i (don’t) miss you

i look for you inside of all the red cars i see. i look for you inside all of the shops we used to go to, thinking you’d be standing there, scowling at the overpriced packets of crisps still trying to decide what flavour to get.

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i look for you around the places we spent together, expecting you to be sitting in that same place, laughing at a stupid video on your phone, sending it to me, now notifications feel like a chore now that i know they’re not from you

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i look for you in every man walking down my road, in all of their eyes, but they’re never yours they’re never that soft ocean blue, inviting me to come in, inviting me to come and swim, convincing me the water isn’t actually that cold, as you stand there shivering.

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i knew how dangerous the waves were, but chose to ignore the warning signs plastered across the beach like a missing poster of the girl i used to be.

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the poster of a girl who was warm, and sunny, not neck deep in salty water, unable to swim. no one ever taught me how to swim, but i thought i could do it, just for you. you held my hand as i dipped my toes in, apprehensive of the temperature, but you still insisted it was okay to swim in.

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i still look for you, every now and then. but i have to let you go now. to sink. or to swim.

….

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