PorgFanatic

I’ve had three sessions of ECT so far and not only is my memory shot but everything feels different. It’s kind of scary. My mind feels quieter in a way. But nothing seems interesting.

I feel like somehow my perspective on things has already changed but I don’t know how. I was wondering if anyone here has had it done and if you had any thoughts for how to deal with this. I feel clueless.

All I know is I don’t like being alone and nobody is home right now. I couldn’t ask them to stay home and I don’t think they would have anyway. I’m kinda scared of myself. I feel off. But I don’t want to go into the hospital again if I can help it.

I’m not saying they aren’t working, if anything I’m worr

My first treatment is Monday morning. I’m freaking out about it. I’m seeing a bit of good posts so I’m wondering about the other side. If you regret it then why?

Basically I’m wondering if I’m making a mistake.

I know it’s not meant to be for BPD but I was wondering if anyone has gotten ECT and if it might have helped at all with your BPD? I’m going to be doing it soon for my depression and my ideation stuff so I’m kinda hoping that maybe it will do something for this too. I’m sure it’s wishful thinking but thought I’d ask.

It just seems like I’m such a hassle to deal with that it would be the right thing to warn people ahead of time. On the other hand there is so much stigma that I wonder if I’d be shooting myself in the foot so to speak.

Do you tell people you might have to be around often about your diagnosis? Should we or no? I don’t know.

Like all sorts of time stone and dormammu type shit. But we don’t know for sure till we see the movie. That would be such a dick move. Some of them could be real.

Like some new form of one that can kinda interact. It could explain why he didn’t go back for Rey and why him and Kylo are so hard to reach for Leia. Kylo already fell and killed Luke. I don’t know just some thoughts I had.

A Porg disappear as it dies. Think about it Force Ghost Porgs.

So I finally watched Blade Runner, was a lot more Noir than I expected. Was looking for more sci-fi and got a detective story. Not saying it was bad for that but kinda threw me and was slower than I had hoped.

Also it made me wonder a couple things.

Whats the deal with all the midgets? Like there was the toys that JF made but there was also roaming gangs of them it seemed. Is there some sort of epidemic of crazed little people robots or what?

Why did Roy suddenly show up in just boxers while running through the place. That was seriously wtf IMO.

Also was Edward James Olmos supposed to be playing an Asian guy? Kinda seemed like he was.

Why can’t I decide for myself that it’s time to go? I know that it’s myself holding me back right now but I wish I could really talk about it with my therapist or anyone really, without them threatening to call the police.

Seriously though why do people think they should have the right to make me live when I really don’t want to? I honestly don’t understand their reasoning. Why does everyone feel so entitled to my life?

If they decided to use the awesome cgi like they did with Tarkin and fixed all the boring slow lightsaber duels in the OT so they are on par with the prequels and sequels.

Especially Vader vs Ben in ANH. After the epic duel from ROTS that one kinda falls short now.

They could be the Super Special Editions.

I can’t handle this anymore. Almost 3 years on hrt and I have had almost no changes. It’s so depressing getting all dressed up, makeup nail polish and skirts and everything when I know that no matter what I do, almost everyone that sees me when I’m in public just sees a freak guy in a dress. This is killing me emotionally. Knowing I’ll never pass, knowing I’m just the local freak show.

I’m almost 40 and waited way too long to transition. I know this is all my fault. I’m having a hard time seeing a decent way out of this. I can’t detransition and I can’t keep going like this. I’m too afraid to leave the house most of the time. What kind of life is this. I have no friends or family anymore. I