Surpressed my kink until 32. Where do I go now?
Not sure if this is the right place, but I guess I just want to finally 'come out' and seek advice.
I had kinky desires and thoughts as a teen, but up until the age of 27-28 I basically repressed them all, to the point that I believed I was just too weird, that women would find it odd, and even though I had the chance to sleep with a few women, I never did because of my own shame about the things I wanted to do. The most I'd ever do is makeout, but i'd always walk away from the bedroom, even when I had experiences of being in the same bed as another woman. Vanilla just didn't interest me.
At age 27 I finally lost my virginity to someone that I knew for a long time, that had a history of ...abusing me, but that somehow discovered some of my kinks. Obviously it was toxic, and neither of us understood BDSM properly, it was unstructured, and it ended.
For a while I believed that she was the only one that would ever understand (dumb I know), and it's only been recently, at the age of 32, that I've now looked back into the idea of letting myself go, and fully embracing the lifestyle. I recently found an online BDSM partner and now I properly understand that the things I'm into, while abnormal to vanilla society, are actually loved by many within this lifestyle.
I have began realizing that trying to fit into a normal & vanilla world only ever made me miserable, lost and confused. It isn't who I am. Many of the issues in my life could even have been related to surpressing my sexual side, for example for a long time I used drugs as a way to block things out (3 years clean now), in the belief that I could never be loved due to my oddities.
I now realize that there are people in the world that will love you for who you really are, no matter how geeky, quirky, or different you may be from the accepted norms. That it's okay to be different. That some people LOVE and crave different.
For the first time in my life, I feel like I'm home, that I can provide pleasure & compassion without judgement. At the same time, I'm still a little lost on where to go next.
I know the vanilla world isn't for me. I'm also realizing that BDSM can be used to benefit your life due to the disciplines and structures it provides. For me this isn't just a sex thing, it's a lifestyle -- and ideally I'd like to devote the rest of my life to this, to exploring and improving, and progressing within the lifestyle.
The question is... where do I begin? Where do I go from here? At 32, am I too late?
So many questions... apologies if some of this seems crazy or pointless. It's just a lot to take in and process. I'm just happy I finally found my tribe.
Posted Nov 4, 2022, 1:43 AM UTC
First, welcome. It's a huge community as you'll soon find out. We're everywhere and you're in great company.
Second, three years clean is amazing. I'm so proud of you for that.
Third, absolutely not too late. 32 isn't even half a lifetime, and people go way longer before finding their authentic self.
As for where do you go? https://kinkyevents.co.uk/ has a TON of fantastic advice for newcomers, and as someone in the community for a hot bit, I can vouch for the quality of info. Chief is fantastic and a very kind individual as well, and if you had any questions at all, I'd trust him as a resource.
Fetlife can give you some direction, but be aware it's mostly porn and personals. Stick to the forums. Look for local events. Lessons from your local community. They are going to be your biggest friend.
And here too! We're pretty chill. And we can give a ton of advice and help as you learn and grow.
Welcome again!
I truly like the way you out all of this.
But at 32 you are nit even close to too old. Explore and enjoy the community.
And I want to reinforce the 3 years clean. Way to go. Super proud of you for that.
Thank you, Missi! I appreciate the kind words.
Thank you so much <3