Large-Fishstick

I was out smoking when I had to pee really bad, I ran to the closest stairwell but it was coming so I pissed in the corner of the stairs, as soon as I look up I see 3 girls through the bars sitting on the level below staring at me in shock. I ran so fucking fast bro. Now I need another joint

I was out smoking when I had to pee really bad, I ran to the closest stairwell but it was coming so I pissed in the corner of the stairs, as soon as I look up I see 3 girls through the bars sitting on the level below staring at me in shock. I ran so fucking fast bro. Now I need another joint

I self harmed last night as punishment for crashing out the other day. I just felt like I needed to balance the scales after having to have my mom come up to my college dorm and watch me and take care of me because I was having a breakdown. Thinking about it makes me embarrassed, I’m a very independent person so at 19 having my mom have to look at me because I was sick and suicidal makes me feel out of control. I had a semi public breakdown in my communal bathroom and I just feel so embarrassed by the whole thing. Self harming felt like the only way to make it right in my mind. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t think about anything other than fixing it so I did.

I self harmed last night as punishment for crashing out the other day. I just felt like I needed to balance the scales after having to have my mom come up to my college dorm and watch me and take care of me because I was having a breakdown. Thinking about it makes me embarrassed, I’m a very independent person so at 19 having my mom have to look at me because I was sick and suicidal makes me feel out of control. I had a semi public breakdown in my communal bathroom and I just feel so embarrassed by the whole thing. Self harming felt like the only way to make it right in my mind. I couldn’t sleep and I couldn’t think about anything other than fixing it so I did.

Basically the title. I want to die and idk how much longer I can sit with that feeling and not act on it. I just don’t know when it’ll change from thoughts to action at this point.

I had a negative experience a couple years ago going to the hospital for self harm and I swore I’d never voluntarily go back. I’m in college and having a note from the hospital would be helpful as I’m gonna be missing classes either way. I just don’t want to go through what a lot of people go through when seeking this kind of help.

I can’t justify being alive anymore. I feel aimless, like I’m not going anywhere and like I never will. I don’t understand this innate value we place on life. Why is being alive better than being dead? What am I doing trying so goddamn hard for so little? God fucking forbid you take your own life into your hands, like I’m some basket case for bringing up the absurdity of the value we place on life just for existing. Of I want to die why can’t I? Why shouldn’t I?

I don’t even care if my brain is “lying” to me anymore. If I can be on top of the world and still want to jump then maybe I should. Why bother do this up and down thing another 70 years, why not get off the train early before I ridd

It’s 4 almost 5 am now and I want to go out again and skateboard and smoke and vibe out and watch the sunrise. I got a good 5 1/2hrs of sleep and feel alive and ready to go out again. I feel like the earth is pulling my to go outside to this parking garage roof to watch the sunrise and to think about things.

Even with how good I feel I still want to hurt myself for some reason. Like I want to take my razor out there and go crazy as well. I’ve still been having worsening suicidal thoughts these past few weeks even going into what I’m assuming is another hypomanic episode. Why am I suicidal when I feel good about life? I still have the urge to go up there and throw myself off or destroy my sk

It’s 4 almost 5 am now and I want to go out again and skateboard and smoke and vibe out and watch the sunrise. I got a good 5 1/2hrs of sleep and feel alive and ready to go out again. I feel like the earth is pulling my to go outside to this parking garage roof to watch the sunrise and to think about things.

Even with how good I feel I still want to hurt myself for some reason. Like I want to take my razor out there and go crazy as well. I’ve still been having worsening suicidal thoughts these past few weeks even going into what I’m assuming is another hypomanic episode. Why am I suicidal when I feel good about life? I still have the urge to go up there and throw myself off or destroy my sk

I think I’m hypomanic right now and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist (the last time I impulsively messaged her to tell her I was deeply suicidal and depressed and that I was gonna stop taking my meds) on Monday and I was thinking that I was gonna go back on them but now I’m in this episode and I feel so good. I can’t sleep for shit but I’ve been having so much fun the past couple days, more than I’ve had in months. I stopped taking my meds because I felt like they didn’t help and weren’t necessary. I had been doing everything “right” (taking meds, therapy, gym, friends, hobbies etc) and still ended up depressed. It was disheartening to say the least.

I was thinking of going back o

I think I’m hypomanic right now and I have an appointment with my psychiatrist (the last time I impulsively messaged her to tell her I was deeply suicidal and depressed and that I was gonna stop taking my meds) on Monday and I was thinking that I was gonna go back on them but now I’m in this episode and I feel so good. I can’t sleep for shit but I’ve been having so much fun the past couple days, more than I’ve had in months. I stopped taking my meds because I felt like they didn’t help and weren’t necessary. I had been doing everything “right” (taking meds, therapy, gym, friends, hobbies etc) and still ended up depressed. It was disheartening to say the least.

I was thinking of going back o

I just don’t want to take my meds anymore. They don’t work and I’m tired of the process of switching and getting hopeful that they’ll work just to end up depressed again. If I can’t prevent depressive or hypomanic episodes then what’s the point in doing anything about them? I’m tired of thinking that my life is going to get better than falling back into depression. I’m tired of taking my meds so I’m done with them for now. Maybe I’ll switch or maybe I’ll live without them, either way depression will always come back so why even bother.

Plus I’ll eventually end up hypomanic again so why take these medications that keep me from at least feeling the highs of life. If I can’t keep the depress

How am I supposed to live knowing that at any moment I could wake up and be horribly depressed for no reason? If taking meds doesn’t make the illness go away then what’s the point? What’s the point in trying so hard to live normally just to randomly wake up and want nothing more than to die? I was doing everything right, going to the gym, therapy, meds, friends etc and I still just randomly woke up 2 weeks ago feeling depressed and hopeless. What’s the point in trying so hard if I’m still going to experience these symptoms? I feel like it’d be better to just off myself honestly than to go through a whole life never knowing when I’m going to tip back into a depression and not being able to st

Why do we tell people things will get better when for some people things really just don’t get better. Some people are better off not suffering here anymore. I feel like I’m slowly becoming one of those people. Even when I think I have some momentum, like things might be ok, they always come crashing down I again. I’ll never fully escape these feelings, they’ll just keep coming back over and over again even when I’m doing everything right. I just don’t see a future for myself anymore, like I’m destined to die by suicide. If not now then later on in life. I just don’t see the point in fighting so hard for nothing. Trying to do things knowing I’ll still cry myself to sleep. I just don’t want t

I see a lot of posts on here where people talk about how they think their hypomanic or going into an episode or people asking if they are hypomanic and my question is how do you know you’re in an episode or headed there?

I feel like I’m a pretty self aware person but when I feel like that it’s like that self awareness just goes out the window and I only realize once I’ve hit a low or normal state that I was ever high to begin with. I could be doing the most absurd things and still justify it in my head like everything’s normal. My diagnosis came as a bit of a shock to me (though it was a long time coming so I had an idea that that was where things were headed with my drs). I feel like I nev