>I really want OP to just lean into making their protagonist a himbo.

That's the word! I was picturing Johnny Bravo reading his Instagram sentence. Agree 100% on the direction you describe.

>>Time for instagram. I follow a bunch of hotties that post daily.

>This is dumb but in a funny way. I would develop this voice further.

I had the exact same thought. I really want OP to just lean into making their protagonist a himbo. I think there'd be a relatively funny story in there about a total dolt of a guy stumbling his way through trying to get rich quick at crypto but never actually succeeding at it. Like *Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead* for Bitcoin.

Hey! You write that you're fairly new to fiction writing. This shows. I will offer some feedback as requested, but at this stage I think the easiest way to improve is to just look at how other people write and do some critiquing yourself to force you to think about it.

You will improve fast from this point, that's the good news. The bad news is that this submission is awful. I'm not going to mention even half of what should be looked at, just the stuff I think is the most important to improve.

You start by setting the scene and you do so by describing sensory information. The heat, the trash and so on. A story has to start some way, right? Lots of newer writers default to visual descriptions. The problem is that in this case at least, what you describe in the opening paragraph is irrelevant to the story and not interesting in and of itself. Try to start the story as "late" as possible. Meaning as close to whatever interesting thing is going to happen as possible.

I'd also advise you

# Part 2

This part is the meat and potatoes of the critique.

**Uninteresting Protagonist/Flat Characters**

Stories are often character driven. Moreover, characters are desire driven. Reading your story, I have no idea what your main character (MC) wants. Sure, there's a bit about getting rich with cryptocurrency, but that's buried in a bunch of detritus ranging from what the MC thinks of Lisa, what he thinks about cars, girls, etc. etc. etc. There is no focus here.

Because of an "unfocused" MC, your character is boring. Here are some things that will help alleviate this:

* **Think of a backstory for your character**. It doesn't have be mentioned in full detail throughout your story, though you can refer to it briefly from time to time. Why is he working at Panera bread? What is his past history with Lisa?
   * Robert Straczynski, in his book [Become a Writer, Stay a Writer](https://www.amazon.ca/Together-We-Will-Go/dp/B08MV8ZZHS/ref=sr_1_3?crid=2UDXPMO3FNUBR&keywords=straczynski&q

**EDIT: See Dialogue Mechanics and Punctuation**

Hi there, thanks for your submission. I'll point out some pros and cons in your work, providing examples and possible re-writes.

**Pros:**

* Avoided white room syndrome via description of the setting

**Cons:**

* Sentence flow
* Dialogue mechanics and punctuation
* Past vs Present Tense
* Uninteresting Protagonist/Flat Characters
* No overall story direction/disconnected title

Let's begin.

# Part 1

# Pros:

**Avoided White Room Syndrome**

A common error most beginners make is to leave out the setting. You avoided this in your opening paragraph by describing the temperature and the scenery; notably, you used more than one sensory description (sight and thermoception). This is a good start because using multiple senses gives the reader a richer experience of the setting.

# Cons:

**Sentence Flow**

Let's take a look at your opening paragraph.

>Damn it’s hot out. There’s random trash scattered. Some grass emerges out of a crack in

# Overall Impression

I have to admit, I found this story kind of hilarious. And I don't mean offense but in a "so bad it's almost good" way too. The premise of some bumbling, cynical, idiot-savant MC who finds solace in slicing artisanal breads at Panera, dealing with his "normie" coworkers, incompetent boss, and out-of-touch parents while hoping to strike it rich with a crypto pipedream has potential as a comedy if you choose to play up that angle which I actually don't know if you intended or not but there are hints of it. I think it’s your biggest strength as a beginner writer.

George, your MC, has a distinct voice in the way he perceives the world you can further emphasize to bring out the more humorous elements of your story.

Here are some examples of lines I liked/found funny for whatever reason:  
\- “I liked slicing bread…”   
\- “I liked calling my boss “boss”. Not sure why.”   
\- “That guy can be so clutch sometimes…”   
\- “He liked making his little speeches…”   
\-  “Y

Hi KooKoo,

I'm going to try to avoid repeating many of other's critiques. As a starting point for future improvement, what do you like to read? Find out what your literary preferences are and then read *everything* in that genre/medium/tone and I'm sure you'll learn more than any reddit feedback can give you. The reason I say this is because it's evident here that you haven't quite mastered the basics of prose (and no one who is new to writing would have, either, so don't stress about that). I didn't start to improve beyond the earliest level of skill until I made a point to read for pleasure, often and always. Take note of things like prose mechanics - how does your favourite writer indicate speech tags? How long are their chapters/paragraphs? How do they introduce a character? Do they write in first person, third person perspective, etc?  Then ask the same questions of your second favourite writer, and so and so forth. 

**Mechanics/grammar/prose**

You switch between present and pa

Hey all. Doing a fiction bootcamp and my novel or novella is coming out :) Definitely not dont but I'd like some initial feedback. I'm fairly new to fiction writing.

[https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lje8pgt\_j6Mhfb38rf-ThVqKCU51aGy6zCy14\_4TzqQ/edit?usp=sharing](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1lje8pgt_j6Mhfb38rf-ThVqKCU51aGy6zCy14_4TzqQ/edit?usp=sharing)

Critiques:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uqigj4/892\_pasteurized/i96iol4/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/uqigj4/892_pasteurized/i96iol4/?context=3) \[892\]

[https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/ujq11m/1176\_project\_bluebird/i7qqd9t/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/ujq11m/1176_project_bluebird/i7qqd9t/?context=3) \[1176\]

[https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/ugr12s/700\_the\_first\_date\_short\_story/i75g2ce/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/ugr12s/700_the_first_date_short_story/i75g2ce/?context=3) \[700\]

cryptobro [1096]