[1195] Chapter 1 of a Story I'm Writing

Hello everyone! I posted the first draft of the chapter three days ago (link to the post: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1ty0upy/970_first_chapter_of_a_story_im_currently_writing/ ). I spent three days staring at it adn improving it based on the helpful feedback I received. I was wondering if this is better? Or if this should be the end for me hahah :') Tysm :DD

Link: https://docs.google.com/document/d/11918rLZnW_yYTbzJ_kh2nidqinshrUNifkDShP9xDA4/edit?usp=sharing

Critique 1 [728]: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1tx7m1c/comment/opy07ks/?context=3

Critique 2 [1824]: https://www.reddit.com/r/DestructiveReaders/comments/1tsmxbh/comment/opy6tie/?context=3