I like this poem, it resonates with me. I love your use of rhyme to link ideas and make the poem flow better. One note though, most of the lines are uneven in syllables (speak the lines aloud and clap for each syllable to find out the beats of each line) but merely adding/rephrasing/removing some words would clear that up immediately. Good job!

I really love this, I was tearing up by the final lines, I'm not a very good critique in terms of proper writing, but I often feel selfish for loving anybody as it's such a dependence to have and it places so much onto them whether they want that or not, that is really conveyed here. I really feel the strength you obtain through the love of your friend as well as the fear and weakness this causes for you, it's a beautiful collision. I really look forward to reading anymore work you share, thankyou for this.


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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I’m having a hard time establishing your meter, because it doesn’t seem the lengths of your lines are consistent. I’m coming up with several lines that are 10 syllables, some that are 8, some that are 9, a few 11. Then a random 7, a random 12, and a random 14. 

Because the syllable counts aren’t establishing a pattern, the rhymes aren’t working. This weighs the poem down instead of serving it, as a rhyme should (if you choose to write in rhyme). 

I rarely bother with rhyme, but if it’s what you intend to do, you’ve got to learn about meter. Establishing rhythm and measuring how many feet are in each line is super important. You’ve got to think about which syllables are stressed and unstressed. Otherwise the end-rhymes just feel like they’re tacked on (because at that point they are).

The two closing lines are brutal in every way they need to be. Honesty isn’t always easy. To paint in poetry self failures can be an important lesson. The structure in everything being it’s own line helps portray each being a meaningful declaration. I love.

It's going to hurt like hell, isn't it?

When you're finally gone at last

I can tell now that I'm going to slip

Into a pit like the fallen angels cast

Down into the abyss of total doom

That's my punishment for loving you

I can see it now, you lying in a tomb

I'm sure weeping will be all I can do

Because you mean the world to me

So, for as long as you are still around

I'm going to make sure that you see

That you're the best friend I've found

Every time we are together from now

I'm going to brighten your day somehow

Remembering you happy is my only wish

I apologize about being so very selfish

[Critique One](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wtan0h/430am/il31m6k?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3)

[Critique Two](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/wtbbxm/against_my_will/il33fb0?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3) 

Letter to [Redacted]