Source
r/pornfree•
Dont_Blinkk

After 5 years of practicing, i can't abstain for more than 30 days

Been trying anything:

  • journaling
  • meditation
  • blocking porn on network and devices (spoiler: it is almost impossible, porn is everywhere, worked for weeks on this)
  • exercising
  • cold showers
  • yoga
  • removing triggers (i don't use social medias except for Reddit without nsfw and i rarely watch tv)
  • diet change (i'm vegetarian, in a decent shape and eating really healthy)
  • adding other healthier habits

Think of every single advice or suggestion, i've tried it.

None of this worked because i simply cannot stick with them for a long time, i can do something for a while but when i feel worst everything kinda fades away and i roll back to the old habits.

I'm also on therapy and meds but i'm shy and i don't like to talk about this stuff even if i value this topic a lot in my life. Therapy is making me feel better in general but it is a reeeaaally slow process.

I know that sexual transmutation means going towards something, towards a better place. And i fully acknowledge this.

Anyways in 5 years i couldn't abstain (even from porn only) longer than 30 days. And usually in between there are long long periods of smaller streaks/continuosly relapsing and getting even further down into the rabbit hole. It's sad because whenever it lasted 20-30 days (a couple of times) i felt, not afraid to say this, a completely different person. From the shy and solitary guy i've always been in my teeneger years to the outgoing and extroverted kid i've been in my infancy.

That's what i am, that's what i want to be, but i find myself stuck in this deep black hole.

In the worst periods i lose interest towards real people, intimate contact (not sex but real profound intimacy) is less likely to be attractive, feel lack of motivation, very low self esteem, worsened anxiety and memory.

So the final question is: How does someone in this society where porn is everywhere and always available in some form abstain effectively for months or even years without cutting down internet connection completely?

edit: Thank you all for the amazing support you've gave me, some of this answers helped me more than he last visits to my therapists ahah <3

Posted Nov 4, 2022, 1:34 AM UTC · edited

4960
neuron_starver•

i’m in a similar boat. i’ve been trying to quit this addiction for 9 years, & have never had a streak longer than 15 days. but i’d rather live the rest of my life continuously trying to beat it than give up & go back to old habits

42
-_nofap_-17 days•

it seems like you and OP need to talk with life coach for porn addiction. I can recommend one.

2
neuron_starver•

hah, that might be what is needed, but i'm weary about paying money, which is kinda why i haven't done that before. i did just recently (in the past month) begin to have a few accountability partners, so i am adding new/different things and habits that will hopefully make me beat this addiction.

if the life coach you know is free though, feel free to recommend.

2
Xauris535 days•

Stop thinking about it in terms of streaks. Seriously. I know it's cliché advice, but it's pretty much the only way

Of course it's gonna feel improbable as the 20-30 day streaks build up. It's like Evel Knievel jumping over trucks, it just gets exponentially harder with every truck added and there's no one who can succeed thinking about the days lined up like that. Even with perfect blockers and no access to porn, your body will still crave the hit it thinks it's entitled to.

Build a wall separating yourself from yesterday and don't look back. I promise, one day you'll realize you haven't thought about porn in days, or weeks. That's where the recovery starts. The urges never go away, fully. We're addicts for life, but our past doesn't determine our future.

29
vicgrv87 days•

In short, every day is day 1.

5
Dont_BlinkkOP•

Well i actually tried this as well, i didn't look at it even as an addiction anymore. I was just practicing sexual transmutation and not counting days (30 days is a m estimate, not a precise number)

3
Feisty_Baby75084 days•

Transmutation... so youre trying to do nofap,?

2
Dont_BlinkkOP•

Yeah i think i may call it nofap for convenience, but the way i found it worked the most is approaching all this topic from a different perspective.

Nofap is fairly new and kind of a trend, it depicts porn and masturbation as a terrible addiction you're trying to escape. I think it can actually become something good, but it is on its infancy and it needs to get untied from the challenge and capitalist approach (aka the "i do nofap to be more productive, to have more success with women, to gain muscle strenght ecc, if i fail i am a loser" approach. Essentially to embody an ideal which is not ours most of the times and, if not reached, makes the whole process useless.

