Thank you for the insightful criticism. I'll deff be taking all this into consideration, as there are something I have heard before and some new things I haven't. ❤️❤️

GENERAL IDEA:
First off, there are a few things I enjoyed about this piece. For example, I think the setting itself is immersive and just really neat overall. I like the high energy of the marketplace, and the afternoon heat added a nice touch to your descriptions and to the vibe of the setting. Secondly, I like the narrative you have going with Izam and his relationship with the upper class people of the market. I think it gives us an introspective look at who Izam is as a character and adds more detail to the setting. With every interaction he has with the rich mother, I find myself really feeling bad for him because, at least in his first interaction. He was genuinely trying to do a good deed before being framed as a criminal by a well off adult. He even put himself between her and the beast to try to help her, only for her to think that he’s trying to rob her.
    I think that the story you have here so far is good. My main issue lies with your characters. Some of them are a bit bl

What do I like? Great visuals, well structured and developed.

Not like? Plot points have enough small spots that bug me. See below for my critique.

How is the pacing? Pretty solid pacing, honestly. I wouldn't do much to change it.

Pick up/slow down? Maybe slow down a tiny bit.

Draw you in? No, see notes where you lost me It completely disconnects me from the world and leaves me confused.

Believable Character? Customer is weak, main characters are strong. See general comment for where you lost me.

Alright, going to rate this off of the opening lines of the story. Based on those, I would say that I would probably read it. However, I am noticing that the second paragraph is really confusing. I get the feeling you are trying to get, but I feel that you are mixing ideas here and it should be two or three different paragraphs.

I think you are saying:

It is painfully hot.
People are very busy, despite the heat.
People NORMALLY have markets in the cool of night, but are scared of somet

Good point, I'll try to change the shapely thing just to avoid any more confusion. you're correct in that there are probably better words to use, so I'll look over it.

I'll look over the fight scene again, but from m understanding from the critiques I've had, they didn't think there was a problem with the fight scene's pacing. I personally don't think so, but I'm just the writer and I should try to accommodate it to my readers as well. 

Thanks for the insight.

Absolutely! I'm not an expert myself, so only take the parts of what I have to say that you feel has value.

>The fact that 'shapely' was what threw you off is a little odd, considering shapely just means to have a pleasant shape.

Right - I guess I'm not sure what that means for a 12 year old boy. What about Arcangelo's 'shape' would be so dazzling that the boy is so captivated by him? Why would he care about the 'shape' of an adult? I think maybe you could fix this by being more specific? Like maybe he's impressed by how muscular the guy is, and he wonders what kind of life he must lead to be so strong, something like that. Just saying "I'm pleased by the shape of his body" to me does come across as something impliedly sexual, even if there are other innocent explanations. Since you want readers to not infer something that nefarious, maybe making the explanation more explicitly platonic would be beneficial. 

Edit: I just want to point out your words here:

>Dazzled by the man’s natu

Hey,

So I read over a lot of your comments, and I do agree with a good number of them. I don't expect people to take things lightly here, as that is what the point of the subreddit is (I think, I'm fairly new here). While I did agree with some of your critiques in the google docs, there were a handful that didn't make sense to me.

For starters, the technical problems that arose, like quotes of Izam talking to himself, or over extended prose are dealt with and hopefully not an issue. In certain place, you are correct, they were absolutely redundant and a fresh pair of eyes would have been the only ones to pick it up. I do thank you for that as it allowed me to be more creative and concise in my story telling.

The point you brought up about the conversations being 'disjointed' is an interesting one considering they do play off of each other. In the conversation between the brother and the customer, it seems pretty obvious why someone who stands out from the crowd might need to explain

This isn't for credit, and I left most comments on the doc itself. I'm just going to make some quick final thoughts comments.

Your prose is far too dense. Personally, I think good writing comes from efficiency. If you take four sentences to say something that can be done in three words, I don't think it's good writing. Or, at least, you better have a good reason for breaking that rule.

