Yeah I like the present tense of the title but what I meant was I wanted you to specify in it that it was a businessman eating.

And no problem!! <3

Thanks so much for a thorough critique, super appreciated. The points about the glass elevator and the cliche are really useful, I'll look back at these when I amend it!

With the "cocaine team of sumos" you'll have to give me some poetic license haha, as I'm quite sure teams of sumos aren't fuelled on cocaine. I did the present participle in the title for the continuous tense to give a running start to the poem, trying to reflect the on going motion to the elevator. As for the article of the businessman, that is a very good point. I put a weak article purposefully because I didn't want him to have a face (or be too much of a main character) and focus more on the whole scene. But I see your points on the grammar, I'll have a good think about it! I also did globule on purpose, glad you picked up on that.

Thanks again Silly Equipment!

Edit: grammar mistakes

- i’m nitpicking, (which i find i only do to good poems) but usually when titles start with a present participle verb, it’s the speaker—speaking in first person—that’s doing the action. so it was kind of surprising to be introduced to the businessman. how do you feel about tweaking the title a bit so that nothing feels incongruous?
- i found the indefinite article in “a businessman’s” sounds weak. “the” just sounds way better imo.
- could you mention in the second line that the elevator looks out to the city? like, the “glass elevator” or something? just so that the mention of the city afterwards can *feel* like the proper follow-up.
- i had to google the word rolodex (relevant simile, not bad), and i have no idea what “cocaine team” means. haha, not complaining but maybe that’s something you’d want to know as the poet.
- “as if alive and breathing” this line is kind of a cliche. immediately following “perched there” with “as if watching the outside buildings…” makes the line so much s

This is a very interesting poem.

Feels to me as if the businessman and elevator represents those at the top getting richer and greedier, looking down at the increasingly business and money dominated world, while the hamburger is what has been created (e.g a successful business) that is being dominated by those at the top. The grease represents those at the bottom that have helped to create the success being enjoyed by those at the top - but they're treated terribly i.e the grease being wiped away and not invited to the board meeting.

Just my take, but a poem that really makes me think. Thanks.

I like this a lot. u/Silly-Equipment-9219 raised the point about “Perched there, as if alive and breathing” and I want to expand on that. The line doesn’t just feel out of place because it’s cliche; it feels out of place because it doesn’t have much relevance to the rest of the poem. How does the globule being alive and breathing affect anything? Imbuing it with life draws attention to it, and then the rest of the stanza feels more to me about the living and breathing city, not the drop of grease.

“Perched there,” to me, makes it sound like a bird, and you’re also introducing pigeons, so I think that might be one way to segue into the description of the cityscape. “Perched there, like a pigeon on a ledge / Watching the outside buildings” feels like a smoother transition to me. Or maybe you could just leave the phrase “Perched there” as a line itself. The shortened line might help convey the precarious situation that the globule is in; perched delicately upon a suit, waiting to be swip

Oh my god I liked this so much. I don't know if my comment adds anything to your betterment as a poet, but god i liked it so much :)

I really liked this poem, as it uses rich imagery. I can imagine the scene perfectly and very detailed. My interpretation is that the businessman going up the elevator, represents those who have become successful and are rising through the ranks of society. However, the drop of grease is a reminder of his humble beginnings, the fact that he wasn't born into a luxurious life and had to work to get where he is. A reminder of the things that he still enjoys that would be considered beneath someone of his status. Him wiping away the grease, declaring it unfit for a business meeting represents the persona that he has to take on in order to keep his rank, how he must disassociate with his lesser-rank beginnings.

That's my piece. Thank you for sharing!

Right. I can see now how the personification of the globule 'objectifies' the man and makes him part of the scenery.

Yes, the sweeping away the globule as the veiling of gluttony which our attention is being drawn to via the superfluous nature of the environment that includes an unsavoury depiction of a man eating a hamburger. It may have been a useful addition to add the characteristic of obesity to the business man.