Sexual transmutation on the other hand is a practice that has been here for ages, and mostly than focusing on the negative effects of not retaining (which it does sometimes) it focuses on the positive effects that it brings you, it is considered a practice more than a way to escape. And most importantly a tool to help you.

Anyway i do really think that porn today can have really detrimental effects on us, i've seen those on my skin, but it's only a sympthom of the whole system and a product of our overstimulated economy and society machine. We need to understand where we are now and where we wanna go as humans, and then starting to find alternative solutions. It's a bigger battle than it seems.

1
Feisty_Baby75084 days•

Cool, just saying maybe do porn free instead of retention, that will help you pass a month. Good luck.

3
GoldJacketLuke•

Great job trying all of those things! But brother, you're in therapy and you don't even talk about this with your therapist? That really stood out to me when reading your post.

Face that fear man. Talk about this. If you can't even talk about this in a confidential therapy setting with a professional who is there to unconditionally support you... think about how much power porn has over you then. Vulnerability and expression can be extremely liberating and empowering. Shine some light on that shadow!

If you are repressing this part of your personality with even your therapist, well then of course it's going to keep repeating. It's a slow process because you're not even facing the issue. You're hiding. Can you examine what you are afraid of?

If you had your therapist's support on this issue, it'd also be easier to stick with your positive habits because he/she will more understand your orientation, goals, context, and challenges.

Opening up about it could be a massive game changer for you. You can broach the topic slowly if scared, but start taking steps. Your courage will be rewarded. I went through this process myself years ago, and was very nervous to get a therapist to talk about this. I know how it is, I've done it.

I felt so much more free after opening up and showing my true deep, raw, self with my therapist on this. A weight lifted from the chest type of feeling. It was a massive catalyst in my healing.

Btw, I made a video on this topic awhile back on the power of vulnerability and social support regarding this addiction if interested: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nyLXaUbwv2U

All the best to you!

12
_NoNeed•

I started seeing a therapist for something really specific, and then continued for some general life stuff. It was about 2 years before I brought up porn, which has been a door for us to talk about parts of my development, and gameplan how to get more of the kind of intimacy I want in my life. In my experience just saying the things I'm thinking about a lot without a filter to this therapist has been the best bang for my buck in sessions. Even saying "I don't think talk therapy will help me with x" can start conversations that end up helping me process stuff.

OP: thank you for sharing. I can relate to years of patterns like that. I'm trying to establish a new way of dealing with stress that doesn't have all the negative side effects of porn.

3
Dont_BlinkkOP•

I tried to bring this topic a couple of times, but my therapist just does not see porn as a possible addiction nor as something that can bring problems, so i ended up just stopping to talk about it

2
vicgrv87 days•

Well... here you clearly have two steps to follow:

  1. Let your therapist know about the danger of porn (show a book, video, article, etc).

  2. If he/she still doesn't acknowledge porn as an addiction, please go see a real therapist.

4
Feisty_Baby75084 days•

Theres plenty of csat therapists. Try saa meetings too

2
57471c96 days•

That's really odd. So do they do not recognize something like gambling or sex addiction as addictions either?

Maybe you could try telling them about the book "Your Brain On Porn". My therapist and I both read it when I told her about porn addiction and it made it easier to talk about it.

3
Dont_BlinkkOP•

Yeah he recognises sexual addictions i guess, don't know about porn addiction but he clearly isn't against porn and thinks it's not something to worry about for me probably due to frequence of watching (which is not exagerately elevated) or because i don't watch it so much it takes time from my work or other important stuff, whenever i brought this up he always said he wasn't against it.

Actually, it definetely took time and effort from my work, from my relationships from my passions, because i couldn't find the enjoyment i needed in them.

Actually i went to therapy also because of this in the first place.

When i mention some drugs (which i've been off for a good while now) he clearly express he is against them ofc, with porn he doesn't have the same attitude at all, he is more like "what's the real problem", which is right because hard porn use often hides other different problems, but the real problem is also that porn is preventing me to live a fullfilling life and relieving those problems too.

Porn definetely gave me far more problems than a few trips of acid.. Porn is a social problem, and it's not like the porn of 20 years ago, probably he doesn't know how it is nowadays.

1
jydhrftsthrrstyj•

but the real problem is also that porn is preventing me to live a fullfilling life and relieving those problems too.

