Twas the Night Before Christmas - A Padres Story

(This is long BTW) I decided this year to take the classic story we all know, and make it relevant to our team. I've been working on it for a while, and since it's Christmas Eve, I shall present my parody to you.

Credit to u/Rooks4 and u/sticky_fingies_ for some of the lines/phrases I used.

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'Twas the night before Christmas, and the off-season was still

The Padres had holes in their offense to fill.

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The stockings were hung by the Front Office with care,

In hopes that St. Preller soon would be there;

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The fans were all nestled all snug in their beds;

While visions of championships danced in their heads;

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And Seidler in his 'kerchief, and I in my cap,

Had just settled our lineups for a long winter’s nap,

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When out on the field there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter.

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Away from my bed, I flew like a flash,

Tore open the windows and threw up the sash.

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The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow,

Gave a luster of midday to Gallagher Square below,

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When what to my wondering eyes did appear,

But a bag of cocaine and eight tiny players,

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With a little young driver so lively in his ways,

I knew in a moment he must be A.J.

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More rapid than fastballs his players they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:

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"Now, Darvish! Now, Musgrove! Now Cronenworth and Soto!

On, Blake Snell! On, Tatis! On, Kim and Machado!

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To the edge of the Barrel Deck! To the top of the foul pole!

Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!"

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As leaves that before the wild home runs fly,

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky;

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So up to the stadium the players they flew

With the sleigh full of deals, and St. Preller too—

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And then, in a twinkling, I heard in a heartbeat

The prancing and pawing of each and every cleat.

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As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the AirCon unit, St. Preller came with a bound.

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He had shorts on his legs, and sandals on his feet,

And his clothes were all tarnished with crack cocaine and sweets

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A bundle of contracts he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a pedler just opening his pack.

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His eyes—how bloodshot! his dimples, how merry!

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!

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His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the stubble on his chin was as white as the coke;

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The stump of a crack pipe he held tight in his teeth,

And the smoke, it encircled his head like a wreath;

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He was skinny but tall, a right jolly young elf,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;

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A wink of his eye and a twist of his head

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;

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He knew his team must be championship ready,

With good players and staff to keep the ship steady.

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He resigned Suarez and Martinez, but his work wasn’t through,

He needed more shortstops, so he signed Bogaerts too

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And though Myers had left, they signed Carpenter in his wake,

And signed Seth Lugo, whose curveball could really break.

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He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And signed some good deals; then turned with a jerk,

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And laying his finger aside of his nose,

And giving a nod, up the A/C vent he rose;

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He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.

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But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of view—

“Let’s Fucking Go San Diego! And Fuck the Dodgers too!”

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I wish you all a Merry Christmas/Happy Holidays, and have a Happy New Year! LFGSD!