Oh agreed, to me worldbuilding is like seasoning. Adds flavor but it isn't the meat of the story. Luckily I haven't been building this world in my head for much time (I almost wish I was bc it is a struggle sometimes) 🙃

For what it's worth, I wholeheartedly appreciate fantasy and sci-fi that lets me explore the world, rather than info dumping on me (which I think most writers start doing when they've been world building in their head for years). I like clues a lot more than a gigantic history of what has led us to the point where the story starts. I think you're trusting your reader in this draft, and that's a huge step.

hey, thank you so much! I definitely see what you're saying with the focus at the onset. Same with the judgement inconsistencies. And I will be the first to admit that painting a setting and vivid description are not my strengths. 😅

I appreciate your comments on the document and this feedback, all very helpful!

This was great. It starts at an obvious turning point in Esanatwa's understanding of her own abilities as well as when she realizes that those abilities might open the door to something she never expected.   


I was pulled in immediately; the first line is an excellent hook. I also think you managed to portray the external and internal tensions well. The pacing moved at a quick clip while still conveying Esanatwa's struggles. I would definitely keep reading.  


My main criticism of the opening is that because we focus on the mother and dead son for the first beat, Esanatwa's presence comes as a surprise when she first speaks. Her gender also came as a surprise. Since she's referred to with her full name for most of the first page, I couldn't picture her. If you can give us just one more sentence in the second paragraph of the setting, it would settle readers into the action and allow us to picture everything just a little better.   


That brings me to the overall setting. I only rea

> What happened to old Mel I really liked him.

God. That was two whole manuscripts ago. I thought your username looked familiar! You're the person who first introduced me to the term "passive voice"! I'm forever in your debt. Mel and the gang went to book heaven. The priestess' name was many things, so who knows? Lol.

>  I don't mind if you dislike her, but I hope that she is at least a little bit interesting.

She's definitely interesting! It's just a me thing; I do enjoy anti-heroes and growth arcs but I want my MCs to eventually become lovable. 

> lean into these characteristics? Would that make her feel more engaging to you?

Yes, definitely. And I'd be up to reading more, knowing she's not the main focus.

hey hey, I remember you from a year ago--I read a bunch of your story. Curje the planet and Mel(?). What happened to old Mel I really liked him.

Thank you so much for this, it's a great critique and you brought up a lot of things I hadn't thought of. Thanks also for the comments on the doc.

It seems like your biggest issue is Esanatwa, so I'll address that first. Yes, it is not my intention for her to be sympathetic at all. She's cold and disdainful and maybe somewhat mad and a little bit power-hungry. That's the goal at least. I don't mind if you dislike her, but I hope that she is at least a little bit interesting. She isn't the MC of the entire thing, I only have a few little interludes of her story sprinkled in to show the brewing of something until an ultimate clash. Given that, it seems like you're saying I should lean into these characteristics? Would that make her feel more engaging to you? 

I see the inconsistencies in her narration and I appreciate you pointing those out.


Obviously none of that is an issue if that's the characterization you're going for. If it is, though, I think I'd like that to be made more clear with a more overt thought process in that direction. Right now I could see these characteristics being things I picked up in lieu of anything else to pick up instead. Like are the lines about her empathy just missing? Should the descriptions of the boy have more of her own voice in them, to make her appear sympathetic? Just some thoughts.

So because of the way she's characterized in the first two pages, I read her actions in the third page (straining, gritted teeth, she's really trying) to be more about her trying to prove to herself she can do this, than about any concern for the boy. Reinforced with her questions to him (Tell me of Abet, boy) after he wakes.

I forgot to note Esanatwa's thought: *Dead is dead.* But she knows better. Between Neti's heart stopping for a full minute and her own suspicions about her capability, this doesn't se

#**GENERAL IMPRESSION**

An easy read! Didn't have to force myself to finish it. I think it's an interesting first chapter and a good choice of a first scene. Hints of a neat setting and religion. Unsure about the plot. A bit underwhelmed by the characters. I think the prose is good but could be a lot better with like, minimal work? Big disclaimer: I know nothing.

#**HOOK**

> The boy was dead and his mother was a fool.

Great hook! Interesting subject matter that made me immediately ask questions: why is he dead, why is the mother a fool? Is this the mother's POV and she's thinking that about herself? Otherwise, who? Hints of a voice. High expectations for the rest of the chapter. 

The rest of the chapter kept my interest; there were no large sections where my attention drifted or that I felt held no value.