Are you sure about that? Because it sounds like you may be trying to use porn as the scapegoat for your problems. From everything you've described, you actually use porn less than the average person, so is it really whats holding you back from living a fulfilling life?

You had it right that the point of therapy is to uncover the root causes for problems...but it sounds like you may be unwilling to let yourself explore that further (possibly due to some trauma you don't want to confront).

I'm no therapist so take this with a grain of salt, but you seem extremely hyper focused on porn to an extreme degree

2
Justgotstartedfam94 days•

This is it. He's gotta tell. Psychologists understand dopamine addictions.

1
Ribbeht•

Understand who you are and what porn is compensating for, maybe you’re similar to me. For me, I’m an adventurer at heart, my ‘upbringing’ brought very few adventures and porn became the compensation. Porn brought me the novelty and the stimulation I was lacking. I hate routine, and listening to half the tips online they’re all based about developing habits and routine. Maybe that’s true for some. For others we just have to go on adventures (small ones big ones whatever). You need the financial obviously so make sure you’re working hard, and free time spend some of it working on yourself, and the rest? Venture!! With like-minded people. Maybe you’re not someone that likes to do the same pub week in week out with your friends. Maybe you’d like camping one day, then next week do something else. Find friends like that if that’s what gives you stimulation, maybe you don’t know it’s there, maybe you do!

7
sambutha•

This is good advice

2
Dont_BlinkkOP•

This looks like a great advice! I am someone who needs to do several different things, i can't stick to one for long, so this might be a good starting point

1
ZombieSubstantial999•

bet you havent tried going outside

6
Dont_BlinkkOP•

I did and it feels super good!

I love hiking and i go with some friends whenever i get the opportunity

It does help, but i can't stay outside hiking on the mountains forever, i need to work :(((

In summer when i get the opportunity to stay out a lot in nature with people i don't even think about porn at all, but summer ends sadly

1
DaFonze967 days•

Frame porn terribly in your mind. Look at porn in the worst possible way as you can muster, then keep going in that direction. Attack the “good things” about porn.

You like the idea of getting with attractive women? That’s not what you’re doing, you’re just watching some other guy have sex.

It puts you in a good headspace? Then why do you feel terrible after? Porn drops your testosterone for a sizable amount of time after you finish, you lose motivation to do the real, tangible things you care about, it shows you scenarios that don’t exist (and arguably shouldn’t exist) in real life, and you’re chasing a high that gets milder every time.

5
[deleted]•

[removed]

1
PoeticEmu868732•

do push-ups whenever u get a boner

4
sambutha•

If it's a problem of you being super horny, try jerking it every day without porn. Just once a day, you don't have to get weird.

I see you're also posting in r/Semenretention... you might want to reconsider the whole "semen retention" thing if you're serious about quitting porn. Semen retention has no proven benefits, but porn is proven to be harmful.

But yeah I agree with the other guy who suggested more "adventure" in your life. Not just routines and sedentary stuff like journaling, though those can be good too. You need something really stimulating in a healthy way. Something to engage your mind and body and get you excited.

Some potential recommendations:

  • Hiking. I know a guy who just drives to different local mountains and hikes them with his friends, there are all sizes of mountains and you don't have to go all the way to the top.
  • Indoor rock climbing (super fun, you don't need any previous training and you can do it in winter.
  • Cycling
  • If your knees are good and stuff, some people love running
  • Canoeing
  • Taking local classes at a library. Via the libraries in my area I was able to take free classes on mushroom identification, maple syrup production, local history of the Shakers and Native Americans, all kinds of stuff.
  • Basketball/shooting hoops. Most neighborhoods have at least one basketball court where you can just show up and screw around, shoot hoops and get a little exercise. Fire stations and public parks often have great basketball courts.
  • Improving your living conditions. Decluttering, insulating water pipes, cleaning off any old appliances such as a wood stove or installing a dishwasher, removing an oversized bush that's been blocking your window and replacing it with something better, putting up curtains...
  • Growing your own food. Even a balcony can grow basic stuff like tomatoes and squash.
  • Picking up litter and/or removing invasive plants. Many people have organized "detrashing" days, or you can just do it on your own.
  • Exploring your town/city. If you get into cycling, find your local bike shop. If you get into gardening, look for garden centers and farm stands. If you get into outdoor activities, look for local conservation groups. Even something like a cool little local bookstore or game store can add an element of adventure to an otherwise sedentary indoor hobby.

