Thanks very much for the critique. I appreciate the suggestions; I tend to forget about showing vs. telling at times and it's always good to get called out on that. I also appreciate the suggestions on what to cut, and which parts didn't work for you. I'll work on tidying these up.

Hi there,

Skimmed through chapter one too so I'm up to date, but will focus on chapter two here.

PLOT/MECHANICS

This chapter was relatively uneventful, in that we get more of the similar dynamics established in Ch.1. Revel is taking Turbo to collect a bounty, and Turbo is trying to escape. This is a relatively simple premise and conflict but I think it is done reasonably well and kept me engaged throughout. Probably my favourite bit of the chapter, mechanics wise, was the "taking a shit" bit. It showed Revel as uncaring and sick of skips and also as a bit spiteful, in that he's taking out his frustrations on Turbo in quite an inhumane way. The problem is that the taking a shit bit oozed with implicit and explicit conflict, so the rest of the chapter didn't really add much. The detail about drinking the ice later was a nice touch, and the little remark about the five stages of grief was well done, but I didn't get any extra window into Revel or Turbo or the wider plot. Given that thi

Sorry for the late reply, but thanks so much for the crit!

WRT the Lovecraftian element, the book is about 80% straight crime mystery. The Lovecraftian elements are subtle, and this is the first in a planned series where Rev gets deeper and deeper into the mythos as it progresses. As the first book, this one is pretty grounded in straight mystery.

Thanks for your insights as well, I have cleaned up all of the parts you mentioned (I think, lol) on my scrivener and wattpad MS's, but I have left the google doc unedited, since it's only for this sub.

Hello, here are my thoughts.
The voice is really good. It definitely matches the character. It sounds like the sort of narration I'd expect to hear in an old cop movie.

The plot is interesting enough that I didn't get bored while reading it, though I didn’t get excited about it either. Maybe that’s just because it's not (yet) a genre I care about. Funny that on my second read of your OP I see the story is supposed to be a Lovecraftian fantasy—which is a genre I would be excited about! You should throw in breadcrumbs of that theme into your second chapter to get the reader starting to be hyped for it. If people are coming for the Lovecraftian fantasy they might be turned off by a whole chapter with no such fantasy. It doesn't have to be much. Turbo could mention strange rumours and try to use that information to bargain for his freedom. Or the narrator might accidentally turn to a distorted radio station talking about strange cultish things.

The characters are believable, but not terr

Hello everyone, this is the second chapter to a new book I'm working on. I got lots of good advice on the first chapter, hoping to get more here.

The book is about a detective who stumbles on a Lovecraftian artifact. This chapter is focused on returning a skip and setting the stage for the financial troubles that force him to take the weird Lovecraftian case in the first place.

The chapter is here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SQLIzvDq6jMVD1j0ccThw9cMnvAgkbx0/edit?usp=sharing&amp;ouid=102026126534820481091&amp;rtpof=true&amp;sd=true

The previous chapter is [here](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1RgYk2ONZtIu3AAdegh9XnDdNnwSegmz1/edit?usp=sharing&amp;ouid=102026126534820481091&amp;rtpof=true&amp;sd=true), but reading it isn't necessary to understand C2. It's main purpose was to introduce the two characters, describe them, etc.

Crits: [[2270] The Seeds of War (Prologue), Version 2](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/x5os8y/2270_the_seeds_of_war_prologue_version_2/in82uut/)

[[1000] Gemini - Cage of Scars](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/x6qczp/1000_gemini_cage_of_scars/indcgnk/)

[[1360] Fingers in the Dirt](https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/x4khio/1360_fingers_in_the_dirt/in7ed39/)

[3043] The Jar of Nephren-Ka, Chapter 2