There is no space
Every shadow hosts you;
Every flower does the same
And every sound, or word
They say to me, in vain,
Because there is no space
Left when I'm lonely.
__
Posted Aug 8, 2022, 3:04 PM UTC
9144
I like short but sweet poetry. I like how it hits you right away. The same goes with your composition. I like the first two stanzas, they painted a vivid picture. However, I felt like the last one was quite a rushed ending to the piece. Maybe I wanted more of your quick quips to color the picture more lol. But anyways, great job!
4
Thanks for the feedback. I did it on purpose though: there's no space, after all ;-)
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this is such a fucking banger poem
lots left to the reader but it nails the context of what it's going for
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Glad you liked it
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Because there is no space
Left when I'm lonely.
This is so true in so few words. If there is no one there with you to have space between, no space can be had.
Beautifully done! 10/10
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I'm happy you liked it
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I love short poems and particularly ones that give you a quick punch so you are compelled to go back and reread several times as it dawns on you how it hit you. It’s a great move to end on the turn. Lovely poem.
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<3
1
My only comment is that I would try it with less punctuation. I know you have been very intentional about it. If the goal was to keep it slow and with pauses, Or leave no space, I get it, but maybe there’s room to remove one or two. The theme and point will still come across.
2
That's a really good point, I thought about removing all punctuation, actually. In the end I didn't do it, mostly because i would have had to change the structure of the second stanza in order to preserve the meaning, making it less compact. Removing punctuation in short poems is always very risky: it gives logical structure and intentionality to what could otherwise appear too vague.
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Fair points, but it’s possible the form alone can give you the structure you need.
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i like that the poem doesn't make sense at the first read, it gives it more space for interpretation. it creates a certain atmosphere that way as well, kind of unknown, sad, isolated maybe. i really like it. the fact that it's short and still makes me feel so many different things is kinda impressive
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<3
1
I love tiny poems that leave you wondering, it says so much with so little. Nice!
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"tiny poems" made me smile.
1
☺️😊
1
I like this. At first I wondered why the poem ended so sharply but then I sorta thought about how maybe it’s like when we feel unheard or unseen we sort of emotionally shut down, and the poem is mirroring that? I’m not sure but thought provoking all the same.
2
I really like how this is worded, as it show the true feeling of loneliness despite being in a world that basically has no place to be truly alone.
2
I like it, apart from the last stanza. It's an anticlimax IMO. Prior to that you have a sense of urgency and dread, then there's a bathos in "I'm lonely", surely one of the most universal and everyday experiences. It's kind of in the same category as "I'm bored". Not that loneliness can't be devastating of course, but the effect it had on me as a reader was "that's it?". There is no space left when I exist would have sustained the mood, for me
2
Thank you for the feedback. The word choice was very purposeful though, I didn't want to make this about existential dread. The fact that you felt "that's it?" on the last verse makes me happy, because it was kind of the point: everything feeling empty. That's also the reason why the second verse borrowed a syllable from the last one (which is the shortest).
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I meant "that's it?" as in "this poem fizzled out", which I doubt is the effect you had in mind. I've no doubt you put a lot of thought into it.
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Yeah man, I know what you meant. I get that it could've been more thrilling and exciting in the theme, but it's a poem about loneliness. "there is no space left when I exist" is not what I was feeling and doesn't match the meter. I do really appreciate the feedback though, it's always interesting to hear what people think. That's why I posted it, after all.
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This is beautiful.
I love the impact you make with so few words. really captures the suffocating feeling of loneliness when you long specifically for someone. seeing them everywhere you go.
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I really like the simple rhyme scheme it pulls you through the poem so effortlessly. Love this piece, it's beautiful and sad.
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I liked because it gives you impact when you finish, like a mistery! This poem can have a lot of meanings
2
This was very short and to the point, It gives you all the sense of emotions without all of the unnecessary words. I get lost writing everything I feel to a T this was neatly executed
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A striking and thought provoking poem. Enigmatic yet concise. I like it. I think the fact that it seemingly feels like an excerpt rather a full piece speaks to its meaning as well. Well done.
2
The epitome of short and sweet... well bitter-sweet. But still very good. It's briefness lends to it's impact. Bravo.
2
There’s something about this poem, I can’t name, but it grips me so intensely. There’s such power in those words “ every shadow hosts you, every flower does the same” , yet at the same time it’s a bit ambiguous and enigmatic as to what it exactly means. There are hints of resentment, anger and frustration, in your words, not in a obvious way, but it’s bubbling beneath the surface. Part of me, wants to know what happens next, but it ends so beautifully sad, it touches me. Well done!
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Thanks, I'm happy because it did what it was supposed to do.
1
Would you mind reading my poem?
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Not at all!
1
It’s called Their Blackened Heart. 🖤
1
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1
I love where you’re going. I would challenge you to make it even tighter. I’m getting a sense of claustrophobia and loneliness but there are still some excess words and comas and punctuation. Also the shifting of “you” to “me” is a tad bit confusing. If this is lonely and there is no space either “you” or “me” needs to get pushed out. The same with “sound” or “word”. Does rhyming work here? If there is no more space is there space for rhyming or punctuation? I want it to feel tight. The words you have chosen here are telling me no space, but they feel sad. I would encourage you to explore the topic a bit more.
For real though I like this a lot and I think it has potential. Keep going. Keep writing. Keep revising.
1
There will always be something to remove if the aim is to make it as tight as possible, until there's nothing left. Not what I wanted to do this time, that's also why I decided to maintain a meter. I appreciate the feedback though.
1
Thank you for sharing. This poem really hit me today.
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Hopefully in the best way possible.
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Brevity really is the soul of wit. A wordy mfer like me could learn a lot from someone capable of painting such a beautifully sad and relatable picture as this with so few. Well said, very pretty.
Hey, thanks.