For much of this stuff, you can put on a podcast while you do it. There are educational podcasts, but also comedy podcasts. Both are good.

And of course, if you really want to commit to something, you can always do something like scuba classes, outdoor rock climbing, or cave exploring.

One final piece of advice I would give, it helps to really, really have a strong sense of your own personal values. I mean beyond just "I wanna be healthy." I mean really taking a good hard look at your life and deciding that you want to contribute to humanity in a meaningful way.

If you can really internalize the fact that your life only has value if you contribute to the world in a meaningful way, you start to care more about your greater mission of serving humanity. And you really start to see that porn use exploits women, men and children. It's counter to your goals. It's counter to all our goals, if we're not being sociopaths. It not only damages you to use it, it damages the people whose bodies were used to produce it. Have a strong moral core, practice living your values. Not just when it comes to porn, either. Learn to speak up when you see someone being mistreated. Learn to do the right thing, even when it's hard, or carries social repercussions. I guarantee you, the long-term improvements to your life and mental state will be well worth it.

4
Dont_BlinkkOP•

I love this answer! Thank you!

I already go hiking sometimes and i really like it, it makes me feel good like few things! But yeah hobbies in general help, especially with other people

3
sambutha•

Awesome happy to help! Feel free to message me if you want, I haven't had a relapse in about 3 years now and it would be nice to have a friend who's doing the pornfree path.

2
dwegol•

How busy are you? Jam your life full of commitments.

3
thedeathoflove•

I think the best way to abstain from porn is to go for a month or two in a village maybe some small town or just wilderness, make sure to not carry your phone or anything just a complete retreat from the world that we live in that could help. But again once you are back who knows what you'll do.

3
Dont_BlinkkOP•

I actually thought about this one as last opportunity. I wanted to try workawaying for 3 months or so without my phone to see if that helped me, but that's pretty though considering i would have to leave my work, which i like, for this

1
Pauliboo2•

The only thing that I’ve found that works for me, is a Pilates class, the whole evening afterwards, I just lose my horniness/need.

Unfortunately the class is only available 2 evenings per week. But those two evenings I always sleep really well too!

2
ReporterLow291439 days•

Dude it's because you're not ready to deal with the pain, you think there may be an optimal way to quit with as little pain as possible. You will experience pain that you never have before, deep in your soul, that this addiction has been covering up. embrace the pain. without it, there is no real progress.

2
Dont_BlinkkOP•

I think this is quite right

1
smart_cities•

Just read atomic habits, that's literally the only thing you have to do

2
[deleted]•

I relate, this is so hard. I wish it was easier...

2
Boethiah18•

Honestly forget about the streak. If you only getting off and watching porn a few times a month you're getting the majority of the benefit anyway of going completely PMO free.

1
Taido_Inukai•

Don’t think of it in streaks.

If you went from watching daily to once every 30-ish days, then you just cut out 353 days of watching porn each year.

That’s monumental!!

Now, you have a goal to get the remaining 12 down. You can do it!

1
Dont_BlinkkOP•

It's not once every 30, it's like smaller streaks, long periods of no streaks at all (im saying streaks just to make you understand, as i do not think about it that way) and then a couple of time i reached around 30 days

1
Computr0nix•

So the final question is: How does someone in this society where porn is everywhere and always available in some form abstain effectively for months or even years without cutting down internet connection completely?

You stop valuing it as something worth your time. Imagine if you only drank soda instead of water. Eventually your doctor tells you to cut the crap. As long as you continually associate soda with thirst -- one of the most primal drives there is, you will always want to fall back to it because you've conditioned yourself into thinking that will quench your thirst. And it does temporarily, but long term is has significant deleterious effects on your body. The way around this is to hammer it into your head that you were tricked into forming a soda habit as a way of fucking over your health and that you can undo all of this by drinking water regularly and eventually your brain will follow suit. You can look at the nutrition facts on the back of a bottle of Mountain Dew and see how much of a toxic concoction it actually is. You start putting a lot more time into managing your diet and you'll see soda as a huge net negative.

