Source
r/OCPoetry•
OlPol

First poem. Untitled. Would love some feedback. Maybe an idea for the title?

Feedback Received!

Why do I only write about my insecurities

Why did they say that? Do they even like me?

"Stop saying sorry", I owe them an apology

Annoy the people I talk to, that's in my biology

But all that will change when they see me on TV

'Cause Stan Lee tells stories of super hero movies

Constantly telling me that boy you can do this

Just get through Uni, pay back the school fees

Till then; I'll go home early from the club

Spend my change on a taxi, or some grub

Might have a shower, sit down in the tub

And wish I was part of the popular club

EDIT: format

FB1: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/82nujx/siren/dvcix8s/

FB2: https://www.reddit.com/r/OCPoetry/comments/82rhny/unwilling/dvcj78b/

Posted Mar 7, 2018, 11:23 PM UTC

715
cyberine•

This is nice for a first poem, you have lots of interesting ideas and it escapes the easiest way for a poem to be crap: cliché. So congrats on that.

However, of course as with any first attempt there’s stuff which can be improved. People will probably pick up on the basic rhyme scheme as a flaw. Having AABB rhymes are uncommon in poetry because they sound relatively immature, like a children’s book or an ancient text. In fact, this whole poem feels more like a rap than poetry. Similarly, considering it has such a strict rhyme scheme you probably end two lines with ‘club’ in the same stanza.

Do not despair though! You clearly have interesting ideas and they’ll be much better presented if you have a more intricate, flexible rhyme scheme. This is a good first attempt and you should keep it up!

Title ideas: Imposter Child, Night Out, Taxi, 01:39, Club

3
OlPolOP•

Thanks a lot! I listen to quite a bit of hip hop and honestly only read certain poetry in class or if it was in a book, maybe I should read more - try and understand it more.

You know what I read it back at least 25 times and I didn't realise I rhymed club with club! My only excuse is I'm using club in different terms: the first time I mean night club and second time I mean like a society/group.

However all your points have been noted and I really appreciate it.

2
Glordicus•

Idk bro, think you could of gotten away with it if you were referring to a clubbing weapon (lol sounds like some girls I know), but both of your club's refer to a group of people. It's how nightclub type clubs became to be known as clubs, because they were "dance clubs", where people would go to dance - in the same way a schools photography club is where people go to photograph.

1
OlPolOP•

Guess you're right. I'm real new to poetry, but I know in rap sometimes the rhyme is less important than the message. What about in poetry? Is the rhyming strict?

1
Glordicus•

I dunno, don't know poetry, only hip hop. And in hip hop that would only pass if it were done on purpose, and in a smart way - either through a complex rhyme or a funny punchline, like "got to the club, not the popular club but the rock slinging hub"

1
KyleGamma•

I dig what you're putting down. You cover some subject matter that a lot of people can relate to but don't want to admit they relate to. And not just the insecurities, but going to uni and worrying about fees. It's also nice when people keep it simple and modern, and reference stuff like Stan Lee, cause we can all understand what you're trying to get at there.

Overall, I enjoy that you kept the meter and rhyme scheme constant. It makes it feel more musical, and that's at least nice for people like me. I'm not a big poetry guy, and so some of the more complicated stuff is harder to understand. But when you keep it rhythmic, it's got a natural hook that helps to pull someone through the poem.

2
OlPolOP•

Cheers man. Feels real good someone liking what you put down, respect.

1
tonyplaysthecrypto•

You seem to be searching, being an old person, I remember feeling like you. I had to wait many years to find 'salvation' but I found it. Totally get your message and i respect your honesty. Godspeed.

1
OlPolOP•

I think you got it pretty much spot on. Can't help but feel lost some times.

2
FDARGHH•

So a couple of things. I like the introspective nature of this poem. The speaker is grappling with themselves and their insecurities.

Also having an AABB rhyme scheme is totally fine by the way, I have no issue with that, but you actually have an AAAAAAxA rhyme scheme and that gets a little tiring to have the same rhyme over and over, maybe play around with that a bit.

Finally, I thought you did a good job of showing how the speaker is lonely, but instead of having them tell us that they want to be in the popular club, instead show what they’re missing out on. Give an image of what the speaker desires.

But this is a good start, especially for a first poem!

1
OlPolOP•

Yeah, my rhyme scheme sucks. Definitely though, I'll experiment a bit. I went into it with no specific rhyme scheme at all to be honest, this was very much a spontaneous poem.

I'll probably scrap the last line, seen as I already used the word club which I completely didn't clock reading it back to myself. Really appreciate the feedback!

1
MoriiMaker•

I really like this, it has a great flow to it. I'm a bit confused as to how the word "this" in the 7th line rhymes with the rest of the lines though, it's the only major flaw.

1
OlPolOP•

It's more of a phonetic rhyme of the 2 words: Do this, Movies and School Fees.

It's the OO - E rhyme?? (is that even a thing).

1
MoriiMaker•

I getcha, and "movies" and "school fees" certainly fit within that scheme, but "do this" reads as an OO - ISS, which doesn't match the pattern. Unless you're wanting "this" to sound more like "theese" for the rhyme, but that can pull the reader away from the flow.

1