Idk, I think "watch on and dream" is a powerful enough line to repeat and disagree w the other commentator. The power of final lines is in the lead-up to them, not in their content alone. Kurt Cobain ends a song with an indefinite number of repetitions of "Sayonara" and we all remember it, right?   


I do agree with u/TheCloudFestival though in that the poem is a bit single-dimensional. Yes, we have established that the writer is shapeless, ineffectual, unable to participate in the world. How can we add another dimension to this idea? How can we surprise or horrify or delight the reader after they join us on this journey?  


I also realize this poem comes from a dark place. Having been in a dark place myself before, I've found that in the pits of it, darkness can be a poorly lighted, uniformly terrible hole I arrive into and it can be difficult to describe it in interesting or eloquent ways until I've left that place and am in a marginally more hopeful place. I hope your poetry writi


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

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If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

'Craving the change
I am not brave enough to make'
Aren't we all?

This piece clearly comes from a deep seated place of darkness, and this is conveyed very well through your rather visceral language and pathetic fallacies.


However, I feel like your prose would have more strength if you formed a juxtaposition between what change means to you, and how you feel unable to wield it.


It may seem a strange question, but what does the kind of change beyond your grasp look like to you? What does it smell like? Taste like? How does it feel? Is it light or dark? Rich or plain? Heavy or effortless? Self-depreciation is a powerful rhetorical device, but the beauty of prose is that self-depreciation can be explored in much more complex and poetic forms.


A hard hitting and powerful poem. Kudos. I truly wish you my love and luck in the future. Godspeed, chickadee.

I like the brutal honesty of this poem, especially the first few lines. Also, the repetitions of the line "pathetic" touched me. I hope you're ok. 

My suggestion would be to get rid of the repetition of the line "Watch on and dream" at the end because 1) it's not strong enough to be repeated 2) it makes the poem sound like a song rather poetry. I think you could try to come up with better ideas to replace it. Good luck!

Hopeless observer! The piece really screams of apathy that we can all fall into sometimes.

 Just like with what one of the other comments said, the piece really screams the truth about someone or even your own personal life. I like that it doesn't try to go for a gimmick like rhymes as I feel the lines help emphasize the point of loneliness and feeling down. My suggestion would to not replace the "Watch on and dream" but just rid of it. Personally I think the optimism detracts the poems just a little. Otherwise really like it!

I used sense to represent being nonsensical, lacking reason, and abundance for being empty and devoid

What does "lacking in any sense or abundance" mean? 

If "lacking in any sense" means that you are lacking in *every* sense, then you ought to say that. If it means that you are lacking perceptual senses, then you ought to say *that.*

Neither interpretation fits with "abundance," though. If you are lacking in every sense, then I think it's redundant to add that you are lacking "abundance" (which is itself a rather abstract term). If you are lacking in perceptual senses, then adding that you are lacking in abundance just seems sort of random. In any case the connection between the two is unclear.

It is also too close to "sense of abundance," to the point where it's distracting and confusing. It makes the reader stumble.

Do you know who I am?

I am pathetic and small

Writhing upon this earth

I am shapeless, and lacking

In any sense or abundance

I am pathetic

All that happens

Merely happens to me

I affect nothing

And no one

I am lost in the drudgery

Inescapable, penetrating monotony

Craving the change

I am not brave enough to make

A hopeless observer

Watching and Dreaming

That's all this shapeless mess can do

Watch on and dream

Watch on and dream

Watch on and dream

Watch on and dream......

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Feedback

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yonkpv/matrimony/ivfntz7/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yonkpv/matrimony/ivfntz7/?context=3)

&amp;#x200B;

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yoseh9/eat\_me\_inside\_and\_out/ivfnhpp/?context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yoseh9/eat_me_inside_and_out/ivfnhpp/?context=3)