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r/OCPoetry•
cactiss

The woes of getting out of bed

Workshop

Mornings first light sneaks in under the curtains,

An unhurried advancement,

Casting tiny shadows on each thread of carpet,

Nominal soldiers reporting for duty.

​

The soldiers march steadily,

Making their way towards the bedroom,

Climbing their way up the bedpost,

Marching towards the pillows.

​

Once they reach their target,

Each soldier pulls out one pot and one pan,

And readies themselves for action.

On the generals mark…

​

CLANG, CLINK, CLATTER

​

In a violent cacophony,

Sheets are launched off the bed,

Legs thrown to the side,

Eyes filled with both terror and dread.

​

What a way to start the day.

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Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated! I feel like my poem doesn't flow, but I can't figure out why.

Posted Apr 5, 2023, 11:57 PM UTC

35
Valhallatchyagirl•

I really enjoy this one - you used a lot of cool poetic devices, particular great alliteration - and the poem has a cool and tight narrative and awesome word choices.

Thanks for sharing! Your latest one hits INCREDIBLY hard too <3 great stuff yo!

2
cactissOP•

Thank you so much!

2
FungalFan•

This is a fun one! In the second stanza, there is a bit of repetition (march/marching, toward/towards) that I don't see in the others, varying the language there might help it out a bit.

2
cactissOP•

Thanks for the suggestion!

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