ShortJawn

I had stopped cutting bc my mother has seen the scars and told me it was just a phase and also threw away my razors(I need them for my art classes so that sucked) .But yesterday I was feeling just so stressed and lonely that I did it again .I was careful to do it somewhere where it wouldn't show with shorts so I might do it again. In the past I would do it for a month or so until my controling mother found out (that's happened twice) . Maybe she will find out again and this time actually get me to therapy or smth but then again she might just sent me to confess my sins so god can cure me ...

(All over the place vent)

My is trying to approach me to her new friend group and I just bavk out every time I have to meet them . When we were alone I explained to her that when I meet new people it's kind of like being really high up and she just answered me : "no it's not like that that" I just told her "It is for me.." but I kinda changed the suppject bc she didn't show any interest . People really don't get it ,do they ?

ps. My mother only yells at me to go out and make some friends bc it's not normal to be so yound and have one friend .

I always tell myself that I have to socialize and get over my fear but I don't wanna be a burden so I never ask anyone to hang out .Well..now my friend just texted me saying that she is in a cafee near my home (almost down the street) with a group of friends and I just made up an axcuse to not go bc I'm afraid to talk to those new people .I will just zone out from the stress and then they will hate me more.My life will never get better bc I won't let it .

I just watched the end of bojack horseman and the one thing that I've noticed about the show : The metaphor of drowning is pretty common for reffering to bojacks depression . And It's not only that show people use this analogy fairly ofter ,But I just can't relate to it... Some days I can .There are times that I feel like I am just drowning and there is no escape ,but my life is not like that ,It's more like a constant state of melancholy . When I'm alone the It's just numb . And when I'm with others I'm just continiously uncomfortable.. Maybe I will always be alone or I'll find someone to distract myself with .Either way I'll still hate myself and that won't change.

*(this will have a lo

I can't even talk to people online bc I don't know how to start a conversetion .I can't get to know people bc I'm just weird when I meet someone...Not only that but I also feel akward talking to my sister .She knows my better that anyone but I still fear every second I talk to her that I will fuck up or that she hates me

I grew up in a relegious household (going to church every sunday etc) .My dad is more casual with relegion but my mother is something else... I remember wgen I was about 8y/o I was out with my sister and mother and she started talking to us about what happens when you're dying .How you are judged for your sins and other stuff liks that.... I was sobbing that night and I remember being so sure I would burn in hell...How that fuck do you say something like that on your kid ?! At least if I ever have kids they won't have to beat themeselves up over nonsense.

My friend isn't "convinced" I'm Ace bc I make dirty jokes or bc I have a "dirty mind" ...Well every 8hear old makes that kind of jokes too and I don't think they want sex ...There just stupit jokes I make with my friends to laugh and nothing more . And when I stopped making them my sister started saying that I stopped just bc I came out and that I don't really mean it ...Well I'm never gonna win I'm I ?!! ..I'm not even mad It's just ridiculous how they think

I take extra classes and all the people in the class are a small group (they are only 9 people) .The only one left out is me and it's not even their fault that I don't talk to anyone because of my social anxiety . Sometimes it doesn't bother me so much to be left out but today I just can't do it .I wanna go home and cry until I don't feel this pain anymore