Cheers!  Glad I was able to help a bit.  I think it's completely fine to be proud of our group effort too - that's part of the nature of the sub, innit, helping each other craft better poems.

I really love how you've incorporated the Americana that u/Gummyfail was talking about.  It's definitely close to the poem I was moving toward.  Is it wrong to be kind of proud of our group effort?

Bit late to the party, but wanted to say that we're all here for you, sister.  'This, too, will pass' and whatall.  I can see fairly easily where you're going with this piece, which (I think) is in part because it's not been through Ye Olde Brutal Edit Machine yet.  

That said, for what help or hindrance it may be, a bit of my own take on your piece:  

&nbsp;  

 I  
 survive.  
 I'm alive and  
 that's not nothing.     
 Stand with me - we can   
 face *this*. Huck Finn, row  
 your raft; John Henry, raise now  
 your hammer, and strike;  Paul Bunyan,  
 cut down the trees that darken distant views.  
 Keep me in your memory as I keep you in mine, friends.  
 Remind us in word and deed: No tunnel, no matter how dark,   
 burrows beneath the mournful mountain forever.  Another side awaits.     

I think I completely understand where you're coming from.  I tried very hard not to overcomplicate things, but at the same time avoid the dreaded cliche... Perhaps i failed.

This is my inner curmudgeon speaking. You know those old cartoons you used to watch, like Scooby Doo, Scooby Doo is a great example for me. They're not great or even good shows but they were simple and fun and you watched them when you were a kid and all you wanted was simple and dumb. You here Cartoon Network comes out with a new Scooby Doo series and you think "Hey, I loved that show". So you watch it and it's, uch, better. The writing is better, the characters are more fleshed out, the animation is a million times more detailed and stylish and the voice actors are earning their paycheck and you hate it. 

The white woman is more interesting and sonorous than a phoenix. Her husband is more original and bears a more complex relationship to her, conceptually, than steel does to a phoenix. There's something to the relations between the white woman the husband the mountain and its snow and the narrator and audience and it's all good, but a little challenging.

I don't know. I went to chu

Hi Walpen, thank yet again for wonderful critique.  You have a marvelous way of cutting to the heart of what I'm attempting, even if I've ultimately failed to achieve it.  

In this case, while I *wanted* to agree with you that the piece was fine as-is, in my heart I knew it wasn't precisely the piece I was trying to write.  So I did some minor revisions, based on suggestions from u/Gummyfail and u/gwrgwir.  

But one thing struck me as particularly accurate – I wanted this to feel simple.  Almost overly so.  Like needlepoint stitching on grandma's throw pillow.  Just so.  

So, with that goal in mind, and based on some really excellent thematic suggestions from u/poeticwasteland, I've completed some revisions.  

Since you seem to have understood my original intended tone and mood the best, I would be very interested in what you have to say about the new text (sans mentions of fire/steel and phoenixes, and incorporating instead imagery of cold, snow-covered grieving lovers, transforme

I am going to disagree with people here. I don't want this to be more ambitious, I want it just as it is if not more so. I want this piece in needle point above some fire place that would never meet modern regulations, with a train stitched in beneath it and flowers for no reason adorning the borders. There are libraries of ambitious American-poetry but only a slim, precious stock of inspirational Lana-jottings.

And I don't know what to say anymore. Trying to be beautiful and original and poetic as a member of a species with only a specious relationship to each other or to reality strikes me as silly. And I like this piece because it seems to understand that we don't need greatness: we need something simple, the simple pleasures of a neat shape and positive sentiments.

I might be over-dramatic here, but I share all the same anxieties and this piece more than most just felt appropriate. 

I appreciate the feedback, but I think carrying a torch to the *top* of a mountain exudes more of a feeling of triumphant achievement.  What I'm going for is more of a tone of resolute stoicism and perseverance.  Hence the traveling *through* the mountain, and the visual concrete imagery of traveling down to the base of the mountain *from* the top. 

