Hey, I totally see your point on the first stanza! I could see how it would be more ease on the reader to separate them, and I think I will! 

The poem is about a one sided relationship, where despite their best efforts the one giving warmth is constantly let down and hurt, while the unresponsive side plays the victim. It could also be from an abusive perspective though, I definitely see it! That’s what I like about poetry, you can read it from many perspectives.

The last part you mention of the disruptions- I intentionally sought to use as many synonyms for inconvenient as possible. Trying to convey how the relationship is nothing but an inconvience to the ””victim”” while they do nothing to change. 

If you have any ideas about changing it, now that you know, let me know! Thank you otherwise for the feedback and I’d love to hear it on my other work too ♥️

Hello! I like the content of this poem the running theme of temperatures and changing temperatures makes me interpret the poem to be about a relationship with someone that is controlling, domineering and tumultuous. It reminds me of how it feels to be in a relationship without clear emotional boundaries, whether by mistake or through blatant and obvious abusive behaviour. I think this is a fantastic idea for a poem and I think there are a few ways it could be executed better. 

Firstly I think there is opportunity to leave more breathing room between the lines/visual images. For example in the first stanza: 

*Cradled your heart above open fire*  
*it froze the flames*  
*ones I fueled with sun rays*  
*my tears formed icebergs*  
*body, a glazier*

I think it would make more sense structure something like this:

'*Cradled your heart above open fire*

*one I fueled with sun rays*

*it froze the flames'*

This way it makes it clear that the flames were fueled by sun rays (what I imagine


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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Hey, thanks for the feedback! I personally think the poem you tweaked into, is not the same one, though its good and used my words (which is funny, in hindsight).

I responded to the comment above about my reasoning with my word usage, but I think what makes it harder for readers is my non-nativeness to english and with it, poetic standards in english. 

Still, thank you for taking the time to give me feedback ♥️

Hi there. Forgive me if I repeat something similar to the previous comment. The poem is good there's a consistency with the temperatures, water, and burden. Also I enjoyed your strong closing lines, which I think sells the poem. However, some images need to be refined or removed. In the first stanza (which I find needs more work) the order of it hinders the impact of what you are saying I think. The tears being icebergs, I'm not sold on at all. I think the coldness of the heart that freezes flames is more than enough to link to the next stanza. I would quickly recommend:

>I fueled my fire with sun rays  
>  
>And cradled a heart upon it  
>  
>Each flame began to freeze

&#x200B;

For the second stanza "you were annoyed" is a massive tell not show and would urge you to change this. Additionally, its a repeat of what the line last (of the second stanza) implies so becomes very redunant. I would be tempted to removed the first two lines of the second stanza all together and honestly the

Cradled your heart above open fire  
it froze the flames   
ones I fueled with sun rays  
my tears formed icebergs  
body, a glazier

Dressed in furs and cotton  
you were annoyed  
I was melting on the floor  
slowly flooding your home  
bothersome disruption

another inconvenience  
brought you vexation  
when the bill came for water damage  
and I was under your floorboards  
to be walked over again

&amp;#x200B;

[Words](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vjm5xw/words/idk98f3/?context=3)

[Rumination](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vjn51z/rumination/idk7zpr/?context=3)

[Edited version based on feedback so far]

Cradling your heart upon open fire 

It froze the flames I fueled with sun rays 

Formed my tears into icebergs 

My body, into a glacier 

a bothersome disruption

as I’m melting on your floor 

slowly flooding your home 

another inconveniece 

when the bill came for water damage 

I laid beneath your cedar wood floorboards 

to be walked over again