to have 'em!

Summary and Interpretation

Overall I thought the writing was written in a very relatable tone. Growing up in the woods of New England but not really buying into the burly nature of woodsmen myself, I felt I was often being placed into the main characters shoes. "He’s not well trained. My fault." The small quips like this that you throw in throughout your writing are refreshing. It keeps me on my toes as a reader and the hesitance in the main characters thoughts and voice always leave an air of uneasiness about what is about to happen from the beginning of the hike, to the moose, to what the hunter might pull. I'm always clambering through your lines eager to get to the next section to see what happens. The pacing gets much better once your intro and jumbled thoughts become more of a natural feel.

WWW - What Went Well

Love the humor that you exhibit throughout your writing. The connection that ties the whole story together is the jumbled and mismatched thoughts and lines that come ou

Hi everyone,

This is a fictional short story I've been working on for a few months and have re-written about 5 times in different voices.

Though I would love feedback on the title as well as the story itself, the title is not the one I plan to use. I've submitted this piece to a few places already and I changed the title so that it would be harder to find.

[Natural Fear](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1rZXkgyGAIKbDIrrrUbY7zlvfP3N3D4BUoolLwWLa6pg/edit?usp=sharing) (Google Doc for commenting)

Critiques :

[\[ 2885](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uv2go4/2885_patty_cook/i9l40a0/)[ \] Patty Cook](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uv2go4/2885_patty_cook/i9l40a0/)

[\[ 1579 \] Bird Cage](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uwsco2/1579_bird_cage/i9ueeit/)

[\[ 1586 \]  Destrudo](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uuuq1i/1586_destrudo/i9iibs3/)

[\[ 1335 \] The Breakfast Table](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/usj0hg/1335_the_breakfast_table_draft_two/i9dhjp0/)

[\[ 3203 \] To All the People You've Ever Loved](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uhzq2j/3203_to_all_the_people_youve_ever_loved/i8cherb/)

[2443] Natural Fear