Source
r/OCPoetry•
asearchforyou

Our Children Are Listening

Poem

I own three vintage jerseys. One lamb's wool, and two made of double-knit polyester.

Invariably, when I bear one in public, strangers approach

demanding answers

for the sudden reappearance of Charlie Hustle,

Shoeless Joe, or Barry "the home run king" Bonds.

Kid! Kid! You! Name one other player on those teams besides Bench and Griffey.

"That movie sucked."

Do you condone the use of steroids?

I try to shrug and walk away.

Often I can't, so I reply

Who is Bench?

"Most do."

No, but I want to live long enough to see Forgiveness enshrined in the hall of fame.

1 2

Posted Jul 16, 2022, 11:40 PM UTC

249
thelastcorndog•

Excellently done. I find the use of "bear" in line 2 really interesting. You could have easily used "wear" but with "bear" you must intentionally be evoking something like Jesus bearing the cross on the way to Calvary or Hester Prynne bearing the scarlet letter. But in this case, you're the martyr for the cause of Forgiveness.

Given the title and final line, this poem feels like it's reaching for something beyond a simple reading-- the simple reading being that you feel these unfairly maligned players deserve a spot in the hall of fame. But if you want me to pay attention then you need to MAKE me. Tell me more about Charlie Hustle, Shoeless Joe, and Barry Bonds. I know that Barry Bonds juiced and I know that one or maybe both of the other two were banned for fixing games, and that's probably more than most poetry readers lol. Did Charlie Hustle approach the plate with swagger and a sideways smile? Could you hear the smack echo off every stantion in the park when barry bonds sent the ball flying over left field? How did Shoeless Joe earn that nickname? Make me care about these players, make me feel they deserve forgiveness and then maybe I might feel they deserve it.

You've got a great skeleton here but I need more imagery, more meat for this to really land like I think it could.

2
asearchforyouOP•

Did Charlie Hustle approach the plate with swagger and a sideways smile? Could you hear the

smack

echo off every stantion in the park when barry bonds sent the ball flying over left field? How

did

Shoeless Joe earn that nickname? Make me care about these players, make me feel they deserve forgiveness and then maybe I might feel they deserve it.

I appreciate your thoughts. This really does assume that the reader knows something about the characters already, but I don't think it requires it. You know from context that they did something wrong, and you suspect that a literal read is likely not all that this poem is aiming for.

How much or how little detail is always a tough decision. Shoeless played in an era with wide tiny baseball gloves and shit equipment. Once in the minors, his shoes weren't fitting right and were giving him blisters. He took them off, and played the rest of the game in his socks. Aside from being the best player on a banned team, he is known as being one of the best all around players of all time. He is credited with creating the swing that Babe Ruth would carry on into stardom and the record books. The two of them are the only ones to hit a homerun to centerfield in a Giant ballpark that had a 500 foot fence in center.

Charlie Hustle batted crouched further to the ground than anyone else. Part of the great red machine, he was known for opportunistic play, head first dives, and effort more than talent.

I could include all this background, but I fear it would bog the reader down in details they don't care much about.

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1
robynnc1290•

I don’t know the back story for your particular reference in this story, but I love the story you’re telling. I love specifics in poetry and for me, this really hit the nail on the head for that.

My only suggestion is to maybe think about using more enjambment, to me it creates better flow, but obviously that is a subjective opinion and not one that reflects on your writing.

Also I love your line about wanting to see live long enough to see forgiveness enshrined in the hall of fame. We all want that for our heroes, dont we?

Great poem!

1
treethirtythree•

I could never forget Shoeless Joe Jackson. What a story. I am curious what your last line meant. Why would forgiveness be enshrined in the hall of fame? Overall, I enjoyed the poem. Using the quotation blocks breaks up the speaking nicely, but I'm curious on the choice to use quotation marks for the middle lines.

1
asearchforyouOP•

Jackson was forever banned largely for not snitching on his teammates, who intentionally lost a world series after being approached by the mob with offers they couldn't refuse. Rose was forever banned for literally betting on himself and his teammates to win every night. Bonds is scapegoated for conduct that was undeniably widespread throughout his entire era and likely some of the not so drug averse eras preceeding it. Forgiveness would be "enshrined" when we let in the stars who have been left frozen outside in the cold, blamed individually for the sins of a broader culture.

Appropriate punishment for wrongdoing is one thing, banishment lasting through life and death is another matter all together.

1
treethirtythree•

I disagree. I don't think it's a matter of forgiveness but, a matter of fairness. Each of them knowingly broke the rules and suffered the consequences for their actions. In the case of Shoeless, his integrity was strong. For Rose, his addiction. For Bonds, his need for greatness. They can all be forgiven without being put in the hall of fame and I wouldn't complain if none of them ever get there. Neither will they.

1
asearchforyouOP•

Keep holding grievances if you'd like. I'm sure Marie Antoinette isn't complaining either about losing her head after a failed attempt to escape across the border.

Too much of anything is a bad thing, even justice.

1
treethirtythree•

I like all of the players you mentioned. That said, it's understandable why they're not in the hall of fame and I don't need them to be in order to appreciate what they did, even if I disagree with some of it. In my view, the one holding a grievance is the one who has a problem with them not being in the HOF, not the one who's fine with them being out.

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