Source
r/OCPoetry•
PeteyPabloPicasso

Sighless

Workshop

The stars above are simply
forgotten cigarette burns
that punctured my night sky.
The air around is weighted
and poisoned by silence,
and my heart, a punching bag,
for only her to oversee.

I am trapped, forever staring
at recessed brain ceilings.
These stale sunrise vices
are here to keep me company
while I wait one more day
for her to remember
how she and I used to be.

I drink alone and lonely listen
to a symphony of silence
and the shallow spaces left between.
I finish my whiskey,
and make a final cheers
to the way her lips often tasted
like the death of love’s eternity.

I open one more
day-old, cheap beer,
and wash down the ashes
of barren love, unrequited,
and left to burn
for nobody else but me.

I write this poem,
crumple the paper,
and throw it in the trash.
Just another pointless love letter
about a woman who was likely
not even a possibility.

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/13seqs9/blossom/jlpius3/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3

https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/13scoll/donutshaped_universe/jlpje8j/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3

Posted May 26, 2023, 10:28 PM UTC · edited

219
bleakvandeak•

Yeah this is great. It’s poignant it’s tight the idea is conceived effectively. I’m jealous. Especially the third and five stanza. Great job!!

3
PeteyPabloPicassoOP•

Thank you very much! No need to be jealous, though, I looked at your writing and it’s fantastic!

I appreciate you taking the time to read my writing, it means a lot. Thanks again.

2
MrQwertyuiop•

love how you are able to transfer the despair of this person into the last stanza, feels like something we have all been trough

2
TashiaNicole1•

This was excellent. I felt as if you were writing feelings I’d had too many times to count. I could see this moment.

2
cactiss•

I love the imagery in this poem. Describing stars as cigarette burns is so creative. I feel like I am constantly looking for ways to describe the night sky. Furthermore, I really like how the poem poses as you are in a relationship with someone, but the final line states otherwise. I think that plot twist was really powerful in tying everything together. Great writing :)

2
LoneStarThug•

Describing a woman as a possibility is so genius. We think this way many times but you were able to verbalize it so well in such a romantic manner. This night also sounds like many of my nights so im biased because of how relatable this is. This poem made me not feel alone. Cigarettes, whiskey and beer is the key to a great night of writing. Absolutely love this.

2
PeteyPabloPicassoOP•

Well, first of all, thank you for the kind words. Your comment made me feel less alone, too. Glad you were able to relate to the words. I appreciate you taking the time to read and comment.

1
AutoModeratorMOD•

Hello readers, welcome to OCpoetry. This subreddit is a writing workshop community -- a place where poets of all skill levels can share, enjoy, and talk about each other's poetry. Every person who's shared, including the OP above, has given some feedback (those are the links in the post) and hopes to receive some in return (from you, the readers).

If you really enjoyed this poem and just want to drop a quick comment, to show some appreciation or give kudos, things like "great job!" or "made me cry", or "loved it" or "so relateable", please do. Everyone loves a compliment. Thanks for taking the time to read and enjoy.

If you want to share your own poem, you'll need to give this writer some detailed feedback. Good feedback explains from your point of view what it was like to read the poem, and then tries to explain how the poem made you feel like that. If you're not sure what that means, check out our feedback guide, or look through the comment sections of any other post here, or click the links to the author's feedback above. If you're not sure whether your comments are feedback, or you have any other questions, please send us a modmail.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1
Notebookspells•

I can feel your emotions while reading this. So good job transmitting your feelings. The imagery is great too. Hope you feel better! And keep going!

1