Precisely this! I strive to make each line count in my own writing, so I always look for that when reading poetry, and you nailed it here. That said, I have a couple small issues with this piece:

The shape - it's laid out as if we are descending a mountain, not climbing one, which is how I think of 'facing' a mountain. But that thought is also challenged by the last statements about going *through* the mountain. What are we doing with the mountain??

The fire - my favorite literary metaphor is 'carrying the fire' from "The Road" by Cormac McCarthy: following your heart against all odds, when everyone else is trying to kill you or wants you to quit, you keep fighting (getting chills just thinking about it). Steel/pheonixes/fire, you've got all these pieces, maybe enough for a separate poem, because I don't see much of a connection with the mountain -- maybe the 'you/I' carry that small flickering fire to the top of the nigh-inconquerable mountain where they can at last light a great be

Wow. I love how you play with the formatting of words to help you draw out a mountain. Also, the entirety of the poem is linked yet each line has its own stand-alone meaning.

Thank you Sora.  I agree, "phoenixes" is ugly sonically.  I think I have a few ideas on how to fix it in future edits, mostly based on Gummy's excellent suggestions.  I love both of you guys. 

I do like how the poem looks like a mountain, and the image of a "mournful mountain" in particular is quite riveting.  This is a majestic poem, and the message is uplifting, even if the poem feels like it's crying.  This may be due to the enjambment that feels like blocks of thought interrupted by something.  One cannot help but think that this something is tears.

Your metaphors are good for the most part although I don't like the phoenix metaphor.  It implies that we must suffer and be destroyed before we can ever re-bound.  I don't think we need to be destroyed in order to rise above the circumstances we find ourselves in, and I don't think the poem should espouse this rhetoric.  In addition, "phoenixes" is ugly sonically.

Criticism aside, I just want to say to you Lana, I'm here for you.  I feel for you.  But we will be strong.  There are still corners of good in the world; there will always be movies, music, theater, candle-lit romantic dinners, the feeling of the grass under you

Thank you gummy.  I agree.  Tying this to traditional American folklore would definitely give it a stronger aesthetic.  This is what I needed to hear.  

I suppose it is a bit of a manifesto, come to think of it.  I felt it was important to put it out *now*, and I think the existence of that inner urge gives credence to your suggestion.  

I would work in American folklore so this pieces message not only has a stronger aesthtic, but its politics last a bit longer.  
John Henry burrowing through the mountain  
Carnegie Steel  
maybe something about Arizona to add dimensions to the phoenix.  

As it is, I feel a lot of the metaphors a bit too conventional for the piece to have any power beyond mutual reassurance and cathartic sympathy.   

That said, manifestos have their place, and this one isn't too bad at that. If you feel its important to put out now. Then I think its a manifesto. If you're willing to work on it after the event has cooled, then this piece could be the skeleton of a very American poem.   

Maybe I'm projecting my own sensibilities here though. To be fair, you asked me to be the Brutal Edit Machine (tm).  
 
Needless to say, I feel similarly and wish you the best.   

I'm not one to offer suggestions on anyones piece as I feel sure, maybe there are elements that could be better but I also think the piece written as is was delightful to read and that not everyone will understand the and have the same interpretations as you in specific lines.  

Lol yay for brick walls to bounce things off of.  I've made an edit to the piece, based from your suggestions.  Any thoughts on the new text?

I'm your brick wall! (It's been almost a year since I've been on here, long story don't ask!) I love reviewing your work because it always inspires me to get off my lazy ass and put something of my own together 

I don't know why but this made me giggle uncontrollably and now people are looking at me weird.  So what I'm trying to say is thank you.  :)

Great suggestions here re: the Phoenix.  I agree, as a metaphor it works, but tone-wise it's a bit wobbly and doesn't really jibe with the central simile.  

I hadn't thought about including elements of native American culture, but in hindsight, that seems like such an obvious go-to for source material.  I'll definitely keep this in mind for future edits.  I think both you and u/Gummyfail have done me a huge service through your critique.  