You tend to repeat concepts throughout the whole story. As an oversimplified example, it reads like: "His eyes twisted in fury. "I hate you!" he screamed. His hatred was unbridled." You're basically just finding different ways to communicate the same message over and over and it makes the pacing of your story really slow. I think you need to dedicate an entire edit to going through and asking yourself at each clause if it's necessary, if you're repeating a concept, or if there's a way to say it more simply.

The dialogue was difficult to take seriously. Most of the time it felt like the dialogue was de

I do appreciate the critique. As I mentioned in another reply, but I will reiterate, a lot of the issues that you saw have either been remedied, or there are other reasons behind it that are beyond what's written. This is the first chapter after all, and not everything can be said.

Things like weird phrasing and conversations have been tweaked in my revision to make it sound better and make more sense. 

Thank you for your time that you took to read my chapter, and I will definitely look even harder at my manuscript so see if such points pop up more.

Hey again, 

Reading more into your points, and it's very evident (and in by no means your fault) that you view this one chapter as a panacea for all the questions. Just like in a lot of books, not all the plot points can be explained in a chapter, especially in a middle grade book.

Things like the mother being strong purely because she is healthy is an inference you make about rich people. Or that the stranger is an evil guy is also a leap to make in just one chapter. In a fantasy novel, it's not bizarre in the slightest that a mysterious stranger has powers for beyond the main characters understanding.

Most of the points that did stick for me (like talking outloud or dragging the mom) have been revised as, you are correct that, it doesn't sound right. As I said before, you and another commentor shared some similarities in your criticisms that I have rectified. Thank you for you needed insight though.

However things like upping the mc age when there's no real reason to do so or not

How is he dragging the mom? It seems like he's weak based off your description of him and the fact that he's poor. The mom likely isn't letting him pull her so he must be stronger than her.

breakneck speed? Could just be me but I have no clue what breakneck means, I would recommend using another word to show that the monster is quick.

Why does Izam care that the monster is going to take the necklace? Does he still think that he can steal if from her? Also I'm assuming that the mom can't see the monster, and that it might have something to do with the necklace.

Missing the mark sounds strange in my opinion I would rephrase it and just say that he missed or something like that.

How weak is the mom? Since she's rich it seems like she would be healthy.

Izam, a kid, is strong enough to tie up a monster's wrists? I recommend turning him into an adult or a teenager atleast.

Why does he talk outloud to himself? 

Izam was overpowered but managed to spin the monster around? How was he ove

I like that the first sentence helps us understand the mc quickly and early on how he's like, though like someone else already said I do think that you could cut things down.

I like how when you mention that his hair is tied back is give a reason for it, that it's so there's not alot of weight on his face.

I think that the market place bustling at usual could be cut out since if the mc is going to steal from someone there and it's a marketplace the reader can already infer that there's alot of people there.

I like how the beads of sweet on the merchant is cooling them down a bit, though i think it's a bit unrealistic, and it's a good way to show how hot it is. Hopefully that has something to do with the setting and isn't a useless detail that it's hot, I'm still reading it so I'm not sure.

The buyers and sellers pacing up and down the street part could be cut also since we already know it's a market place and that it's bustling so it's obvious that's what buyers and sellers are doi

**First chapter link:** [https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tqbL1qcusAktr5A8HGb6Y2IRu4nbRr6pSdboRg7QPPI/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1tqbL1qcusAktr5A8HGb6Y2IRu4nbRr6pSdboRg7QPPI/edit?usp=sharing)

This is the first chapter of magical school story set in a different world. The main character, Izam, is thrust into another world full of mythical creatures and wonderful powers. Taught in the magical Institute, he makes friends and enemies with the people in his grade, enrolls in classes filled with magical feats and elixirs all while trying to figure out the book's big bad and carving out his place in the world.

**Feedback:** Some of the feedback questions I would appreciate answered are:

What did you like? What did you NOT like? How was the pacing of the story, and where would you think I should pick up/slow down? Does the story draw you in? Are the characters believable in the chapter? Is there any other general feedback you have?

my crits so far:

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[\[1012\] Cinderella Rewrite](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/v7gohw/comment/iblpx9m/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[\[1615\] A Torn Sky (chapter one)](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/v1zt5a/comment/iblvbn0/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[3283] Anima: Secret in the Sealed Savannah, Chapter 1