The Road to Addiction - my story

I guess it's time to share my story. The last time I ingested kratom was 17th March. This is the longest I've been clean since I started in October 2011.

It began as it often does. I was the champion weekend warrior, limiting my small doses to Friday and Saturday nights, never using the day before work. I had the "no school night" rule because, unlike the experience of others, kratom royally fucks with my sleep. But Friday and Saturday nights? Hell yeah, bring it on! We gon' be playin' some borin'-ass games spiced up with some chemical love!

My weekend warrior lifestyle lasted about six months. During this time, I scoffed at others becoming addicted on the forum I frequented. Ha, weak-ass pussy bitches never heard of moderation! And then the rationalisations began. My "no school night" rule? That's dumb, kratom makes me feel good, and what's one tired day of work a week? Besides, everybody's bitching at work on Mondays, might aswell join the chorus.

Slowly, I begin to justify why it's okay to edge closer to the precipice. "I felt good Friday, Saturday and Sunday, maybe I can take a dose, just a small dose mind you, after work on Wednesday, since I've proved I can deal with work the morning after!". And so the midweek dose became a thing. Now the Rationalisation Monkey's claws were firmly embedded in my back. And this monkey would not shut the fuck up.

"Hey, I know it's a Thursday, but that was a hard day of work you just had. I think you should reward yourself with some kratom when you get home, okay? So skip lunch today and I'll skip my banana, we'll both run on empty until home time, and then we dose, BOOM" This sounded like a wonderful idea, and so I got home and rewarded myself. But the reward days got closer and closer together. Some month or so later, every day was Reward Day.

I'd been toss and washing for about a year and a half now, and I'd slid, almost imperceptibly, into every day. It's like standing on some rocks and not noticing the tide coming in. Suddenly you're stranded. But it didn't matter. Sure, I was tired all the time, and binge eating at night wasn't healthy, but I was enjoying otherwise boring-ass games and tasks, dammit! It was something to look forward to! But it wasn't.

At roughly 15-20 grams a day, normally dosed in the space of two hours, I was barely feeling shit. The high would last maybe 30 minutes tops, for the price of fucking my sleep up. How was this enjoyable, exactly? I'd redose and redose again, trying to chase something that wasn't. Talk about diminishing returns. It became normal for me to vomit at the end of my dosing cycle. Then dose again on top of that. Something, other than my stomach contents, had to give.

I began trying to moderate my usage. But I simply couldn't. If there was kratom in my home, I'd eat it. No Ifs or Buts - I was a fly right on top of that shit at the slightest sour whiff. I had a locker at work, so I'd endeavor to take the kratom to work, put it in my locker, and mail myself the locker key, second class stamp. That way, I couldn't get to it and would be clean for a few days! But I couldn't even do that, because by the end of each day, I'd rip open the envelope, take out the key and grab the kratom from the locker. It was like the me in the morning and the rationalising me during the day were two different people, with daytime me saying to morning me, "nuh-uh, fuck that, we ain't mailing shit, nice try, fuckstick".

Another time I dumped about 150g down the toilet -incidentally, I fucked up this task, as the bag burst open too early as I was dumping it, and the kratom went EVERYWHERE, seriously, it was some encroaching mustard gas cloud in trench warfare type shit. Spent ages cleaning. Anyway, I disposed of it, and the next day, I was ordering more. Still, at least three days clean til it arrives, so small victory, right?

Anyway, in more recent times, the pattern I've followed is order small amounts (50-100g), use up in a binge, run out, be a few days clean then order more small amounts. That brings me to now. When I ran out on March 17th, I just didn't order any more.

The withdrawals sucked for the first four days. The last of the acute withdrawals went at about Day 9, which for me was night sweats (disgusting, I know, I basically had to sleep in rubber arm bands to stop from drowning in my sleep ). The Gastrointestinal issues have now stopped too - they lasted longest, now that I think of it, way into the high teens/early 20s.

Mentally? I think it's always a struggle, but there have been huge improvements. I can now sleep for a start. I'm getting shit done, I spring-cleaned the fuck out of my flat (seriously, while on kratom, I let things go a bit, though the rats took care of the cockroaches so every cloud and all that...okay, it wasn't THAT bad). Every day now seems so full of possibility. The sun seems brighter. I'm far more sociable and don't avoid doing things so I can dose. I'm exercising and feeling the wonderful, rewarding feeling of endorphins and DOMS, no less. Things are DEFINITELY better.

But I do still think of kratom almost every day, and it's why I keep visiting here to remind myself that this battle is far from over. I'm an addict, I have other problems to address (I've always been a lugubrious sort), and until I do, kratom may always be a temptation. Anyway, apologies for this overly long post, just want to check in, leave my story and give myself some accountability.

I also need to tell myself, I can NOT do moderation. NO, BAD DOG, NO MODERATION, NO! THWACK Kratom is binary, it's all or nothing. You're with it or against it. Fuck you, kratom. Best of luck to anyone else who decides they're also against it.