Source
r/OCPoetry•
Pultakhen

🍄

Workshop

(Tbh untitled because i don’t know what to call it)

On the forest floor mushrooms sit,

alive on the remains of a priors passing.

No matter the size, the amount amassing,

none could avoid it at last.

A mushroom grows from the dirty past.

Much like how, one might storm away,

angry, discordant, seething rage,

a feral beast escaped from their cage,

only to return to the scene again,

repentant, renewed, tired, estranged,

forgiving,

intent to continue living,

to move forward from the past,

to outlast,

and firmly grasp

beyond what hurts,

either theirs or another’s.

Intently determined to seek to recover.

Much like a mushroom,

We each could thrive.

Flourishing boldly while still alive,

whatever our past might once have been,

may we all learn to endure the ends.

The ends that have happened

and will happen again.

May we all learn what the mushroom knows,

to be above what has passed.

Be committed to grow.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wjb44f/there_is_no_space/iji47hi/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wjjgpv/how_would_you_know_if_a_stars_still_alive/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wjj90k/fuck_love/iji5ojz/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wjgqbp/heavyest_feather/iji4ncs/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=iossmf&context=3

Posted Aug 8, 2022, 10:45 PM UTC · edited

37
[deleted]•

Mush love for this

2
PultakhenOP•

🍄

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WaanNoi•

I really love the extended metaphor of the mushroom and growth in a relationship. The idea of growing from something that might initially seem worthless or negative is relatable to everyone, but you've done it in an original and unexpected way. I also think you've made really good use of rhyme to highlight key points instead of just rhyming for the sake of it (e.g. thrive - alive, cage - rage, knows - grow). Well done!

2
NigelTMooseballs•

First of all, if you haven't already, read Sylvia Plath's 'mushrooms' - it's well worth the read.

There is some good stuff happening in here, but I've had to dig it out from a lot of fluff as I read it. I really liked some lines including:

A mushroom grows from the dirty past.

Something about it clicked in my brain when I read this after 'alive on the remains of a prior's passing'

But that prior's passing... here's the thing. What you're actually saying here, is pretty cool. Who doesn't like a good mushroom growing from a corpse? It's a grand subject. But I feel so distanced as a reader here. I feel like I'm being shown the vague essence of a corpse, I want the real thing. You need to get down and dig your writing fingers into the dirt - show is the dark earth on the white caps, give us the earthy smell, etc etc - again, i really think you gotta go ahead and read the one by S. Plath. See how she brings them alive with concrete images that you could sink your teeth into.

I enjoyed the sentiment of the poem - to be like the mushroom. Take nutrients and nurture ourselves from pain / death / etc. There is a very good premise and if you can put us there with specific details and all kinds of stuff like smells and sounds, then you're onto a winner.

2
PultakhenOP•

Thank you for the advice ✨ that definitely would take this poem to the next level. I do love the use of metaphors and subtlety but I’ve always struggled with the concept of rooting the reader in my work. Describing while rhyming is pretty difficult for me. I’ll definitely take a look at that poem and see what principle I might be able to utilize.

2
NigelTMooseballs•

Not at all :) and to add to my previous comment and what you've just said about rhyming (I was drunk and tired when commenting so I missed some things I wanted to mention) - my advice would be to remove the pressure of even trying to rhyme for a while, and let the heart and content of your poems breathe without that constraint. Then there are all the delights of things like assonance and internal rhyme where words will have similar sounds and be very musical together but the musicality of this will come through in subtle ways that don't interrupt or stand out awkwardly as end rhymes often can, you know.

2
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