Hmm. You know, I think this is the first piece of yours that I didn't scream "OMFG POETIC BRILLIANCE!!" at me in my first read through. Mistake me not, it's good, and I'm fairly sure has the potential to scream "OMG POETIC BRILLIANCE" with some refining... its a strange conundrum I find myself in here; usually when I critique your work I try to hone in on what I think is the major contributing factor to brilliance that already exists, and simply offer feeble suggestions about how one might enhance those qualities and make it still more brilliant...but I'm not sure that approach will work here so...I'm going to approach it the way I'd attempt to critique my own work...aka the evil red pen. 

Kidding. Mostly. What struck me as...off, perhaps, especially when compared to your other work, about this one was...the deal with the Phoenix. Maybe I'm stuck on that one because I used the Phoenix metaphor too much in my own writing (I'm a little hooked on it, I even have a Phoenix tattoo) or mayb

- (1) I would appreciate it if you could explain how you think this would improve the mood/tone of the poem.  The piece is written in Free Verse for a reason – it helps create a more conversational mood/tone, which is integral to the piece.    

- (2) The piece has 9 lines.  A rhyme scheme in couplets would be unmanageable, as it would leave one line unrhymed.  

- (3) The piece is structured in increasing line lengths.  Adding a rhyme element without a rhythmic structure to frame it on would sound forced and unnatural to my readers, in my opinion.    

- (4) Changing the entire text and meaning of the piece is a particularly demeaning suggestion.  If you won't contribute constructively, I will not entertain your opinions on my work.  

Well you would have to change the words and overall meaning, but with some time you could work in something like an AABBAACC and continue as you see fit.

Thank you for your feedback.  How do you feel introducing rhythm (what rhythm?) or rhyme (what rhyme scheme?) would help the tonal aspects of this piece? 

Also, the line says "*no tunnel* burrows forever".  So it agrees with you.  Since it can't do it forever, it will emerge eventually.  

If something goes under the mountain forever it won't come out the other side. Besides that, I would suggest rhythm or rhyme.

#The Mountain


&amp;nbsp;You are   

&amp;nbsp;Alive. I'm alive.  

&amp;nbsp;That's not nothing.   

&amp;nbsp;Together, we can face   

&amp;nbsp;This. The white lady slumbers,  

&amp;nbsp;But her husband still watches over   

&amp;nbsp;And his cold grief is our shield. Take heart,

&amp;nbsp;No tunnel, no matter how dark, burrows beneath    

&amp;nbsp;The mournful mountain forever.  There will be another side.   


*****

##more aniLana:


- [This is How I Brush My Hair](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4ifsnn/this_is_how_i_brush_my_hair/)

- [How To Hold A Woman](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4dhfcg/how_to_hold_a_woman/)

- [The Day I Caught The Sun](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/3sihr7/the_day_i_caught_the_sun/)

- [Excerpts From a Voicemail](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/43fqtk/excerpts_from_a_voicemail/)

- [Last Light](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4beorz/last_light/)

- [Take Apart The Corners of My Love](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4ma4n0/take_apart_the_corners_of_my_love/)

- [I Keep My Names](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4pby1g/i_keep_my_names/)

- Unpsalm Trilogy: [Unpsalm 1:1-19](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4qtfad/unpsalm_1119/) [Unpsalm 2:1-15](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4qyop2/unpsalm_2115/) and [Unpsalm 3:1-35](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4r9zzs/unpsalm_3135/)

- [I Have a Strange Engine](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/4tpazp/strange_engine/)

- [Kiss Me Like This](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/51cbqi/kiss_me_like_this/)

- [You Can Take It To Places](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/55jdwd/you_can_take_it_to_places/)


*****

#teh feedbacks:

[one feedbackyback](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5bxc3z/heart_as_a_container/) | [two feedbackybacks](https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/5bxk74/council_of_cocksure/)


*****

*Authors Note:* This short piece, jotted off in the moment yesterday evening, has not yet been through Ye Olde Brutal Edit Machine™. Please be my Machine, you guys.  I can't.  I just can't. My heart is too broken, and my paranoias are becoming all too real. I need you.  