I would hone in your image. The idea of this poem is great. I recommend finding a conversation or moment the reader can follow through. Showing a realization instead of telling the reader.

That you for giving so much feed back. I definitely didn’t feel it was quite right when I was done. I will be taking you advice and reworking jt tomorrow

This poem is a great start with a good, powerful concept at its heart. Unless the lack of punctuation is a stylistic choice that you’d wish to continue with, I’d recommend adding pauses such as full stops and commas for added intensity: your lack of pauses increases the speed of the poem when read aloud, however pauses allow for the poem to release this tension that has built up after a long sentence, therefore a well-placed full stop could be super effective here. The other thing I’d recommend taking a look into is word choices. You use the word ‘happened’ twice which is non-specific, however I find that the beauty of short poems is precise language which conveys more than just the literal meaning, which builds an image in the reader’s mind. Other words you might play around with are ‘fighting’, ‘asked’ and ‘listened’. Have a look in a thesaurus and play around with it :))

OK, I'd like you to imagine a situation where you're talking about your relationship with a friend. You're complaining to that friend about how your boyfriend doesn't listen. What's the first thing your friend asks? "How so? What do you mean? Can you give me an example?" And that's cause they wanna know what happened exactly so they can come to their own conclusion.

You are leaving your reader without the freedom to make the conclusion that your bf isn't listening to you. Instead, the reader is just being told things. 

And being told things could be fine if those things are concrete, specific things, with textures, smells, tastes, weights. But instead you only offer abstract language. You gotta remember that poetry isn't about how *you're* feeling. It's about using your skills to make *the reader* feel what you're feeling. Just telling them what you feel accomplishes nothing. 

That said the premise is interesting, the day he listened and all the bad juju went away. It's a relatable 

beautiful. I really like how you highlighted the frustrations over getting someone you care about to listen when they'd rather not. Your creativity shows what people have a hard time expressing for themselves.


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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Thank you for taking the time to read and critique . I’m going to take everyone’s advice and add a little more to it tomorrow

I want to be buried deeper into the pain that this piece conveys. Though the ending bodes well for its subjects, the meat between the beginning and the end can be more raw (which is good in a writing sense, not actual raw meat sense). I’m not suggesting adding anything, but you have a beautiful foundation for some incredible enhancements here; really search subject matter and paint the picture of it as vividly as you can in your head and draw from that the best descriptors that truly unbox the pain that storms before triumph. This is not only great as it is, but has excellent potential well done. Always keep writing.

Fuck yea...

I mean, I can put more words down to appear like I'm saying something meaningful. Lol. 

Sometimes things are just the way they should be, as is. I feel that when I read your poem

I really love it

It didn’t happen all at once

It slowly crept in

Each day felt a little bit different 

Until so much had changed

I was hurting 

Worried I would lose you

We started fighting

My insecurities building 

WHY, WHY, WHY

I asked repeatedly

I need you to make sense of it all

But yesterday

Something happened 

And you listened 

It wrapped around me 

Mending my heart

Letting me know 

Everything is going to be okay

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x2iazs/comment/imk716u/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x2iazs/comment/imk716u/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x2fwyg/comment/imk7d5d/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x2fwyg/comment/imk7d5d/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

The day he listened