Thank a lot! That is definitely my favorite part too. It took me maybe five minutes to write out the first draft and then about thirty minutes to finish it. It started out as just a emotional dump but ended up as a nice poem. I'm glad you enjoyed it.

the rhymes are amazing. my favorite part of the poem was “if you flip through my pages, you might as well think, some say i just woke up, and started to sink” and “but i’ve hidden the chapters, ones filled with depression” because i can definitely relate to it. depression is a difficult thing to deal with it, and from an outside point of view it “seems like you changed out of nowhere”. i don’t know how long it took you to write this poem, maybe a few minutes or a few days, but it’s a great poem and personally very relatable :)

I agree, I wasn't completely satisfied with the forth stanza either. I'm glad you liked it though!

I like the rhyme scheme a lot! It really adds to the poem.  I do think the weak link here is the fourth stanza- it's the only one that doesn't rhyme well and I think its a bit too on the nose. But other than that I like this!

I absolutely love every part of this poem. Every time I thought a line can't be topped, there was another. Also, something rare I felt was instant connnection to the piece. Like I could feel the emotions that could have possibly inspired this. Although, it may not be accurate yet I could relate to it pretty much. Keep writing!

Thank you so much! I'm glad you likes it. I didn't go into much detail with the forth stanza because I usually like to keep my poems a bit concise but I plan to write another poem elaborating on a similar topic. Untill then if you'd like you can read some of my other poems with similar themes.

I think the rhyming in this pulls the reader along really well and just keeps making you want to read. I wish at the fourth stanza, you had gone more into the "repulsion". I think it has an interesting story to tell, like how you and your life are repulsed by each other. That's a really interesting idea, like how your very life has grown a consiousness and you and it are moving away from each other. Like what would that look like? What would that entail. I like when poems get a little narrative!! Keep up the work 😽😽😽😽

YES finally a poem on here that actually RHYMES. Also I really relate to the first two paragraph chunks.

Yeah I'm talking about removing just "or" too, I feel it's important for the contrast between the future and "the footsteps I count" as a metaphor for the past.

Oops @ ambiguity: the suggestion's to remove "Or" before "the footsteps I count", not the entire line.

Thank you I'll definitely look into this. Although I don't know if your suggestion fits well with the metaphor. The footsteps reffer to the past so using the or, atleast in my opinion, is important to show the contrast.

[Amphibrachic](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Foot_(prosody)) [dimeter](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dimeter), predominantly. "Purpose"/"circus" trochaically [rime](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Syllable#Rime)\-rhymes. "Count" rime-rhymes by swap&merging "burnt out". "Started to sink" supports "filled with depression"'s [oxymoronic](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Oxymoron) & figurative [adianoeta](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/adianoeta). I think some function words, pleonasms, and redundancies can be removed, decluttering rhythm. One quick suggestion is "Can't see my own future,|the footsteps I count.".

Thank you! I'd love to write a part two! Untill then you can check out some of my other poems with similar themes.

This is is a great poem. Please give me a part two! I’d like to know how my brain works.

Mine too, I love it when the poem flows on it's own.

This is my favourite style of poetry, naturally punchy


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

Dark clouds for a memory,

It serves me no purpose.

A broken cognition,

A dysfunctional circus.

/

My heart is on fire,

I might be burnt out.

Can't see my own future

Or the footsteps I count.

/

If you flip through my pages,

You might as well think,

Some day I just woke up

And started to sink.

/

But I've hidden the chapters,

Ones filled with depression.

About how me and my life,

Have grown a repulsion.

/

So let me tell you the tale,

Of my weird obsession.

About how my brain,

Keeps seeking attention.

//

[1](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vuw6tu/the_inevitable/ifhnhjp?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3)

[2](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/vuo13e/july_9th/ifhpiw4?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3)


I apologise for the formatting, posting this from a phone.

Seeking attention