I like the use of the word boy and the misunderstanding coming from it. it gives the reader the option to read the poem twice with basically different eyes. I also appreciate how there is a picture drawn without giving away much around the surroundings and instead leaving that to the readers imagination. Being encouraged to imagine is always better than being shown the whole situation.

I did the “boy” purposely to kind of keep the reader guessing who the companion is until the next stanza but I understand in that split second it can come off a bit condescending! Thank you for the love 🙌🏼

A nice picture is painted here.  I like the repetition of the last line - it's always hard to know when repetition is appropriate.  I had to look up bushveld but that's just my ignorance.

The only critique is the line "a little further, boy" is very obscure without context and I actually read this as aggressive because I thought it was directed towards a human, and "boy" can be used as a diminutive!  Then I read on an saw that it was a dog which changed the context of that line.  It's not really a negative, but probably not what you were hoping to convey.

A fun snippet to read.

I quite like the subtleness of this poem. It flows so nicely and although i’m not a fan of rhyme in poetry, this works very well. I also really enjoyed the imagery it conveyed as I could see it all playing out in my minds eye. Very enticing!

Thank you! I thought the last two lines might be too pretentious but glad you enjoyed it!

I quite like this! I'm not usually a fan of rhyme in poetry, but there's a sort of grandiosity to this that doesn't feel too self-indulgent. The repetition in the last two lines sells it.

So refreshing getting back into it right? I hope to see something from you soon!

I just found this sub too! I haven't written anything for 6-7 years and I figured reading poetry would help light a spark again! Had fun reading yours :)

Thank you! Yes that second stanza was the hardest to write. I was concerned with how the “defeat” would contradict his response of “a little further” but I haven’t written for well over 2 years and spat this out in 30 mins just to see if I could still put something down. I’m glad you liked it! I just found this sub and will post more 🙏🏼

Hi! I really like your poem!

The way I read your poem is as a story of salvation. And I believe it's necessary to establish a strong predicament which requires salvaging from. Your dust clouds and hellish heat have done a great job of establishing the predicament! I also loved the hill and hellish heat alliteration. I don't think I've seen that before. 

The second stanza feels the weakest here to me however. I don't understand why the companions (who I assume is most likely the dog) senses defeat. Has this been a long and perilous journey? Is the poet injured, starving, diseased? I feel like he's near death but I'd like to have known why he's near defeat so that I could have a more complete image of the story here. This may actually be a good thing maybe since it also means I want to know more about this story clearly. 

The last stanza is a winner in every sense. It brings to me a sense of victory. The end of a search. A resting place. If not to recover, but to pass peacefully. 

Th

Rhymes are something that never feel right when I try and do them, but I rellly love them in this one. My favorite part though is the imagery you manage to evoke through your style and the various sensations you convey (defeat, tiredness, relief etc.) Great work!

Your use of imagery is immersive and interesting, which is frankly an understatement. Metaphor is carefully woven in, not shoehorned, exactly what I gravitate towards in not only poetry but any fiction I find myself reading. Good shit dude. Very good.


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

Thank you so much for this. It is hugely appreciated. Glad you enjoyed 🙏🏼

The first stanza is a solid scene-setter; we meet our speaker in the bushveld of (presumably) southern Africa. The AABA rhyme scheme is also established, and mostly maintained. There is a somewhat consistent rhythm, although some variation in meter e.g. the first line is seven syllables, while the rest of the stanza is eight, and I definitely felt that missing beat. We are also introduced to the central 'antagonist' of the poem - the hellish heat, just beyond the hill.    
   
The second stanza introduces the companion, who we know is a 'boy' - a child, a young man, or a dog, we can't yet be sure. And again, we understand this to be a potentially dangerous situation, as the speaker is on the brink of defeat, with 'blistered feet' - but forges on. Like the speaker, we forge on, eager to find out if they will make it.  

The final stanza resolves who the 'boy' companion is - a dog, whose canine instincts guides it to the river mentioned in the opening. The dog darts away - presumably ind

Wow, it really sets the scene and even though I sense you're writing about a place you have been to, and I have no idea where that is, I can still picture it.

I’d like to walk through the piece slowly and just throw out any stray thoughts I have.  have read through it a decent couple times now. looked up bushveld, i’m dumb and didn’t know
- i’m wondering if there was an intended connection between “clouds my eyes” and “the river lies”? it gives me ‘does this river actually exist, is it a mirage, am I safe or am I playing a trick on myself, is the river lying to me’
- “and stops a moment in retreat” works so well for me, I love that it gives this sense of movement, and such a subtle push / pull of will, and fear.  I mentally felt myself shift, I felt the stopping in the middle of turning back, and the slight second of catching my balance.  brilliant
- i’ll parrot something others have said, “a little further, boy” works on subsequent read through a but my first time through it gave me bad vibes because of how, at least where i’m from, the term is used.  it is use primarily in a derogatory way and has some racial connotations to it, and I know

The bushveld dust clouds my eyes   
But very near the river lies   
Beyond the hill and hellish heat   
To linger would be our demise 


My companion senses my defeat   
And stops a moment in retreat   
“A little further, boy”, I say   
And pick back up my blistered feet 


It’s my dog that hears the waterway   
And up the hill he darts away   
He knows I’ll live another day   
He knows I’ll live another day


https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x176on/the_missing_key/imeaf5x/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x17ayy/shower_thoughts/imea9ll/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=ios_app&amp;utm_name=iossmf&amp;context=3

The River