Marriage has clogged the toilet; soon to go down all the way. HELP!
Hey reddit. Long time redditor here, using my gonewild throwaway. I am losing my marriage with the wife and need some serious support or suggestions please. I've seen you guys do some amazing things, lets hope it extends to stuff like this.
Some information. I've been married to my wife since 2008. We've been together for a few years more than that. We have a daughter, 3, and live together in an apartment. Note: we have 3 cats.
Neither of us are happy in this relationship. We have not been for a long time. Last night we had quite the argument and more or less agreed on divorce. It was quite heated (never physical of course), lots of emotion, we both ended up going to bed crying and both got little to no sleep.
Her backstory (age early 30's): Had an extremely traumatic upbringing. Abused, treated like shit, the whole package. Brother died in his early 20's and it totally ruined her family. Mine (age 30): Alcoholic parent, more-or-less regular unexciting upbringing. too many video games and too few female interactions.
I have been a pretty terrible husband to date. (just so you're informed: I have never and will never physically harm her. Fuck that shit). I am lazy, self-centered and taken her for granted. I did not fully realize this until lastnight. Until she said we're through, finished. She has certainly told me these things before in our previous arguments and fights. In all the years, we've probably only had like half a dozen or so. But yeah, she's certainly told me these things before. I've been a brick wall though. She was pleading with me, letting me know exactly what was bothering her and I stupidly took it as a personal attack and never took it to heart. I turned around and hurled gripes and complaints back at her, which just made things worse.
Anyway, I think I've had an epiphany. Lastnight during my hour long bawling in to the couch session (I never cry unless angry; this was full out hardcore crying - which I haven't done in 15+ years) I came to the realization that I was seriously about to lose my wife, and full time access to my daughter. Perhaps I never took our previous problems as a sign of that happen seriously. I don't know. All I could think of was being alone. My wife, is going to, leave me. Know what? it's totally my fault too. I've never looked at our situation in this light before. I have been so stupid. Only now, now that it's seemingly too late, I have found the courage/desire/motivation to respond properly. I need to change my lifestyle. I need to stop. I need to make (healthy) changes with my habits. I need to actually treat her with respect and care. I don't want her to be miserable. I don't want to be miserable.
Why have I been miserable? I get little-to-none physical attention. Not only with something as simple as hugging, but no sex either. She RARELY ever gets 'horny' to begin with, and when she does, she doesn't want to sex it up with me. I don't blame her. I've been beliving its all related to her past, like a fool. She doesn't find me attractive (told me directly, I'm almost 300lbs) anymore. Why would she? I have moobs. Meanwhile she has been KICKING ASS with weight loss, hitting the gym.
We've been going to couples counseling hey. We've been to 3 sessions and it was pretty easily identified that she was holy-shit depressed and unhappy. The therapist made it clear that I need to step up. We identified one specific issue; my taking our kid more and doing more things with her, giving the wife some time-off (she works from home). I've done this. It feels awesome actually, I love my baby girl so much. That is all I've done though. I still throw my clothing on the floor, I still rarely lift a finger around the house, I'm still a dick. I get this now! Oh man, do I ever. I spent hours lastnight thinking about this, and how I've totally fucked up. Actually gave myself a migraine from it.
- my problem is this; how do I proceed now?
She is pretty pissed off with me right now and doesn't appear to want to continue being married. It is only at this point in our relationship that I know what must be done to fix whats wrong. I haven't told her the above yet as I woke up and came to work today. Should i link her to this post? Should I drop to one knee and beg her to give me another chance? I am being entirely sincere here. We've been through so much together, I don't want to lose her, or my daughter. I will not fail if given the chance. I can't.
Help! Thank you.
Edit - TLDR; I've been a pathetic husband, wife now wants divorce, I'm willing to step up and be a man, would like some advice how to proceed with letting her know this
Update 1. June 23rd (evening of this posting).
We spoke when I got home. As soon as I got in the door. Actually it was pretty inconvenient for us both, as our father in law was due to drop by in like 5 minutes, but I had to open up. I let her know everything I've posted about here. I do NOT expect a 24-hour turn around, but to just understand how sorry I was and that I will be stepping up and giving her the credit, treatment and support she deserves. I specifically apologized for calling her a bad mother in a previous argument. This meant a lot to me, to get it off my chest. I so, SO do not think for a second she is a bad mother. I don't remember my mindset at the time, but I think I was just trying to be an asshole. #noexcuses. She was pleading with me at the time to take more of an interest in our daughter, which I took in as YOU'RE A BAD FATHER BLAH BLAH YOU SUCK. Anyway, I think she believes me, that I'm speaking from the heart and my sincerity is genuine. Time will tell.
Update 2. Spoke of this posting and showed it to the wife. She responded here.
I HAVE ANOTHER QUESTION - please see here: http://askdrlove.com/content/man-who-gropes-and-fondles-his-wife-while-hes-asleep - this is happening with us.
TLDR; I try to ram my fingers in her vagina while she sleeps. I posted this in r/Sex.
Posted Jun 23, 2012, 5:28 PM UTC · edited