Source
r/OCPoetry•
A1eafFa11s

Rust Belt

Poem

Minor scale arpeggios
of unfamiliar sound
slowly sink from window frames
wherein no glass is found.

Where once a wealthy autumn light
through solid panes would bound,
now through their decomposing gapes
Fall’s beams limp to the ground.

Though hammer strikes and impact drills
once beat the air like drums,
their beat was bought through bankers bent
on I’ll-begotten sums.

Their screaming sound of symphony,
reduced to tepid hums,
the orchestra was forced to leave
and now resides in slums.

Chunks of wall and ceiling scraps
drip from a rotting frame.
Concrete blocks and rebar as
a skeleton remain.

The sweating scent of engine rust
repeats a sweet refrain;
“Ever forward, progress marches,”
sung as though insane.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vlgaul/heligoland/idv4cfw/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vlgno8/bird/idvb2su/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

Had to edit the first link

Also added the 2 middle stanzas.

Posted Jun 27, 2022, 12:39 AM UTC · edited

411
[deleted]•

It's very vivid imagery for sure, and I think you've nailed it with sensory words (sounds, smells, etc). Love the contrast in language between references to the past and to the present. It's certainly enjoyable as is, but I'd be tempted to make it even longer. Thank you for sharing.

3
A1eafFa11sOP•

I definitely agree that it should be longer. Right now, it has 2 sections of 2 stanzas each, but because of the rhythm, I think it needs a 3rd section between the 2 existing ones in order to sound resolved. I have a tentative section that I’ll add in as an edit. Let me know what you think?

1
[deleted]•

I think it fits. Love the alliterations too.

2
A1eafFa11sOP•

Thanks!

1
palabrist•

Nice! Some of your metaphors actually took me to other places than what was maybe intended? Like I got out of my analytical mind and earnestly re-read "sweating scent of engine rust" a couple of times before it evoked something, and then I started smelling and feeling the touch of greasiness, gasoline, flaky rusting parts, burning coal, etc.

I'm curious why you chose autumn as the backdrop? I know admittedly little about this period in history. Could you speak about that?

The overall picture and feel is great, and the metaphors all separate from themselves are powerful and evocative. But I wonder how they work together. I wasn't sure how the sound of a minor scale (played on what instrument?) had to do with anything necessarily, and in the last stanza we went from something inanimate and olfactory to it creating something auditory. I actually kind of imagined the screeching of trains on a track as the insane singing you described, rather than the smell of their rusting engines.

2
A1eafFa11sOP•

I chose autumn and fall because they’re 2 words for same season, but with potentially different connotations. When I hear autumn, I think of harvest and bounty; how the industrial boom of the auto industry might have been perceived in the 50s and 60s. I chose fall as a more pessimistic view of the same timeframe, with allusion to descent from that economic high point.

I chose minor scale seeping because when I imagine sad music, I imagine descending minor notes.

As far as sensory inconsistency, there’s no rational explanation. I just thought light behaving as if it had weight and strength, and scent providing a feeling of music were interesting impressions.

3
palabrist•

Oh! I love that distinction/the double-meaning of the word "fall"! I didn't even realize that when I read it. That's a good idea. I also had assumed you chose that season for the harvest-time, but because we were talking about industrial era (?? again I'm bad with history...) stuff, and I was picturing machinery, I wasn't sure. A descending scale, "fall" is all making sense now. "Sickly seep" is also good word choice with the alliteration and impression of decay/decline. Honestly, I don't have any critique to offer. It paints a picture that someone who doesn't necessarily know a lot about the area/time period can still comprehend and draw conclusions about.

2
A1eafFa11sOP•

Thanks for the feedback!

1
soupthedestroyer•

i really like your use of imagery. more specifically how you combine allusions to industrial-era technology with nature analogies to paint the picture of “progress” being an unstoppable, sometimes soul-crushing engine of the natural world.

with this theme in mind- i’m wondering if your inspiration for “unfamiliar sound” stems from the ways in which the world moves on without you. “ever forward’… sung as though insane”. or maybe i’m reading too much into this one ahaha

2
A1eafFa11sOP•

To be honest, I didn’t have a strict intention for unfamiliar sound. I was sitting at a a desk, thought of “ minor scale arpeggios of unfamiliar sound,” thought it sounded vaguely musical, and decided to try and write a poem off of it.

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[deleted]•

[deleted]

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