The impact of characterising the globule as unfit is still lost on me. I can understand that it is out of place in a board meeting, but why that is relevant enough to comment on, and further, call it 'unfit', a rather strong word, is not clear. If there was an attempt to communicate some level of irony following the swipe of the globule and the entrance into the board meeting, then, I think that may have been more interesting.

Thank you for clarifying and responding to the questions. Good poem.

Thanks for the reciprocal feedback in detail. This isn't a piece I'll be re-writing anytime soon but I appreciate it!

The personification of the globule was there so that the observations weren't from the businessman's point of view... I wanted him dettached from the poem and therefore for him to be almost part of the scenery. The globule being personified was a bit of poetic licence, to make the observations feel futile/ unsavoury. Perhaps it's a bit whimsical and wasn't executed amazingly but I quite like it in it's intent.

I somewhat stand by cavernous, I think it suits the poem in the context it's in i.e.: all consuming/ gluttonous/ large scale, etc. But I could be convinced.

It's funny you mention the omission of the board meeting, I originally wrote out a board meeting in it but felt the poem served better as a snapshot of an elevator journey only. The "unfitness" of the globule stain, I feel is relatively clear. You don't want a stain on your suit in a board meeting. It's the

I enjoyed your poem.

To my mind, it paints a clear picture of the subject of focus as well as his surrounding environment which makes it easy to give feedback on as there's little ambiguity. I must comment, however, that the subject matter seems rather trivial, but there's nothing wrong with depicting the trivial in art.

To elaborate, we have a man, standing in an elevator, in a city being portrayed, going to a meeting. The subject matter while common is well depicted. There's a clear idea, or perception, on the cultural setting that is portrayed.

I like that there's a focus on motion, and that you're providing contrast, for example, between shooting elevators and globules whose textures are inherently resistant to motion.

I find it difficult to understand the idea behind personifying the globule, as it begins to observe the external environment. Why are you doing this?  Couldn't you have just made remarks of the external environment w/o use of a globular?

The weakest part of the 


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There are some great lines in here.  I especially like, "windows, half price shampoo".  That just flows so nicely.  That whole stanza is really well done in fact and my complaint only comes at the end.  A glob of grease is going to leave a stain.  Unfit for a board meeting, yes, but also to be forever noticed...

I love the lists, definitely consumerism America vibes. Amazing poem. I very much enjoyed it.

I love the title, it immediately drew me in!! I’m gonna be picky because that’s what we did in college workshops, but just know I really liked it and these are all suggestions. 

I don’t think you need the works “the city” in line three. I go back and forth bc I like them there for sound purposes, but as far as setting the scene they seem redundant. “Businessman” and “skyward” already have me in the headspace of capitalism and skyscrapers which sets the scene for a city. 

I strongly disliked “cables tugged like a cocaine team of sumos”. It was very jarring and I had to read it over twice. I understand you might be wanting to conjure images of fatness, like sumo wrestlers are, bc this matches your theme of greed/gluttony. I think you also want to hint at the fact that cooperate people have their vices, like cocaine, even though they present a professional image. This was not the way to do it. It was too cumbersome to read and took away from your poem. 

What if you compare the speed of

 Juice spills down a businessman’s chin

And the elevator rushes skyward

The city: a rolodex of advertisements

Cables tug like a cocaine team of sumos

He breathes through his nose while chewing

And a drop of grease lands on his suit

&amp;#x200B;

For a moment, the globule stays

Perched there, as if alive and breathing,

Watching the outside buildings, 

Windows, half-price shampoo, 

Street bins, pigeons, ulcer treatments

laundromats, ‘Tikki-Tuesdays’,

“Are you happy with your smile”

On a digital billboard

&amp;#x200B;

With a cavernous gulp the elevator stops

The globule is removed with a swipe -

Unfit for a board meeting

&amp;#x200B;

&amp;#x200B;

&amp;#x200B;

\---

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Eating a Hamburger in an Elevator