First of all, the musicality of this is great. It's really nice to read, and it adds to the vibe of the poem. The simplicity of the punctuation makes the poem feel... free

I like how you used rather unconventional descriptors, like the smell of chlorine and comparing hair to brass. I don't understand the use of 'glean', though. 

Again, in the second stanza, I really like your word choice. Keep writing!

It’s a good setup but seems unfinished. Keep this idea because it’s great but string it along, give us more. Keep writing my man, you’re a natural

Hey thank you man, really appreciate it! Might give this poetry stuff a try than!

Good writing. Hardly anyone tries rhyming anymore but it helps with flow and I personally love it. Well done with “Smile so foul”, nice contrast with a smile that is beautiful but at the same time devastating. Good work

I really enjoy the descriptive words you chose! Really added to the whole poem <3

I like the flow of the poem but I don’t understand the use of “brass” and “glean.” I could be missing something. It’s ok to interrupt the rhythm of a piece for the sake of clarity. I love the imagery conjured by the poem. I interpret it as a relationship turned sour where things that were once charming are now grating.


Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our [feedback guide](https://new.reddit.com/r/ocpoetry/wiki/feedbackcritiques), or look 

Perfume as potent as chlorine

Her hair as strung as brass

Eyes that color with glean

That twinkle as clear as glass

&amp;#x200B;

A dress that runs forever

A smile so foul and white

She captures my endeavor

Yet always seems to fight

&amp;#x200B;

Other great works:

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ypswaa/comment/ivnknlk/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/ypswaa/comment/ivnknlk/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

[https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yotjfg/comment/ivnlvda/?utm\_source=share&amp;utm\_medium=web2x&amp;context=3](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/yotjfg/comment/ivnlvda/?utm_source=share&amp;utm_medium=web2x&amp;context=3)

&amp;#x200B;

Personally, I don't have much experience with writing, and the whole "Yet always seems to fight" was definitely not planned. I honestly wrote this in like 20 minutes while walking to my class. So lemme know any tips or changes you guys have! Thanks in advance!!!

Distance (A short and strange poem)