Show do not tell - you have the bones of what you want your poem to be about and that's a great start. Illustrate serenity, calmness, anger, nothingness, satisfaction, drinking, smoking, fucking, reading writing, singing, playing, etc. I want to feel these feelings as if I felt them myself through poetic imagery.

She’s a beast for sure. That’s her MFA in Poetry at work ;)

Thank you. I'll try to do that some more, and also respect for Amanda Shires.

This feels more “diary entry” than poetry. As you are writing, try to ask yourself what images you can use, what opportunities you have to play with language, what discoveries you could make or imply with the poem. Those are the things that will make the poem stand out and evoke feeling in your reader. 

>there is no satisfaction in anything I play my hand at

Give an example. The statement of the fact is not as powerful as the *illustration* of it would be. You really miss out on an opportunity to open the piece up and play when state the fact without illustrating it. It’s the difference between “I couldn’t stop crying” and “that last talk left me a makeup rainbow of tears” (see: Empty Cups by Amanda Shires).

Thank you! I wrote it out the way I imagined myself speaking it and structured it that way the best I could. What's interesting is that I don't consider myself an existentialist at all, but I understand how honestly a lot of my writing probably comes across that way. Something to think about

I enjoy this, the pacing and the italics really drive it home for me. I love that overuse of actions in the last bit. Also, I think you may have some existentialist views, which I also enjoy. Well done!

I like it! I've also read the other comments and I do understand the part about showing a picture and that would definitely make a big difference, but I also just like the simplicity in your poem.


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

I agree, and I do admit the first few replies I had thought of were more harsh than needed to be. I do not write as well as my ego thinks I do, so feedback like yours is appreciated. If you're up for it; I'm curious what you'll think of the most recent one I wrote. I'll tag you in it

In poetry you can have gracefully clunky and beautifully brutal too. Sometimes a poem is right and good and finished. Criticism is best chucked into the stew of everything you know and allowed to flavor future work. Thanks for the reply, it's good to get feedback on my feedback.

I do understand that I would be served well with even some basic imagery, and I do have plans to revise this. However, even at its bones it still conveys precisely what I want it to. For once my phrasing and even punctuation felt right. But thank you for the feedback; I really am trying to get better. Hell, when I wrote last night after I had read your comment I did so with your criticisms in mind. To an extent at least. Sometimes brutal and clunky is what you need though. Grace and beauty can be distracting.

You are searching? You are longing? You squeeze the sweet nectar from life, but it fails to satiate your thirst?

Poetry is a higher level language. Like programming, you can program in machine code but it is brutal, clunky. Poetry is like programming in a visual language, you use short, power packed phrases to represent something much more elaborate. 

Look for the greater concepts in your poem and weave them together with grace and beauty. 

You use cards as a metaphor with "playi my hand", maybe this can be taken further.

Find some concrete thing that stirs the emotions (or lack of) that these words want to express.

Where is the serenity
 
The calmness

I am not angry because I am 

*pleased*

No, I am not angry because I am

*Nothing*

There is no satisfaction in anything I play my hand at

I drink and I smoke and I fuck and I read and I write and I sing and I play and yet none of it makes a single fucking difference


https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/y7586n/suffer_on/isszrjz?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/y76tnk/wistful_return/isssw6b?utm_medium=android_app&amp;utm_source=share&amp;context=3

Feedback desired and welcome. Hope this title is a bit better.

My Head Hurts