But if you keep saying "Yeah I know soda is bad and all but I'm REALLY thirsty!" Well guess what's going to happen. And if you simply cut out soda and DON'T replace it with water, what happens? You fucking die. If you don't get something more worthwhile filling that void, which can be big or small depending on your overall mental health, you will always gravitate towards the habit you've formed.

1
Necessary_Case815•

Why didn't blocking porn on your devices work? There are decent good blockers for your pc, get a dumb phone get rid of your smart phone and tablet. If you don't need them for work you don't need them.

1
Dont_BlinkkOP•

Find me an app that blocks DOH, DOT, VPNs and in app content and i will gladly try it.

Most blockers can blacklist apps, but you can't blacklist playstore as you need updates. And blocking in app content is not possible / fairly impractical where's possible unless the app itself has content filtering.

To block VPN and DOT you would need to mess around with iptables or use MDM, for DOH you would probably need to host your own instance and somehow connect only to it.

1
Necessary_Case815•

Apps, playstore, do you need a smart phone for work? If not get rid of it get a old phone without all that or one of those for elderly, no apps or some do have whatsapp and facebook but nothing else.

Or try one of these,

https://edlatimore.com/best-porn-blocker/

2
Dont_BlinkkOP•

I need a smartphone for work :(

I manage some social accounts and i need it for my home banking.

I even thought fuck this, i will use a Whatsapp only dumb phone for a while and use android studio for my work from pc, but i still have my pc 😂

1
c4rdc0llector111 day•

i've been on this journey for 3 years and can't pass 2 full weeks. it's so frustrating.

1
canethius•

Idk. Ask your mommy. You're a grown ass man. Stop condemning yourself for being alive bro. Guilt is a poor guide to freedom. So is the law. Discipline has to be earned. Discipline is something you condition yourself for. But gotta get guilt of the way or you'll keep self sabotaging

1
Dont_BlinkkOP•

I'm far away from condemning myself, my post has the target to only gather informations on how to practice sexual transmutation better, not to shame myself and it's far away from every judging.

I have been in this practice/mindset for 5 years and i've been passing the stage where i always felt guilty, completely rising up from that shit.

Which is why i consider the term addiction inherently wrong because not helpful, condemning and judgmental. I am far away from that useless Nofap sub full of kids taking this as a challenge to achieve whatever superpower they believe they'd achieve and then shaming themselves and blatantly crying and asking for help whenever they relapse. Full of self hate.

I've been in multiple depressive pits where i was suicidal for months, slowly coming out thanks to therapy and meds, and self hate is a thing of the past.

I don't think this has a lot to do with discipline but more with finding a road to a different environment (mentally and phisically) that works, that's why i am here. For me discipline is a consequence, not the starting point.

2
canethius•

Why do you need to obstain longer than 30 days?

1
MilhouseLongPants•

Yeah honestly the only answer is “just fucking do it pussy”

1
canethius•

No. Not quite. It's deeper than that. Its about seeking authority outside of your own person. It's about how we're taught to be in conflict with our natural urges and guidance systems. We're at war with ourselves on a daily basis. Seeking to obtain...obtain....obtain. Yet we continue to fail at obtaining perfection. We fall. Over and over. What can happen will happen. But I think there are few men on earth that truly want to give up their right to perpetuate existence. So this hole battle is ridiculous. What? Will we attempt to free ourselves from the need for food next because it tastes good? I understand addiction. 30 days is having your urge under control. Negation is not mandatory for spiritual wellness. It's about integration. The more you reject within you the weaker you become. So keeping your cum isn't gonna do you any good. Face your manhood. Accept it. Integrate it into your life. Don't try to eradicate parts of yourself. It's a fools errand. Accept. Love. Integrate. By the power of your own authority and assistance from friends and professionals. I don't think a few leaky dicks are causing starvation or anything. Surrender to nature and let it love you. Compulsory masterbation will go away. If you really want to go completely off. Find a Domme to lock your cock up and milk you periodically. Just more slavery. That's all the path has to offer you....so be free in you. And be in a relationship with your own body....not a war!!!!!

2
Dont_BlinkkOP•

I really love this answer, thank you ❤

2
Dont_BlinkkOP•

Really helpful 👌

Would be great if it actually worked for the many times i've said this to me.

1