dead days in burgundy

Poem

i’m done with it

i’m done with it all

cannot put a name to it

cannot give it a home

i’m done with it

i’m done with you all

turns out i don’t need you

for tomorrow to come

can you live your best life

if you feel like you're not living at all?

oh i’m done with it

i am not a broken thing

just a bad fit

another spring won’t change it

summer heals me some

but i can’t quit

they keep me rolling on

no i won’t speak up

no i don’t have any questions

no i really really care about

what you guys are doing here

great work

i’ve always loved this industry

where do i see myself

in a hundred years?

i dream of lonely afternoons

with the sun uncaring

and clothes on the line

and the wind soft-hearted

and i’m not alone alone

diving down a bottle

seeing dead days

in burgundy

being perfectly

in love

​

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https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x7eme5/comment/ind06df/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/x781r0/comment/incykk7/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web2x&context=3

Posted Sep 6, 2022, 8:46 PM UTC

43
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1
jasper-kasper•

This is my first time criticizing and giving feedback I don't mean to be too hard or small.

I like your use of repetition in the beginning. And there is feeling of retrospection in your words. There is a longing i feel in your words that comes across strong.

The flow feels good but there are a few line I'd say you could either set aside or refined.

1
SicMundus_CreatusEstOP•

Thanks. I'll keep that in mind.

1