It was late in the fall
or the middle of winter, I thought:
when the trees outside were white.
when I held your manhood in my hands
and fed upon it
the first time.
what followed was as white as snow
not quite in the afterglow
but you looked alright
as pale as Snow White.
Feedback 1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4rnph3/you_told_me/
Feedback 2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4rm91f/scrapping_a_poem_braided_poem_1/
Posted Jul 7, 2016, 1:21 PM UTC · edited
The word "white" is used three times. It does not seem to be repetitive for any artistic reason, and so comes off as lazy editing. I'd go back and try to strengthen the imagery by trying to use other words or comparisons. Overall, it's a good poem. I like it because it's atypical.
white was used from a technical standpoint. it was for rhythm. thank you for your input. :)
I personally kind of liked it. It's a bit vulgar, yes, but not in a token way - not for the sake of vulgarity. The jarring thing about it to me was the switch between the stanzas in terms of length, rhyming, and stylistic choices (punctuation, capitalization). It's like two different people wrote the stanzas - which could be an interesting choice if made more clear. If that's not what you want to do, making it more cohesive might be a better choice.
But in terms of content, I liked it. It's simple and straightforward and leaves room for interpretation/expansion. I would like to see it expanded.
Is this about giving head? Because if it is, well done. Why is the guy "pale as Snow White?" That is the part I can't figure out. As far as I can tell, this is about taking power in giving blowjobs? By titling it "Afterglow" you kind of paint yourself as the dominant, unsatisfied one, and you kind of poke fun at the guy by calling him "Snow White." Let me know if I'm right or wrong. I apologize if I'm totally wrong.
Interesting combination of weather, seasons, and a hefty BJ. I think you could really take this idea across multiple seasons and dive into this metaphor you a kind of creating.
Can't lie, I dug this. I think you took the subject matter and id it rather tastefully with the imagery you used. My favorite was the last stanza. Good take on a subject that you don't read poetry on often ^_^
When I started reading it I thought that it was something about associating season with gloom. When I read the fourth line I could not help but smile. When I was reading the seventh line the smile grew big because it was so vulgar yet so well crafted that one cannot take offence. Well done.
Not a fan. It's weirdly vulgar.
The first too lines are decent, I suppose. Drop the "the" before fall.