GENERAL REMARKS: 

Two sisters with magical powers move from their unsafe country to Baltimore in the US. It’s dangerous there too so one of the sisters collects and practices with guns, and tries to teach the other sister to. The other sister says she will rely on her magic powers. Their aunt shows up, and tells them it’s safe to go back to their own country, but the sisters don’t believe the aunt. 

The main issue in the plot is that it’s not made clear why they would live in a dangerous area in the US. Why wouldn’t they move somewhere nice? I can guess it’s because their family is there but it’s not made clear. 

The main issue with the writing is pacing the plot elements. I think the aunt is an inciting incident that comes far too early - more build up with the sister’s relationship is needed. 

WRITING: 

There’s far too many commas. If a sentence can be read without a comma it can be written without a comma. 

For example: 

> Today was special, though.

I think the first paragra

My first thought is that this would read better if told from first person perspective from Sarah's POV. Lines like (you know, the kind of engagements that require friends) makes it sound like you, the author, are the one bitter about a lack of friends, rather than Sarah.

The opening paragraph is very weak. I don't know anything about Shieka, what it means to have council parents, council of what, where they are now, what things are like. Not all of those need to be answered, but none of it paints a very vivid picture either.

"The last of the autumn leaves had changed from the brilliant orange Sarah had grown so fond of to a dingy brown. Autumn in Baltimore was not so different than that of her homeland, she had discovered. On days like this, she grew nostalgic for the fall weather of her homeland of Shieka, where a chilly day like today might have seen her holed up in her bedroom with a fuzzy blanket and a pile of books."

The above passage isn't my best work, and it's not written to

GENERAL REMARKS:

From what I understand of where the story is going, I do believe there's some potential here. The concept of a sort of reverse-Narnia situation, where the people of a magical land flee to Earth to hide away is an interesting switch on a popular genre, and there are some exciting things one can do by exploring how people from a fantasy would take to Earth and its customs. How surprised are they by the ways of modern life? How unsurprised? How do the cultures clash and how do the people cope without certain magical amenities they have no access to?

At the moment, I'm not sure if the story you're telling will dive into the interesting part of itself. This chapter seems to sail past the adjustment period of these two fantasy girls settling into mundane life. They're already settled, and have been for a while, it seems. Mariah is deep in the violent scene of Baltimore and Sarah's narration has a distinctly... modern feel to it.

(BTW, you might want to examine why you've 

STORY

This chapter was mostly boring. The reason behind this is because of there was nothing sparked the reader’s interest. Keep in mind there was a good dynamic between sisters, but ultimately it needs more content to be more readable. I would suggest you to take the dynamic between sisters and focused on more on that.

VOICE

The narration and voice is clunky. Use of too many comas breaks the flow. It needs a solid edit.


CHARACTER

As above, the dynamics between the sisters were the most engaging ones but even their personalities and dialogues could have executed better. Try to market your writing more. Try to be more engaging.


DESCRIPTION

Descriptions were too fast as such I couldn’t properly focused on anything. Try taking it slower.

CONCLUSION

Overall, you have a potential and this chapter needs more work. Keep polishing it and you will have a good chapter in no time

Hi! This is the first chapter of my YA Fantasy novel. I finished the first draft a year ago, but every time I go to make edits, my eyes kind of glaze over and I don't get anything done. I would love suggestions, especially about the pacing, characters, and clarity (are the fantasy terms too jarring?).

Thanks so much for any response!

(BTW, the novel is called Silma, the chapter is called A Biker's Divination. Sorry for any confusion.)

[Story](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1CZCHlYE9bSSrA0oVNe1seYkUj1_itZURGPTDEstSAdk/edit?usp=sharing)

Crits:

[\[1523\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/x3lxch/1523_crimson_queen_ch_0/in98ecw/?context=3) and [\[1000\]](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/x6qczp/1000_gemini_cage_of_scars/in8ytrp/?context=3)

[1533] Silma