Against My Will
Try to lie
Perfectly still,
Hands now frozen against my will.
The itch runs rampant,
Unable to be scratched.
Just one will satisfy for now,
No! It merely inflames.
Corn Man says everything in excess,
And memory is arbitrary.
Only Man knows about the superpower
To say no to number one.
Only Man knows about the curse,
The inability to say no to number two.
So the two engage in holy war,
The world belongs to the quick and evil.
Only Man falls into the trap,
Is now part of the problem.
Never tasted gunmetal between one's teeth,
But now it's cold.
Corn Man drank away everything that I could provide you,
And now I grieve alone.
Try to lie
Perfectly still,
Hands now frozen against my will.
Feedback:
Posted Aug 20, 2022, 4:33 PM UTC
88
Hi, I liked your poem. It was a little funny the first read through because twice you wrote "Corn Man" instead of "Only Man." That's just an autocomplete error I think, which tells me you didn't edit this poem. I believe in raw expression without editing your stream of consciousness, but it does pay to look over stuff before you cast it out into the world. ;)
Getting to the substance of the poem, you did a good job ruminating on the plight of man, but it feels a little disconnected from the imagery. It's like you set up a scene for the audience to picture and then for the majority of the poem you give us a talking head. Maybe mixing up the reflective sections with more imagery will help. As it stands now, it's a little difficult to connect the talk about Man with the lying still bits.
Still not a bad poem. Best wishes in your future writing!
Interesting feedback. I'm thinking that it didn't come through the way I wanted it too though. I did edit it, and Corn Man and Only Man are actually two different parts of the same person (the two different versions of the same man - kind of a good versus evil thing). That's why the two of them are engaged in a war with each other. In the end, Corn Man wins out and Only Man suffers the consequences.
Makes sense in my head, but that may be the problem...
Ah I see. I'm sorry I didn't get that. It's a little obtuse, so my advice would be adding something that lets the reader know that these are characters you're playing with. I read those parts as a reflection about our species. You did capitalize the names, but I interpreted that as a stylistic choice to encapsulate the formality of humanity. Maybe an early line where the two interact with one another, or maybe a short scene of the two splitting off from one another?
That is fair. I appreciate the feedback, and I'll play around with it a bit to see if I can add some sort of interplay between the two.
Thanks!