#**EXPOSITION**

This is going to be opinion-heavy because I don't have a problem being confused in the beginning of a story as long as the story itself is interesting. I'd rath

Hey, thank you for the critique, your thoughts are most appreciated (especially as a fellow fantasy-enjoyer:)). The prose certainly still needs some cleanup but I've had my nose in this for so long I'm blind to it at this point haha. Your pointers have given me some great direction.

You critiques helped my drafts immensely, so you *bet my god damn ass* I'm going to help out with yours. I'm not nearly as good as a critic as thou art, but I'll give it my best!

# General Remarks

This was a very compelling read. Your prose is very articulate and vivid. Esanatwa's goal, methods, and the consequences she causes are extremely interesting. Very good start to a story, and I'm excited to read more.

# Mechanics

Not a very conventional introduction. The story starts of introducing a dead boy and someone thinking his mother is a fool.  An immediate grab for the reader. I think the way you introduce Esanatwa starts off a little awkward. She calls the mother an idiot, and it's kind of odd. You do explain that she let her son fall of a cliff, but I this information could've been pushed a little further ahead.

Your prose has a good balance of colorful and practical. Not much was hard to decipher reading through, but you definitely use a lot of artistic choices that definitely

Hey, thank you for your critique!  
I like your note about how op the power is--because you're exactly right! It does break the economy :)

Your insight into the MC is correct and I appreciate your interpretation of her. Thanks for your kind words.

Cheers

Please take my advice with a grain of salt 

Hook 

So I've been using the advice that the hook should show the MC's internal conflict, but the first few paragraphs did not do that. However, it was still good. So thinking about what made it good, I could identify a few things. I liked the very first sentence "The boy was dead and his mother was a fool." I think it characterizes the MC well, showing that she's a bit cold-hearted and judgmental. I also think the sentence is just interesting on its own, which always helps. The first time I read that sentence, I was a bit disoriented because I thought Esanatwa was the dead boy's name, so I was wondering if this is a dead person's POV. But on a reread, the line hits well. Also, I think you used the advice of "start in the middle of the action" well, considering the text starts hard with a dead boy, and how you described his corpse. 

Setting

Now I do not know if the setting is important since I don't know where your story is going to be se

You have the makings of a seriously entertaining book. Keep it up, I know you can do it 😉

Thank you for this feedback! I think the overall consensus was that the beginning paragraphs were disorienting--there was a lot of confusion over who is the boy and the mother and who is Esanatwa, but I think I've managed to work that out with a revision.

I appreciate the other thoughts, they are all helpful in gauging what works and what doesn't.

Cheers :)

Hey ! So I just finished reading your chapter and here are some things that I had noticed.

**STORY**

To start with, I want to say you have a very interesting premise. While reading the chapter, I got the vibe that the setting takes places either in an ancient Egyptian or Mayan society, a place not written about to often and I appreciate a different take on mythology. The first paragraph is gripping enough where you want to figure out what is happening. The idea of Esanatwa questioning the foundations of her healing abilities (being able to bring someone back to life) is an interesting start to a novel.'

I was however, thrown off just as immediately when the healer's name came up. The scene went from two to three with no real distinction:

	*“How long?” Esanatwa asked his idiot mother.* 

I'm not sure if this meant the mother was belonging to Esanatwa or the dead kid, I feel like a better distinction like (“*How long?” Esanatwa asked the dead boy's idiot mother."* Would have made a b

Hi, I would love some feedback on the first chapter of a book I wrote.

I've finished major revisions and I'm in cleanup/line-edit mode, so I'm open to all feedback from story content down to prose and grammar. I'm hoping this chapter will serve as a sort of prologue and I'm wondering if it is engaging and if it makes you want more. Thanks!

[[1615] A Torn Sky (chapter one)](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1j1uVeXtZDkKpoYplTk2WyI_ErtWXvEfoaqdhvbaeGNw/edit?usp=sharing)

[Read Only version](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1Ess97DbX_O2sryYDg1aIWEXEPrsLzxi6hAbeLj9NCOE/edit?usp=sharing)

My crits:
[[3866] Forged for War 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uzzkh0/3866_forged_for_war_meant_for_more_chapter_1/iambn42/?context=3)
[[3045] Hide and Seek](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uxmcct/3045_hide_and_seek/ia4w0es/?context=3)
[[3827] Forged for War 1](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uylrq9/3827_forged_for_war_meant_for_more_chapter_1/ia5qicp/?context=3)
[[2443] Natural Fear](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uxltms/2443_natural_fear/i9zt4tp/?context=3)
[[2881] Temple of Redemption](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uwzum6/2881_temple_of_redemption/i9w0963/?context=3)
[[2787] A Sister's Storm](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uwl4wm/2787_a_sisters_storm/i9vf8os/?context=3)